I'm New So Hi

[Froggie]

Wow. That's some quick thinking there. I think it's interesting how our inner resources come out when we are threatened. I've had some pretty interesting moments too where I've risen to the challenge. I once stared down a stranger who had been hiding behind a bush in an alley near where I was living. I knew before I even went down my street that there was someone waiting there for me, as I heard a bird sound, but it wasn't a bird, it was a man making a bird sound to signal to someone. My intuition is quite strong...and when I got there, I went into the garden of a house and started banging on the door and shaking my keys like I lived there. No one answered, but eventually the guy came out and faced me, and we had this stare down that lasted for about 20 seconds, where I kept eye contact and showed no fear...even though I was scared to death inside...I didn't show it. he ended up running off and got in his car and drove away!

I'm not sure what I would have done if he had called my bluff...but my stare told him that I'd kill him if he came near me...and maybe I would have?





I just found that the people in my life at the time weren't really friends to me, and I didn't feel like I could talk about it with anyone. I didn't really speak much back then, and it just felt like it was for my survivals sake and to be able to move to where I wanted to be in my consciousness, that I couldn't be around most people, who seemed to have much bigger issues than I did.

I like my own space...a lot. I enjoy my own company a lot and I questioned the messages my mother fed me telling me that the worst thing in the world is to be alone. I don't believe that. I think it's really healthy to spend time alone. I was a hermit for a few years, and I loved every minute of it.
I prefer my company to most other people, simple as that!

When I was assaulted though, I realized how much I did need friends...but making friends can be such a long process, and finding the right people, who won't cause even more damage is a challenge. It took a while, and I did find people who were like minded. Don't get me wrong though, I did reach out for support...and went to groups and spoke with counselors...there just wasn't anyone I trusted enough or felt close enough to to share what was going on, and I had trouble talking about it...like actually getting the words out was a big thing for me, for some reason?

I also didn't feel like real life support groups are all that healthy in the long run. Peoples issues can bleed over into each other if they aren't too good at keeping their sense of self and boundaries up. It can get messy. That is just how I felt about it.

I also tended to attract very dominating women in my circle of friends, and I was quite passive at the time...so I needed to develop a more assertive way of being...which I am moving towards in leaps and bounds these days. It's gotten much easier than it used to be, but I still have trouble with attracting emotionally abusive people, men mostly, into my world.





Thanks so much.

I really appreciate what you write, your capability to say what happen and to say that you could have killed him. I'm still fighting within myself about those feelings and facts ... I'm not a vengeful person, but I have to admit ... publically ... that I could kill an agressor who would try to hurt one of children or grandchildren ... I wouldn't care because I would tell the judge "Hey, I got PTSD ... legal defense ... and blah blah blah" ... I never thought that I would be like that one day ... man that is crazy ... Now I'm just repeating in my head what ShadowChasser's grandfather told her.

 

[Philippa]

Thankyou for saying froggie.

I think we just don't know what we are capable of until faced with situations where your life is in danger.

I don't go around talking about taking revenge, but I have to say, that what helped me recover after I was sexually assaulted, was fantasizing about what I wanted to do to the guy. Even though it involved rage and violent thoughts, it helped me to feel like I had gotten justice, at least in my own mind. I read later on, at the rape crisis centre, about that strategy being recommended during the healing process...it just came naturally to me to think about it. Thinking about what you want to do to someone who hurts you doesn't mean you will do it...they're just thoughts, but it helped...me at least.

Violence is a part of being human, and I believe it has a positive use...for self-defense. Admitting it just means you are human.

It might not always work out that way at the time, infact, if there is one thing I've learnt, it's that things never work out the way you planned it in your mind.

I really appreciate what you write, your capability to say what happen and to say that you could have killed him. I'm still fighting within myself about those feelings and facts ... I'm not a vengeful person, but I have to admit ... publically ... that I could kill an agressor who would try to hurt one of children or grandchildren ... I wouldn't care because I would tell the judge "Hey, I got PTSD ... legal defense ... and blah blah blah" ... I never thought that I would be like that one day ... man that is crazy ... Now I'm just repeating in my head what ShadowChasser's grandfather told her.

 

[Pink77]

that I could kill an agressor who would try to hurt one of children or grandchildren ... I wouldn't care because I would tell the judge "Hey, I got PTSD ... legal defense ... and blah blah blah" ... I never thought that I would be like that one day

Froggie, I never thought I would feel that way towards anyone, but after my ex threatened to kill me one last time, and I believed he was going to go through with it, plus saying that I would have deserved it, the anger from all the ways he treated me and lied, came up that Thanksgiving. We were separated and I knew he would be with his family (one state away). I was paranoid that he was going to come to my folks' house where I was staying and try something (he had been begging my dad to see me). I told my sister-in-law (brother's wife) that if "he showed up, I would have grabbed my mother's biggest knife and I wouldn't be afraid to use it". The look of horror on her face made me regret saying what I did. But, I think at that point, she understood just how much pain he had caused me and was still causing me. It felt good to say it knowing I wasn't going to back down from him ever again. But if he had showed up, there was no way my parents would have let him near me, let alone me near a knife!

I think feeling this anger towards your aggressor is natural and is part of the "fight or flight" reaction we have built into our bodies for survival. It gives us strength like Philippa said even though we are scared inside. I've been threatened by others besides my ex, and to either talk them down or eventually get angry enough so they know I mean that I will hurt them physically and they back off, is scary but feels good, too, as a woman. We need to know we have that inner strength and not to be afraid to use it. I'm not saying we should go around killing every person who threatens us, but to stand up for ourselves, like Philippa did to that stranger. We have more inner strength than we give ourselves credit for.

Now, when you think that you wouldn't let anyone hurt your children or grandchildren, just remember, you're their protector, so don't let anyone hurt you either. You are just as important as they are! :) Pink

 

[Philippa]

I think that no matter how bogged down we get in our self esteem, there is still a part of us that KNOWS integrally that this is true Pink77...that we ARE just as important as everyone else. Anger is simply an expression of that.

We are animals after all...of the human variety. Animals all have the instinct to protect themselves and their young. It may be injured in many people, but that instinct is still there. Some people are just more in touch with it than others are.