General Rough Therapy Session

[OgreMagi]

I went with my wife to her second therapy session. I was expecting to discuss ways to deal with her PTSD. Almost the first thing out of her mouth was, "I can't do this anymore. I can't be your wife, I need to leave." I was dumbstruck. After much discussion, the compromise was I would sleep in a different room while my wife continued her therapy. I also told her she needed to see a psychiatrist about her anxiety attacks and hypersensitivity. This evening I will explain that seeing a psychiatrist is a must. There's no way her condition will get better just talking about it. Her various symptoms are overwhelming her and controlling her actions for the worse. I will not be a stranger in my own home if she will not engage is a full recovery plan.

My wife avoids conflict by running away. When we have a disagreement, no matter how insignificant, she will often spend the night at a friend's house. Therapy is forcing her to face her problems and this is significant conflict to her. The process of getting better is triggering her flight response to the extreme. Without medication, I doubt she would be able to tolerate therapy much longer.

I have never made a demand of her before, but I don't see any other option. I'm not sure how she will react to this. I won't be surprised if this triggers her, but how else do I convince her she needs to do this? Advice would be appreciated.

 

[Marley]

I am really not sure! But I think being open with her, either about this or just in general, using feelings in the conversation, maybe it will help her realize she can be open too ... and this won't be immediate. Encourage her to keep going to these sessions. She doesn't like to face her fears, well no one really does ... but digging it up, and cleaning it out, it's a very important process in life! Psychiatry might help, but demanding won't help her look at it under the right light ... just suggest it to her ...

I honestly have no expertise on this! ...

 

[krillco]

Many folks make an error in attributing all of their issues to one cause (PTSD). While a stress disorder is certainly (dys)functional in a coupled relationship, it may in fact not be as much as an issue as some very predictable, normal issues that occur in a long term relationship. It is all too convenient to blame all issues on PTSD. In most cases, the lack of differentiation and resulting emotional gridlock (with both parties at equal responsibility) is the key concept.

Of course, a proper assessment is needed to disentangle the source of each issue. Secondarily, finding a well accredited, well experienced therapist in a wide variety of issues is also a wise investment in therapy time.

 

[ISupportHer]

Lots I could say. I hear you in how hard it is.

One quick thought is that I was told some time ago that I should give it a rest the evening after a TH session. I mean, I want to know what happened, what was said, what are "we" going to do, what's the plan, thinking of important points I HAVE to say. But for my wife, it's been a hard day and to put it simply, her cup is full. Facing all my questions and my eager anticipation that we can fix things can just be too much. So, I bide my time. I ALWAYS say SOMETHING though. Like "things go OK at TH?" I know the answer will be "OK" and I will be frustrated but yet I know in my heart I have at least given her the opportunity to share. Sometime I get surprised.

Take care. I know it's hard.

ISH

Not saying not to talk with her. Just suggestion that you pick your time. And I say that knowing that there is no perfect time.

 

[changed]

I can relate to what your wife is doing as I did it myself. She will be aware that she is doing it (I was) but it is desperation, and the need to feel like she has some control over her life (or it was for me). If your wife is the same she will be aware or it and deep down feel guilty about it but it is uncontrollable.

I understand it is hell for you taking a backseat, but if you do give her the space and control she needs for now she will come round and come back to being ok with you (it will get better). My partner always wants to know how my session went, lots of questions straight away. I know my partner cares deeply and has my best interests at heart and I want to share but I normally need time to myself just to process the session and talk myself through it first.
We have had many arguments about it, but my partner now realises to ask, and if I dont give much away im not ready to discuss. The thing is, I always go and speak about it later, when im less stressed and exhausted and less pressured to talk.

The thing I started to relise was that what went on in therapy was mine, I had the control over what I told after and if I told, and when I felt no pressure to HAVE to talk I did.

I dont know you or your partner so I could be wrong, this is just my experience with it. Hope its of some help!

Take care
Changed x

 

[dust]

I agree with changed - you need to let her be in control. One of the reasons we get this is because all control was taken away. When I was bad, it would have killed me to be forced to do something I didn't want to - and it takes years to be able to speak about these things even with the trusted therapist.

As long as I was no risk to myself, I think it was best for me to find and set my own boundaries as and when I needed to. That also meant choosing if I wanted to take drugs or not. We all cope in different ways, some with and some without drugs.

best,

dust

 

[Sad Nicola]

I think you are forgetting that your wife is seriously ill, like cancer or heart trouble- PTSD is that bad. Try viewing it like that and you might find you can be a bit more tolerant. I know rejection is hard, but then we're in a relationship like marriage it's 'in sickness and in health'. Truly. You have to believe that it will pass - and with patience and good therapy it can. She needs your support and sometimes that can mean that you just have to stay out of her way and let her cope in the best way she can - she is fighting to survive and so your relationship is not always at the top of her list.

Apologies if this sounds harsh but I know where she is.
Nicola

 

[Deleted member 5760]

I hear ya sad nicola. Last night there was a blackout in my building. No elevators, nothing. So my mind goes into survival mode and I prep because I only have so much light left coming from my laptop. The only thing on in the corridor is the exit sign to the stairs. I thought I'd just wade it out. But I was so bored. I didn't wanna use my ipod because I figured it would make for a rather handy torch once my laptop ran out of battery, etc. The last time this happened to me was in a hotel In Kuala Lumpur just after I'd washed my hair and had it wrapped in a towel. Didn't think wandering down to the foyer with my hair in a towel would go down well in a muslim neighbourhood (lol). I was just sat there in the dark so bored.

After the power came back on I was one grumpy lady. I spoke to my gf and I just told her. 'Ohhh, long day followed by a blackout. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Love you'. She was fine with that because I've always been so honest about my moods. And I was not about to take it out on her. And full credit to her for hearing it in my voice and not pushing or taking it personally.

 

[hopelives]

I think you are forgetting that your wife is seriously ill, like cancer or heart trouble- PTSD is that bad. Try viewing it like that and you might find you can be a bit more tolerant. I know rejection is hard, but then we're in a relationship like marriage it's 'in sickness and in health'. Truly. You have to believe that it will pass - and with patience and good therapy it can. She needs your support and sometimes that can mean that you just have to stay out of her way and let her cope in the best way she can - she is fighting to survive and so your relationship is not always at the top of her list.

Apologies if this sounds harsh but I know where she is.
Nicola

Nicola although as carers we sometimes need to just be there to support it is not easy at all. My husband has moved out of our bed and sleeps in a different part of the house as he can't sleep next to me. Also for me the relationship is so important. But for my husband survival is for him. This is where sometimes I have found I have to put the relationship into perspective.

It is scary to be a carer at times. I know myself in my effort to feel that everything would be ok I would make demands upon my CPTSD husband. The thing I have found with my PTSD sufferer is that demands send him into a tail spin and are detrimental to his mental state. One of the biggest things I have found is to make it known to the therapist your position. Such as if you are at the point of walking away make that clear to the therapist that if xyz aren't in some way going to improve your position will be abc.

Also dont be affraid to have session without your sufferer present to ask questions on recover progress and or time lines. Of course timelines are a guess but I have found for me this has given me focus.

I personally think demanding anything from PTSD is setting yourself and them up for failure.

BIG BIG BIG HUGS to the OP