Why I Wouldn't Commit Suicide.

[Jestadud]

Normally I avoid this section but following that awful picture welcoming people to this site, purporting to relate to survivors of suicide I really want to relate why suicide is not an option to me although I still feel a shortened future.

I have had car accidents and threatening times when time has seemed to run slowly and that has made me think that if I were to attempt suicide maybe, just maybe time would run slowly on that occasion also.
Which makes me wonder how many people have committed suicide who live long enough to regret their decision? How many have jumped then changed their mind? How many have cut then changed their mind? Can time be stretched out for eternity?

I am not a religious person but I have heard of purgatory and I apply that to any thoughts I might have along this line of thought.

I believe self harm to be a cry for help, but have this belief that suicide is on many occasions a mistake or misjudgement.

I await with some trepidation the responses to this thread.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear jesta, I too have had a couple of close calls where time was perceived within slow motion; oddly enough I did feel much as they say- not 'regret for the little things' as my life 'flashed' (crawled) before my eyes but a few thoughts that were small but very salient- and yes, they related right to the heart of the matter and you may say certainly questioned the 'unimportance' of most things that seem a lot more important until you are going to die. Or, to put it another way, the important things (love, people) were all that mattered, there was an implicit understanding of the proper perspective and a regret at the 'timing' and 'way' that life seemed to be (likely) to end, at the moment.

However, with suicide I believe there more frequently-than-not is constricted thinking: unless 'done' out of pride (very unlikely) it is similar to a person with their clothes on fire throwing themself through a window in desperation, more 'taken out of life' than taking 'themself' out.

I had a very frightening experience, in so far as feeling that way at times I have also found myself unable (at particular moments) to 'recall' any past memories- of me or anyone else- try as I may to wrack my brain to do so. Seriously I think one has to have something 'written down' to follow.

No, I don't whole-heartedly believe suicide would end all pain, and for many people it would cause terrible pain for others, but (for sure) it would end potentially more joy. I don't have the answers but I know that life can be beautiful, one needs to have the proper resources, rest, perhaps support or acceptance or help, to see it though. I don't think that can be accomplished very easily without a 'vote of confidence' from someone or somewhere that suicide is not an option (let alone a 'better' one), and that one is not a burden, feeling that way or not. I think many suicides are simply because people become too devastated, if something can support a person through that they may 'survive'- much like as with any 'terminal' illness- each day can be beautiful, no matter how many are left.

I think suicide, though different for different people, is grossly misunderstood. One of the best authorities on it (his wriotings as regards it) I have found to be Ron Rolheiser. I don't think suicide is 'chosen', the way people normally think. But I do think life-affirming or reinforcing things/ relationships etc, are -hopefully they can be, one day- chosen.

 

[just me here]

I think, therefore I don't do it.

I know I posted this on here before but I feel like I can maybe contribute a little to this thread.

My personal record so far is zero attempts to about a million thoughts about it. I assume this ratio will continue, based on the fact that it has never waivered. I can always think of at least one more reason to stay alive than I can find to do it.

Thats good enough to assure me that I won't do it if I just take the time to think first.

 

[blwnawy]

For me it's not wanting to put those closest to me jeopardy of being in the exact same situation I'm facing now.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think (just my experience however, and that is not really worth much), there is a particular problem not entirely addressed (well not at all) in literature I have seen: if one has been desperate enough to in particular 'seriously' attempt it in the past (and I don't say that it is ever "not-'serious' "- just I mean the intent is 'overkill'- pardon the pun), it's like your mind goes over how to ('this time') make the infallible plan- it's like there is no intention there but you go over 'why' it failed, over years and years. Thus the problem Jesta can be that a person can even be aware that they would wholly-regret it, but do to your 'planning' it would be un-stoppable- and yet still one can have difficulty 'stopping it', -does that make sense? By that stage I don't think that's as much a 'cry for help' as it is a total despair of hope or change, or a tremendous conviction of how burdensome one is (feels). Therefore perhaps there are 'sub-types' of how people feel.

I personally think that 'prevention'- by that I mean stopping the thought and emotions from sliding to that level- is key. Also probably 'saying something' because I think those thoughts (feelings) thrive on shame and secrecy. Or at least they 'grow'.(And depending on the situation/ diagnosis meds, of course).
Maybe part of it is just admitting you can't do it alone?

 

[just me here]

yeah, they grow. And not sharing it with anyone makes it a secret and that means it can burn it's way into your dreams and sub conscious thinking, till it becomes like a constant awareness of the desire to get this all over with quickly and cleanly that is like a hunger you have to satisfy by eating something.

For me, eating something means thinking about actually doing it and the results that it would carry with it.

I can make the thoughts go to the background by just saying "OK, lets be real. If I died today by my own hand, there is a long list of consequences that I do not want to happen, so it would be a dumb thing to do".

It's alot like quitting smoking, you just get better at saying no until you are finally aware of the fact that you can say no every time you are aware of the need to do it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks just me here, -explains why quitting smoking can be hard, too.

But ya- isn't that the truth- almost like an 'undone task' to get over with(?), after too many thoughts- ie "get it over with"/ know it's likely to resurface at some point anyway. -"Nuts" but I find that's true.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Why I Wouldn't Commit Suicide -

Because I want to be well. I've seen suicide - I've stared it in the eyes and it was a person who was not there. It was not my friend I stared at before he jumped. It was a presence that had taken him over. Complete and utter dissociation. I couldn't reason with it, I couldn't talk to it, I couldn't STOP IT.

So when that 'thing' hangs around me I can smell it... I can taste it.... I can hear it.... I can even feel it...

And I stand in front of it and I stare it dead in the eyes and I say with absolute conviction

I know who you are - we've met before................. now................ LEAVE

 

[snugglepuss]

I can't promise that I would never try it again. I would hope that I have developed strong enough resources for myself that suicide would not be needed. That being said, I am a strong proponent for the right to choose in the event of disability/illness.

My dad tried to commit suicide when I was young, between the age of 5 and 7 from what I remember. When I was 10, he was successful.

When I was around 14, my uncle tried to kill himself. I went to his apartment with my mum to check on him because she got a phone call from him that he was in distress. He was face down on the floor, unconscious. I was the one who called 911, because my mum was out of her mind. I was the one who had to tell her to put him on his side so that he could breathe and wouldn't choke if he vomitted. I was there when the paramedics intubated him, and watched while he became horrendously violent as a result of that.

When I was around 15/16, my mum was dating a guy who I was not that fond of. I got a really bad feeling in my gut when he was around. The casually dated for a couple months. I went with my mum to a casual work gathering at a friend's house. Everyone was drinking, and I went for a swim and was sitting on the dock when Richard came down to talk to me. He was drunk from what I remember. Not swaying drunk, but morose drunk. And he asked me why I didn't like him. I don't remember what I said to him. I remember that I felt trapped, and incredibly uncomfortable.

He went to his parent's house, where he was staying, and hanged himself in his parent's shed. My dad hanged himself.

I found it very troubling when I started to have suicidal ideation, and even more so when I tried it. But it also brought about a weird type of understanding of what my dad went through. I thought that I would be helping my family in a way by removing myself so I wasn't a burden anymore. I didn't want them to have to deal with a mess, so I made some pretty complex plans. But in the end, just swallowed a handful of pills. And for some reason, I woke up.

So, I will never pass judgement on people who try to commit suicide. That would make me incredibly hypocritical. However, I will forever condemn Richard for doing what he did.

 

[Jestadud]

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful responses because I had a drink when I started this thread and if I hadn't I would probably never have posted it. I am such a worryguts when it comes to things that might upset people.

Having got such positive responses I am now glad that I posted because in a section of such dire possibilities there is a need for a thread about the reasons why some of us have been able to turn away from this path.

As snugglepuss has just mentioned I don't mean to sit in judgement of anyone who might attempt or commit suicide, when ever I hear such news it fills me such sadness of the desperation they found themselves in and a fear for them of what might be at the end.

Basically the fear that time could be stretched out infinitely is a defence mechanism of mine.

This thread is now a place where others can add their own method or ideas to combat the mindset that can lead to suicide.

 

[Tinyflame]

One very important way* that combats the mindset - a compassionate and understanding response to the predicament of it, like you just vocalized Jesta.

 

[seedling]

Today my husband went with me to therapy because last week I got up the nerve to (finally) tell him that I had had suicidal thoughts during this whole ordeal. I showed him the Suicide Safety Plan that my T and I did a month or so ago. He was so great. Worried but not freaked out. He said many comforting things that really helped.
We had a good discussion today with the T (the second time we have gone together) and we talked about how we have been dealing with everything. My husband went through the trauma too and has his own feelings to deal with as well as what has happened to me. It's good we can connect more now as we try to deal with it all.
We agreed that I could call him at work anytime or go there and talk to him. He told me not to be afraid to tell him anything and that he was going to try to be there for me more.
For me, knowing I have that support will hopefully give me a way to stall out those feelings when they happen. With the plan and now my husband knowing about it, I feel like it's under some kind of control. Not the big secret anymore, left there to fester. What a relief. Doesn't seem so huge and terrible.