TruthSeeker
MyPTSD Pro
This is a thread for people who have gone no contact with their family and understand or are dealing with loneliness, isolation, grief, and loss.
Several years ago, I left the dysfunctional family. It was my role to fix everything.....keep the peace (well I thought it was at the time when I lived it). It was made clear to me that if I left, I was "no-one". Both my sibling and my X husband told me I was crazy and mean. They promised me that in the end, I'd have no one. That promise came true.
It was a vulnerable time, and my vulnerabilities were used to hurt me. I was stalked, photographed, and terrorized. I've been punished ever since with silence, ghosting, and manipulation, sexual abuse, and infrequently, a carrot thrown my way to lead me to believe I'd have contact with those I left behind and I loved, and then the carrot ripped away, breaking my heart.
Initially, there was active abuse from my only sibling, X, and eventually, my daughter. Through all of this, I was "mean" and "crazy" to denote I was the "different" one-the one who dared leave. My values and beliefs are very different and I never felt I fit in. But I used dissociation to cope with my medical trauma, CSA, rapes, and living with the X and dealing with my sociopathic sibling. I learned that skill as a child, and managed CSA, medical trauma, gaslighting, and emotional trauma with that tool. In the past 6 months or so, I'm not dissociating hardly at all.....and oh my gosh.....I feel like shit....because I'm feeling.....
I left my entire family, which at the time, it was the right thing to do, assuming my daughter would be by my side and be there when I grew old and gray......but that's not the way it's turning out. She was coerced to the family dark side (mind you, she's 40 y/o now)....and has her own mental health issues, and yes, I know she's an adult and responsible for her own choices and consequences. I just never believed I'd lose her. Whether for money, security, a warped sense of belonging, or drugs.......I don't see her anymore. She is trapped in the dysfunctional tornado. Before the family craziness and my leaving, she had never spoken an unkind word to me, but I know she was threatened by my sibling.........not to get in the middle....or she'd be alone, without any family, and he'd leave her nothing in his will.......and my sibling is a socio-pathic narcissist and a master gas-lighter. So is the X husband.....and it is my belief that they worked together, to hurt me, and used her-and hurt her, too.
Anyway, my T used a great analogy, it's like I'm on the outside of the tornado, and I'm now able to see the dysfunctional patterns and I can't do anything to help those I love....it's like looking through a glass window......seeing the tornado, but not being part of it.......knowing what's wrong now, but feeling helpless and unable to help those I love. When you're in the tornado, you aren't feeling....it is only when you are outside of the tornado....you can realize the craziness and the drama.....but you can't go back. There is a part of me that wants to save those I love....I love my daughter and grandson....yes, I wish I could save them......but I can't go back....I am no longer a part of that family. I'm an outsider now.....I have no home or family to go back to....I feel like I wasted 25 years of my life there.....
There had to be a replacement for me when I left to keep the status quo or equilibrium for narcissistic X's life. So, before I had even moved out, my stepdaughter (X's daughter) was invited to move in with her children and husband....who declined. A replacement was quickly found for me, my own daughter, whose addictions and poor money handling had lost her her place to stay-and low and behold, my X had a vacancy. I was unable to continue to help her financially......and she was in a bad head space.....as was I and she lost her house. My daughter found herself in a self-made crisis, resulting from mental health problems, drug/alcohol use, so to have a place to live, she moved in with the X and has lived there for 3 years....She was my biggest support in leaving the X.....and has done a 180.....from encouraging me to leave and saying what a narcissist he was....to saying how horrible and mean I am......it feels almost cult-like.
So, it has been hard leaving everything and everyone behind.....believing that I've done the right thing for me. Dissociation made it easier to stay there and I spent a lot of time in my bedroom....I didn't stay around the X.....staying in my own space helped to reduce drama and criticism......and when he was raging, I just didn't feel. The wrong seizure medication also helped me not to feel and that was a major eye opener right before I left....when I changed meds. I've left....and worked hard to get to a better place.....believing that I'd be able to work things out with my daughter. But I've come to the conclusion that that isn't likely to happen. She was my motivation to change......and now all I'm left with is me.....I clung to that idea....that she'd come see me....that she'd leave, too. That she loved me.....but I don't think that's the case.....
I realize....I can't go home.....there is nothing left for me.......my distant family is covid afraid.....and far away.....can't even visit. Covid has made this so much worse.....I would have had more things to divert my attention.....more positive things to dwell on....
It is awfully hard to get up in the morning and maintain some semblance of motivation for living. Recently, I've realized that, I will likely live alone and die without family, and the trade-off to leaving everything behind is just better mental health. I'm not always certain the trade off was worth losing my daughter....it's been so very hard.....she is my only daughter. I'm older....in the fourth quarter of life, so I don't see "another family" in my future. I see lonliness, isolation, and dying maybe with a friend or two......if they are alive. I won't die in a nursing home......alone......and controlled and without independence. I lived that life....alone and controlled and dependent.....I won't die that way.
I'm not loving these feelings......nor the grief.....and loss....and isolation.....the separation......and loneliness.
Is there anyone who has left their family to find themselves in a better place, eventually???...........and got past the lonliness, horrific loss, and isolation, and grief? Could use a success story or two....to shine a possible light on this one. Does the grass ever look greener after going no contact?
Several years ago, I left the dysfunctional family. It was my role to fix everything.....keep the peace (well I thought it was at the time when I lived it). It was made clear to me that if I left, I was "no-one". Both my sibling and my X husband told me I was crazy and mean. They promised me that in the end, I'd have no one. That promise came true.
It was a vulnerable time, and my vulnerabilities were used to hurt me. I was stalked, photographed, and terrorized. I've been punished ever since with silence, ghosting, and manipulation, sexual abuse, and infrequently, a carrot thrown my way to lead me to believe I'd have contact with those I left behind and I loved, and then the carrot ripped away, breaking my heart.
Initially, there was active abuse from my only sibling, X, and eventually, my daughter. Through all of this, I was "mean" and "crazy" to denote I was the "different" one-the one who dared leave. My values and beliefs are very different and I never felt I fit in. But I used dissociation to cope with my medical trauma, CSA, rapes, and living with the X and dealing with my sociopathic sibling. I learned that skill as a child, and managed CSA, medical trauma, gaslighting, and emotional trauma with that tool. In the past 6 months or so, I'm not dissociating hardly at all.....and oh my gosh.....I feel like shit....because I'm feeling.....
I left my entire family, which at the time, it was the right thing to do, assuming my daughter would be by my side and be there when I grew old and gray......but that's not the way it's turning out. She was coerced to the family dark side (mind you, she's 40 y/o now)....and has her own mental health issues, and yes, I know she's an adult and responsible for her own choices and consequences. I just never believed I'd lose her. Whether for money, security, a warped sense of belonging, or drugs.......I don't see her anymore. She is trapped in the dysfunctional tornado. Before the family craziness and my leaving, she had never spoken an unkind word to me, but I know she was threatened by my sibling.........not to get in the middle....or she'd be alone, without any family, and he'd leave her nothing in his will.......and my sibling is a socio-pathic narcissist and a master gas-lighter. So is the X husband.....and it is my belief that they worked together, to hurt me, and used her-and hurt her, too.
Anyway, my T used a great analogy, it's like I'm on the outside of the tornado, and I'm now able to see the dysfunctional patterns and I can't do anything to help those I love....it's like looking through a glass window......seeing the tornado, but not being part of it.......knowing what's wrong now, but feeling helpless and unable to help those I love. When you're in the tornado, you aren't feeling....it is only when you are outside of the tornado....you can realize the craziness and the drama.....but you can't go back. There is a part of me that wants to save those I love....I love my daughter and grandson....yes, I wish I could save them......but I can't go back....I am no longer a part of that family. I'm an outsider now.....I have no home or family to go back to....I feel like I wasted 25 years of my life there.....
There had to be a replacement for me when I left to keep the status quo or equilibrium for narcissistic X's life. So, before I had even moved out, my stepdaughter (X's daughter) was invited to move in with her children and husband....who declined. A replacement was quickly found for me, my own daughter, whose addictions and poor money handling had lost her her place to stay-and low and behold, my X had a vacancy. I was unable to continue to help her financially......and she was in a bad head space.....as was I and she lost her house. My daughter found herself in a self-made crisis, resulting from mental health problems, drug/alcohol use, so to have a place to live, she moved in with the X and has lived there for 3 years....She was my biggest support in leaving the X.....and has done a 180.....from encouraging me to leave and saying what a narcissist he was....to saying how horrible and mean I am......it feels almost cult-like.
So, it has been hard leaving everything and everyone behind.....believing that I've done the right thing for me. Dissociation made it easier to stay there and I spent a lot of time in my bedroom....I didn't stay around the X.....staying in my own space helped to reduce drama and criticism......and when he was raging, I just didn't feel. The wrong seizure medication also helped me not to feel and that was a major eye opener right before I left....when I changed meds. I've left....and worked hard to get to a better place.....believing that I'd be able to work things out with my daughter. But I've come to the conclusion that that isn't likely to happen. She was my motivation to change......and now all I'm left with is me.....I clung to that idea....that she'd come see me....that she'd leave, too. That she loved me.....but I don't think that's the case.....
I realize....I can't go home.....there is nothing left for me.......my distant family is covid afraid.....and far away.....can't even visit. Covid has made this so much worse.....I would have had more things to divert my attention.....more positive things to dwell on....
It is awfully hard to get up in the morning and maintain some semblance of motivation for living. Recently, I've realized that, I will likely live alone and die without family, and the trade-off to leaving everything behind is just better mental health. I'm not always certain the trade off was worth losing my daughter....it's been so very hard.....she is my only daughter. I'm older....in the fourth quarter of life, so I don't see "another family" in my future. I see lonliness, isolation, and dying maybe with a friend or two......if they are alive. I won't die in a nursing home......alone......and controlled and without independence. I lived that life....alone and controlled and dependent.....I won't die that way.
I'm not loving these feelings......nor the grief.....and loss....and isolation.....the separation......and loneliness.
Is there anyone who has left their family to find themselves in a better place, eventually???...........and got past the lonliness, horrific loss, and isolation, and grief? Could use a success story or two....to shine a possible light on this one. Does the grass ever look greener after going no contact?