Thinking patterns are distorted by depression. They're the effect, not the cause.
This makes sense. My mind does not want to receive this information but I see it. I know what those words mean. I am skeptical and resistant but that’s a protector part who is very invested in the system of rules. Holding onto this for when I’m able to return. Writing it down in my paper journal.
As I wrote it down with a marker I could feel the anger in a part of me. I could feel the Confuser stepping in and a mocking voice saying the whole thing sarcastically.
That reminds me about how when I am in the thick of blocking my emotions a symptom I get is where every thought or sound I hear is passed through a “mocking filter”—where it’s as if everything that exists is behaving sarcastically—the music on the radio, the sounds of cars outside, every thought put into words. It is surreal, but not frightening. It goes away if another human shows up or if I move around in my space a lot or go outside. The effect is not fear, more disheartening, like, “Oh geez, not this again.” I never talked about it because it’s not a burden but I never made the connection between that and a depressed state until now.
I am fairly certain that I see a direct connection between blocking my emotions and this mild condition of my brain mocking the entire world—it’s more like the entire world mocking me because there’s a sense that every sound and thought has a joker smile toward me, but I recognize it as unreal. Regardless, I see the connection with blocking my emotions—this is something my brain comes up with, maybe to mirror what is happening inside. If I’m not allowing emotions, why or how could I trust my senses if they are unable to check in with emotions—so they guess there must be an extreme reason why emotions aren’t allowed—like maybe they are not to be trusted because they aren’t picking up on mocking.
That was an uncomfortable situation when I was a child. When I was expecting that my loved ones were using honest emotional signals but they were sarcastic and mocking but I couldn’t tell. In my toxic family, being the one who was sarcastic and mocking while others couldn’t tell was rewarded with power. So maybe my mind is hyper sensitive and triggered to look for mocking when my emotions are blocked, even going so far as to invent mocking to fit the experience of blocked emotions.
I never made that connection before and I think it’s helpful.
“Distorted thoughts are the effect [of your illness], not the cause.” Still those plain words don’t have a place to land, but I can keep them near me.
recurring thought patterns is one of the ways I can identify a depressed mood state in myself. Because, the thoughts are the same, or very similar, each time
I was picking up on this in my diary. The thought I have experienced before and this time at the onset of the depressive episode is an overwhelming sensation of missing T in a way that feels very young closely tied to a sense of judgment at the intensity of the feeling and a sense of disgust toward myself.
I mean when I feel good I miss T but not in an overwhelming way, just a light and charming way. This is like a sudden clutching sensation in my throat and a persistent needling at my heart. Closely followed with a need to isolate based on shame and distrust. Well, I can see that and describe it in a way I never have before. I do not feel calmer or better about the situation but I do feel like I see a pattern. A few patterns.
Things that are helpful for me to know that I am depressed (didn’t realize that identifying when I am depressed is helpful in case I want to try coping, but I do see that now too.)
1) strong feeling of missing T from the point of view of my little (this is the trigger that sets off a ricochet of protector type behavior such as)
2) strong feeling of needing to hide (more than normal)
3) strong feeling of disgust
4) a willingness to block emotional connection
5) which leads to coping for that, such as drinking, taking too much MMJ, self-harming behaviors, mild psychosis
So this is just for identification of a depressive episode. Coping with said episode is a whole other issue which I don’t want to go into. I’m guessing that there’s a protector part trying to block me from knowing when I’m depressed. Why? Because I was depressed for such extended periods of time in my life that thinking it was “temporary” wouldn’t have made sense to my system.
I know now that it’s temporary because of my felt experience but I still have surprisingly little grasp on it. Probably because my method has always been to hunker down until I get exhausted with being exhausted or something distracts me long enough (kids, work) so that I’m able to move past it. Then I act like it never happened and that it will never happen again.
My god writing it all out kind of scares me for how much work I have to do (protector and Confuser again working together to keep me from thinking about it.)
Back to the point. First step, notice my thoughts. Second step, look for thought patterns to indicate whether depressive episode has settled into brain. Do not judge. (Part of me wants to have a good laugh at that but I know that’s not only possible but necessary.). If patterns indicate depression has started then switch to coping strategies flow chart (to be determined) for depressive symptoms.
