Is this normal or a red flag?

[Survivor2224]

I talked about my all my traumas in therapy and she said they were just facts and said to talk about all the details. Is that really necessary?

 

[Sues]

Hello, unfortunately in "talk therapy" (CBT, DBT, etc) you have to talk about the trauma. Talking about it over and over helps you to come to terms with it, normalize talking about it, and realize that you are not at fault and you cam work on a different perspective and heal.

I had a really hard time with it. It is so hard to say the words, to talk about it. Your therapist knows this and is there to support you through all of it. I recommend that if you are not already seeing a trauma trained therapist, that you find one. They are trained to deal with all the issues and things that we deal with and have been through.

My first therapist was excellent. He had trauma training (they all do), but he was not specifically trauma trained (sometimes called trauma informed). He helped me a lot and I'm so glad that I started out with him. After about a year, we both realized I wasn't progressing and it was time for me to work on finding a trauma therapist. I took my time and found a wonderful therapist who also does EMDR. EMDR is a "somatic" therapy, a mind and body approach. It has helped me tremendously. That being said, I still had to start by talking about my traumas and I still had to build up a trusting relationship with my therapist.

I wish you luck. I hope you check back in and keep us updated on how you're doing.

 

[internal]

it depends on how she went about it. if she told you that was the goal of therapy then that is correct. if she demanded that you immediately provide details that is bizarre.

 

[Movingforward10]

If a therapist said those words "trauma is just facts", I think I might look for another therapist....

What type of therapy is it?

My T says that sometimes she doesn't need to know the details. We can talk about the feelings of it.
Sometimes she says saying the words and talking about the trauma can take the shame out of it
It's all very personal though and you have to feel safe.
Can you ask your T more about it to understand?

 

[Survivor2224]

If a therapist said those words "trauma is just facts", I think I might look for another therapist....

What type of therapy is it?

My T says that sometimes she doesn't need to know the details. We can talk about the feelings of it.
Sometimes she says saying the words and talking about the trauma can take the shame out of it
It's all very personal though and you have to feel safe.
Can you ask your T more about it to understand?

I’ve just had a lot of therapist before and I’ve never had a therapist ask about the details it’s never been apart of my healing process so it felt sort of invasive and exploitive.

 

[Movingforward10]

I’ve just had a lot of therapist before and I’ve never had a therapist ask about the details it’s never been apart of my healing process so it felt sort of invasive and exploitive.

I can understand that.
Is she a trauma informed therapist?
Do you get a choice in what therapist to see?

 

[grit]

it felt sort of invasive and exploitive.

Knowing details of trauma does not heal! Otherwise, we would be all healed by now. Acknowledging the injury, accepting the consequences, and processing it bodily in therapy or in life may heal.

Your feelings of invasive and exploitive might be that when people push your boundaries you feel these two feelings - invasive and exploitive - and if your trauma has anything to do this - you probably will move very slowly - cause exploitation is a very serious traumatic for anyone! probably one of the worst injury to a human!

A therapist must work with the pace of the client not their own pace whatever that might be. I think this is a red flag but it could also be a misunderstanding or misattunment.

I am very assertive in my therapy in such I made an earlier decision that I do not have a lot of memories verbally but body memories (that is why I picked your words) because the body talks, we just have to listen closely. A good therapist, will go with your pace to safety (no safety no therapy end of story here). I know a lot of absolutes but unfortunately there are few strict boundaries in therapeutic frames and such are - a client cant be forced to share details, or go faster than they need - otherwise, how is the any different than what happened before. Therapy steps - stabilize - safety - process and not in a linear way!

To me it sounds you can talk about your trauma without much affects (therapists love seeing and hearing affects - this gives them something to respond to - otherwise they get triggered! (-: unfortunately not all of them but many of them). So you may be lacking affects/feelings and maybe sort of frozen when you tell your story in a factual and as a matter of fact way. That is your right until you change organically in sort of healing but it seems you are not there yet or maybe you show your affects different than this therapy can see or empathize with. Hard to say.

What does your body tell you? How do you feel about them generally? These may give you a clue what is being discussed...

 

[Survivor3]

My counsellor very rarely pushes me too far. I'm fact he never has. He reacts completely to my own speed and pace.

 

[ladee]

I've never had a T push me. Because I would have walked out. But try to find out first, what your T said and what they meant. Not saying you misunderstood. But just to clarify for yourself.

 

[Friday]

In my experience... It would depend on what she meant.

 

[coraxxx]

Talking about the trauma isn't necessarily healing. There are therapists out there that seem to think if you name things and stuff it just goes away but it's far more complex.

If what she meant by "the details" was to get in the detail of how it makes you feel and have a form of concretude and connection to what happened as opposed to cold "facts", it's quite okay, even if eventually too soon. But if it feels exploitative and invasive for you then it probably is.

It happened to me that I walked out a therapy because he was just pushing me way too fast and brutally. It was just upsetting me further and didn't help at all but felt guilty, stupid, sad and enraged. He did install an atmosphere of a sort of a battle where I had to cede or something, and that did happen with another therapist too, non trauma informed. As I'm completely triggered by power struggles tell me no more I was out before I realised.

Some see you're quite detached of yourself and want you to feel the feelings, but you can't just throw your patient in those flames and hope they'll go all okay.

 

[Friday]

As an example?

Combat.
Rape.
Torture.
K&R.
Trafficking.
Humanitarian Aid / NGO work
Natural Disaster.
Domestic Violence.
MVAs.
Stalking.

Now. From that incomplete list of facts from my life... tell me how I’m affected by them, and why.

If you can’t, maybe something easier, and just list out which ones cut me deeply with profound effect on my life, to which I really couldn’t care less about nor have their influences been felt, and the middling some effects/caring.

Probably can’t do that, either, right? And if you tried, you’d probably be wrong. Because we’re each of us different creatures. Even sharing the same disorder, we’re still affected differently.

If you’re just listing out facts? Any decent therapist is going to be as clueless about what’s going on with you, as you undoubtedly are about what’s going on with me.

*** ETA

Even just sharing the detail that it took me about 2 years to be able to list out those things, and to this day I’ve only managed a complete list a few times? Will give a decent therapist a helluva lot of insight. What will give them even more, is if I pick the trauma set I DGAF about, tell them that, and then talk about it for a solid couple of hours... in any level of details... with a wide array of emotions attached. <<< I have to do that wih any new trauma therapist I’m working with... because a LOT of people “simply” shut off their emotions / disassociate entirely from it, and can talk in great depth and detail (and diversion) about their trauma history. So I straight up tell them to put me through my paces, on it, so we can check it off the list. Totally open to finding any touchy or trouble spots... but to date? We never have. That’s one of the GLORIOUS things about fully processed trauma. It’s like talking about anything else.