Pink Freud
Learning
Hello everyone,
my life has been a series of traumas and life crises with little silver linings in between. My people are all crazy. Father alcoholic, who liked to hit, mother schizophrenic to the point of batshit crazy, older sibling with strong narcissistic tendencies to put it politely. The rest is no better. I left home at 16 and performed a parentdectomy on my life. More specifically, I removed the entire family and everyone attached.
After my father passed away three years ago, they crept back into my life. I'm a people-pleaser and the thought of having a family like everyone else was so tempting, so I let them. If you need advice on boundary issues, I highly recommend asking someone else. Now I know how naive I was, thinking people could change over 15 years. Turned out they didn't one bit.
With hard work and effort I had managed to build a life out of the ruins my family provided me with for my adult life. I had to catch up on education, healthy relationships and life basics in general... Apart from my desastrous CV and daily struggles the trauma wounds could heal a bit over time. I had a couple of rounds of therapy and was on every type of drug the market had to offer. But after my family was not only the main actor of my nightmares anymore, but also a supporting actor again in the life that I had built for myself, all wounds opened up again.
Recently I had to have another parentdectomy. Right now I'm trying to get by from one day to the next with symptom and trigger management. I hate to admit but most days I'm failing. I'm triggered left and right, up and down, anxiety is going through the roof, I'm fighting passive suicidal ideation on a daily basis, depression at it's worst, chronic despair and all the other effed up stuff.
I lost all of my close friends due to Covid, some tin foil and a failing symptom management on my part because I lost the person I became to be and who they got to know me as. There were also friends who weren't in my inner circle but with rising symptoms I subtracted myself from their lives as well. Isolating is what I do when things get really bad. I can't get back into therapy and am trying to put a self-therapy together for myself right now so I won't drown. I'm trying to put it off as catastrophizing but honestly I think it is as bad as it looks to me at the moment.
my life has been a series of traumas and life crises with little silver linings in between. My people are all crazy. Father alcoholic, who liked to hit, mother schizophrenic to the point of batshit crazy, older sibling with strong narcissistic tendencies to put it politely. The rest is no better. I left home at 16 and performed a parentdectomy on my life. More specifically, I removed the entire family and everyone attached.
After my father passed away three years ago, they crept back into my life. I'm a people-pleaser and the thought of having a family like everyone else was so tempting, so I let them. If you need advice on boundary issues, I highly recommend asking someone else. Now I know how naive I was, thinking people could change over 15 years. Turned out they didn't one bit.
With hard work and effort I had managed to build a life out of the ruins my family provided me with for my adult life. I had to catch up on education, healthy relationships and life basics in general... Apart from my desastrous CV and daily struggles the trauma wounds could heal a bit over time. I had a couple of rounds of therapy and was on every type of drug the market had to offer. But after my family was not only the main actor of my nightmares anymore, but also a supporting actor again in the life that I had built for myself, all wounds opened up again.
Recently I had to have another parentdectomy. Right now I'm trying to get by from one day to the next with symptom and trigger management. I hate to admit but most days I'm failing. I'm triggered left and right, up and down, anxiety is going through the roof, I'm fighting passive suicidal ideation on a daily basis, depression at it's worst, chronic despair and all the other effed up stuff.
I lost all of my close friends due to Covid, some tin foil and a failing symptom management on my part because I lost the person I became to be and who they got to know me as. There were also friends who weren't in my inner circle but with rising symptoms I subtracted myself from their lives as well. Isolating is what I do when things get really bad. I can't get back into therapy and am trying to put a self-therapy together for myself right now so I won't drown. I'm trying to put it off as catastrophizing but honestly I think it is as bad as it looks to me at the moment.