AdamKadmon
New Here
Part of my difficulty with being with my CPTSD wife is trying to figure out when she's triggered and what is "the new her" emerging from all the EMDR and therapy. It's like the PTSD has now become an integral part of her personality. She'll get triggered about something and things will be tense and awkward, then she'll seem okay the next day, more regulated at least -- but still saying and believing the same stuff as the day before. For example, that me asking her how she's feeling or if she's okay is "scrutinizing her emotions," that my perception of her being angry or agitated or triggered is just my own interpretation and a result my "cognitive distortion." Apparently I have zero ability to read other people's behaviors or moods all of a sudden. In the past she'd often retreat back from the paranoid or irrational stuff from the previous day - but now she sticks to it, just in a less triggered way.
It also seems like lately she's either triggered or stoned. She got a medical cannabis card through her therapist, and it really does help the PSTD symptoms, but there seems to be no balance or stability possible without it lately. We are facing some huge life changes, including an international move (or rather re-move, because we moved to Europe last year and are now going back to the US), and a probable separation. So I understand that life probably feels like one big trigger lately (it does for me!). But at a time when we're supposed to be working on our relationship, basically from the ground up by reestablishing friendship, peace, and stability, it's not helping. The rag-doll dynamic - of feeling like I'm always being yanked around by her emotions - is still there. So she'll be dysregulated, tense and argumentative for a few days, then gets stoned and is suddenly affectionate and pleasant (though even that is an issue because sometimes it's not so fun to be around a stoned person, and we're also not being intimate because I'm concerned about trauma-bonding).... then the next day she'd dysregulated and snappy again.
Anyway, I haven't been on this forum for a long time and I looked back at my first posts from about a year and a half ago. Since then, all I can say is that things got worse, though the really extreme stuff is better. A "discussion" (basically meaning a calm argument without yelling) can still go on for 4 hours, but at least it's not as aggressive and loud. That seems to be the main progress which is depressing. That's after 4 years of her doing EMDR, which has now ended. Since then she's been suicidal a few times that I know of (and once was bashing herself on the head with a heavy ledger book, and another time punching herself in the head, and another pounding on her legs). She just started seeing a new therapist, so hopefully that will help. And we've also started couples counseling - the first session seemed really good in the sense that we trusted and liked the counselor, but I can't say I was encouraged in any way.
Actually, to give myself some credit, another bit of progress is that I manage my responses better - more often able to step back from the abyss, and not fan the flames if an argument is coming. I'm also a bit better able to not take her stuff onboard emotionally all the time, but you know, having to create distance creates more distance....
Another development: she "came out" to me as non-binary and is considering having her breasts removed. My shock, disappointment, and even horror at this is not understood at all, and she says "why can't you love me for who I am?" and "I thought you were such an enlightened, open-minded person." She sees it as finally becoming her true self, and wishes I could "go on this journey" with her, and celebrate it. I don't judge anybody's sexuality or gender identity, but I can't help seeing this as self-harm, self-mutilation, and related to her CPTSD somehow. But who knows, maybe her gender dysphoria is contributing to her PTSD, and maybe if she has the surgery and fully transitions to non-binaryness that will help? I don't know, and I don't think I will be around to find out. I already told her that I'm not the right person to help her through that if she decides to do it; though also that the idea of someone else helping her through it while I wait at home in horror trying to find ways to "celebrate" is also so depressing. I guess the surgery is a red line for me.
Thanks for reading.
It also seems like lately she's either triggered or stoned. She got a medical cannabis card through her therapist, and it really does help the PSTD symptoms, but there seems to be no balance or stability possible without it lately. We are facing some huge life changes, including an international move (or rather re-move, because we moved to Europe last year and are now going back to the US), and a probable separation. So I understand that life probably feels like one big trigger lately (it does for me!). But at a time when we're supposed to be working on our relationship, basically from the ground up by reestablishing friendship, peace, and stability, it's not helping. The rag-doll dynamic - of feeling like I'm always being yanked around by her emotions - is still there. So she'll be dysregulated, tense and argumentative for a few days, then gets stoned and is suddenly affectionate and pleasant (though even that is an issue because sometimes it's not so fun to be around a stoned person, and we're also not being intimate because I'm concerned about trauma-bonding).... then the next day she'd dysregulated and snappy again.
Anyway, I haven't been on this forum for a long time and I looked back at my first posts from about a year and a half ago. Since then, all I can say is that things got worse, though the really extreme stuff is better. A "discussion" (basically meaning a calm argument without yelling) can still go on for 4 hours, but at least it's not as aggressive and loud. That seems to be the main progress which is depressing. That's after 4 years of her doing EMDR, which has now ended. Since then she's been suicidal a few times that I know of (and once was bashing herself on the head with a heavy ledger book, and another time punching herself in the head, and another pounding on her legs). She just started seeing a new therapist, so hopefully that will help. And we've also started couples counseling - the first session seemed really good in the sense that we trusted and liked the counselor, but I can't say I was encouraged in any way.
Actually, to give myself some credit, another bit of progress is that I manage my responses better - more often able to step back from the abyss, and not fan the flames if an argument is coming. I'm also a bit better able to not take her stuff onboard emotionally all the time, but you know, having to create distance creates more distance....
Another development: she "came out" to me as non-binary and is considering having her breasts removed. My shock, disappointment, and even horror at this is not understood at all, and she says "why can't you love me for who I am?" and "I thought you were such an enlightened, open-minded person." She sees it as finally becoming her true self, and wishes I could "go on this journey" with her, and celebrate it. I don't judge anybody's sexuality or gender identity, but I can't help seeing this as self-harm, self-mutilation, and related to her CPTSD somehow. But who knows, maybe her gender dysphoria is contributing to her PTSD, and maybe if she has the surgery and fully transitions to non-binaryness that will help? I don't know, and I don't think I will be around to find out. I already told her that I'm not the right person to help her through that if she decides to do it; though also that the idea of someone else helping her through it while I wait at home in horror trying to find ways to "celebrate" is also so depressing. I guess the surgery is a red line for me.
Thanks for reading.