Decisions we make when we are young often set us on a path of self destruction. My parents loved me and as an adult I became very close to both my parents, loved them deeply and would give anything to have them in my life (they are both deceased). 6 months into intensive therapy to help me deal with my lifelong self blame for a variety of incidents and decisions I made that were not decisions a child should make, let alone equipped to make. My parents were very good people but I think ill equipped to deal with children.
Of course my never telling them about my CSA from 10-12 by a pedophile was the start of my downward spiral leading to drugs, lack of effort at school and general acting out until I was about 19. I don't understand why no one heard my cries for help but they were loud. As a result of my actions and no guidance I never went to college and have had to struggle my entire life with the decisions I made as a child.
As it turned out I was able to build an entrapanural career that while bumpy has provided me and my family a comfortable life. I could have just as easily ended up going through life with a menial job. I think the part I am dealing with now is coming to grips with these realities which are quite different then I have told myself for 50 years.
While I blame myself and have for 50 years and a part of me will likely for the rest of my life for not fighting for myself harder I have to somehow come to grips with all this. I am trying but it is so hard. Every door that opens creates a new set of issues to deal with. The one thing I am grateful for is that I broke the cycle with my own children 34 & 28. They both have had a life with tons of support and they have achieved with one a PHD and the other an economist with a Masters. I still speak to my children every day and am deeply involved in their lives.
Now I have to learn to grieve for the child I was and find a way to move on.
Of course my never telling them about my CSA from 10-12 by a pedophile was the start of my downward spiral leading to drugs, lack of effort at school and general acting out until I was about 19. I don't understand why no one heard my cries for help but they were loud. As a result of my actions and no guidance I never went to college and have had to struggle my entire life with the decisions I made as a child.
As it turned out I was able to build an entrapanural career that while bumpy has provided me and my family a comfortable life. I could have just as easily ended up going through life with a menial job. I think the part I am dealing with now is coming to grips with these realities which are quite different then I have told myself for 50 years.
While I blame myself and have for 50 years and a part of me will likely for the rest of my life for not fighting for myself harder I have to somehow come to grips with all this. I am trying but it is so hard. Every door that opens creates a new set of issues to deal with. The one thing I am grateful for is that I broke the cycle with my own children 34 & 28. They both have had a life with tons of support and they have achieved with one a PHD and the other an economist with a Masters. I still speak to my children every day and am deeply involved in their lives.
Now I have to learn to grieve for the child I was and find a way to move on.