tl;dr I accidentally really hurt my closest friend, a rape victim who has PTSD, by telling her that I had feelings for her. I want to do what I can to help her feel better and repair our friendship, but I don't know what the best thing for me to do for her is, and I could use help.
Hi, I'm looking for advice about a situation involving a very close friend Kate, who has PTSD. I f*cked up really badly and unknowingly did something that ended up triggering her in a way that I worry might have permanent consequences to our relationship and might prevent her from feeling safe around me. I'm looking for advice on what the best thing I can do for her is.
Kate and I are both trans women. I'm 24 and she's 28. We met about 3 years ago and quickly became close friends, and about a year ago we moved into an apartment together (with 2 other roommates, who neither of us are very close with). Our relationship has been totally platonic the whole time we've known eachother, but over the past month and a half or so I started to develop feelings for her, and about two weeks ago I told her how I felt, and she said she didn't feel the same way. She seemed to take it in stride and not be too upset about it at the time, and then we didn't see eachother for about a week because I left town to go on a trip with my family (I timed it that way intentionally so we'd have some time apart to process independently if she said no). I didn't think it was too big of a deal for her because she seemed to take it fine when I first told her, but then I didn't hear from her over the week I was gone despite reaching out a few times, and when I got back in town and tried to say hi to her, she wouldn't even look at me and told me that she didn't want to talk. We haven't talked in person since then, and have only communicated a bit over text. I didn't realize what was happening for a few days and I begged her over text to talk to me (I didn't try to talk to her in person again because I was wanted to respect her boundaries, but I did send quite a few texts). After a few days I realized that me expressing my feelings had triggered a trauma response in her and she didn't feel safe around me anymore. I felt horribly guilty because I never meant to make her feel anything like that. A few days after I realized what she was feeling I left town to stay at my mom's place for a bit, both because I wanted to give her space and because being in the apartment and constantly hoping that she would finally come talk to me at any moment was really stressful for me and I felt that I needed to get away.
Kate is a rape victim, and the person who victimized her was another trans woman. This happened years before I met her. She's told me about the situation so I was aware of her trauma surrounding this. However, she's dated other trans women while I've known her, and I had no idea that the idea of a trans woman expressing interest in her would be so triggering to her. I never imagined that it could turn out like this when I told her about my feelings, and I still don't really understand why it did given that she's been willing to date other trans women. It might have been that we live at the same apartment so it freaks her out that she has no option to get away from me, or it might have been that it's scary that it's coming from someone she's so close with, or that she thinks I've had these feelings for a long time and I've been just pretending to be friends with her so I could work up to this, or some combination of all of these.
To clarify a bit about my feelings, I only had romantic feelings for a month or so before I told her, and honestly the feelings weren't even that serious. We're both poly, and I never imagined the two of us as primary partners, I just wanted us to have a comfy casual thing on the side while we each pursued more serious primary partnerships with other people. I pretty much just wanted us to be able to cuddle and be a bit more emotionally intimate with one another. I never really wanted us to have a sexual component to our relationship, that just wasn't why I was interested in her and I know sex is an emotionally complicated thing for her so I never imagined us going in that direction. We already spend a huge amount of time together so I wasn't really looking for much more in that sense, and ultimately the change I was hoping for in our relationship was fairly small, it would have just meant introducing some physical affection and more emotional intimacy. When she told me she didn't feel the same it wasn't even all that big of a deal to me, I was sad for a few days but then ready to move on and just continue being friends from her, and get the affection that I was looking for from other people. Our friendship is way way more valuable to me than the little extra aspects I was looking for. Getting to be friends with her is already so wonderful, I really value her perspective in conversations and I admire so many things about her and I feel so safe and comfortable around her, so I never would have even asked for more if I knew it would threaten our friendship or make her feel this horrible.
I wasn't very clear about exactly what I wanted when I told her I had feelings from her, I just sorta said "I have a crush on you" and she quickly said "I know, but I don't feel the same way. I love you bestie, but not like that" and the conversation ended pretty quickly after that. In retrospect I wish I had been more specific because I worry that she might have thought my feelings were more serious or more sexual in nature than they were. I wish I had clarified that these were pretty recent feelings, because I worry that she thinks this has been informing my behavior around her the whole time we've been friends.
She finally texted me last night for the first time in 3 days to tell me about some of what she was feeling. She told me that she has just felt like she needed space, and how being in the apartment with me was really distressing for her because she felt like she had no way to get away, and that she'd been getting headaches and nightmares since I told her. She just started a new work-from-home job and she said having to deal with that at the same time as all this has put even more stress on her (in retrospect my timing on this was pretty short-sighted). She also said that one of the biggest things she was worried about in all of this was that it would end our friendship, so that makes me optimistic that there might be a way for us to work through this and that we both want to find a way to still be friends after all of this.
I wrote a short response to that message to thank her for getting back to me and to say I was going to think through it carefully before responding in more detail, and since then I haven't said anything. I don't think she's eager to hear from me, I think she just wants space and to be able to get me out of her head so I think it's fine if I don't say anything for a few days. I drafted up a long message explaining exactly how/when my thoughts started and how they've changed throughout this situation so that she wouldn't think I was looking for more than I was or that I had been thinking about it for longer than I have, and to clarify that at this point I want nothing more than to just get back to us being friends. But then I worried that writing so much about myself was just kinda narcissistic and might not really be helpful for her, and I realized that the whole issue in the first place was that I didn't really understand her trauma, so I figured it would be better to try to educate myself about what she's experiencing and get advice from people who know more about this than I do. So that's why I'm posting here. Any advice would about what I should do in this situation or what I should say to her would be hugely appreciated. I'm happy to provide more info about the situation if that would help people give advice, so please feel free to ask questions. And If there's any resources I should look into or books/articles I should read about how to best help a friend with PTSD and avoid accidentally hurting her again, please let me know.
Hi, I'm looking for advice about a situation involving a very close friend Kate, who has PTSD. I f*cked up really badly and unknowingly did something that ended up triggering her in a way that I worry might have permanent consequences to our relationship and might prevent her from feeling safe around me. I'm looking for advice on what the best thing I can do for her is.
Kate and I are both trans women. I'm 24 and she's 28. We met about 3 years ago and quickly became close friends, and about a year ago we moved into an apartment together (with 2 other roommates, who neither of us are very close with). Our relationship has been totally platonic the whole time we've known eachother, but over the past month and a half or so I started to develop feelings for her, and about two weeks ago I told her how I felt, and she said she didn't feel the same way. She seemed to take it in stride and not be too upset about it at the time, and then we didn't see eachother for about a week because I left town to go on a trip with my family (I timed it that way intentionally so we'd have some time apart to process independently if she said no). I didn't think it was too big of a deal for her because she seemed to take it fine when I first told her, but then I didn't hear from her over the week I was gone despite reaching out a few times, and when I got back in town and tried to say hi to her, she wouldn't even look at me and told me that she didn't want to talk. We haven't talked in person since then, and have only communicated a bit over text. I didn't realize what was happening for a few days and I begged her over text to talk to me (I didn't try to talk to her in person again because I was wanted to respect her boundaries, but I did send quite a few texts). After a few days I realized that me expressing my feelings had triggered a trauma response in her and she didn't feel safe around me anymore. I felt horribly guilty because I never meant to make her feel anything like that. A few days after I realized what she was feeling I left town to stay at my mom's place for a bit, both because I wanted to give her space and because being in the apartment and constantly hoping that she would finally come talk to me at any moment was really stressful for me and I felt that I needed to get away.
Kate is a rape victim, and the person who victimized her was another trans woman. This happened years before I met her. She's told me about the situation so I was aware of her trauma surrounding this. However, she's dated other trans women while I've known her, and I had no idea that the idea of a trans woman expressing interest in her would be so triggering to her. I never imagined that it could turn out like this when I told her about my feelings, and I still don't really understand why it did given that she's been willing to date other trans women. It might have been that we live at the same apartment so it freaks her out that she has no option to get away from me, or it might have been that it's scary that it's coming from someone she's so close with, or that she thinks I've had these feelings for a long time and I've been just pretending to be friends with her so I could work up to this, or some combination of all of these.
To clarify a bit about my feelings, I only had romantic feelings for a month or so before I told her, and honestly the feelings weren't even that serious. We're both poly, and I never imagined the two of us as primary partners, I just wanted us to have a comfy casual thing on the side while we each pursued more serious primary partnerships with other people. I pretty much just wanted us to be able to cuddle and be a bit more emotionally intimate with one another. I never really wanted us to have a sexual component to our relationship, that just wasn't why I was interested in her and I know sex is an emotionally complicated thing for her so I never imagined us going in that direction. We already spend a huge amount of time together so I wasn't really looking for much more in that sense, and ultimately the change I was hoping for in our relationship was fairly small, it would have just meant introducing some physical affection and more emotional intimacy. When she told me she didn't feel the same it wasn't even all that big of a deal to me, I was sad for a few days but then ready to move on and just continue being friends from her, and get the affection that I was looking for from other people. Our friendship is way way more valuable to me than the little extra aspects I was looking for. Getting to be friends with her is already so wonderful, I really value her perspective in conversations and I admire so many things about her and I feel so safe and comfortable around her, so I never would have even asked for more if I knew it would threaten our friendship or make her feel this horrible.
I wasn't very clear about exactly what I wanted when I told her I had feelings from her, I just sorta said "I have a crush on you" and she quickly said "I know, but I don't feel the same way. I love you bestie, but not like that" and the conversation ended pretty quickly after that. In retrospect I wish I had been more specific because I worry that she might have thought my feelings were more serious or more sexual in nature than they were. I wish I had clarified that these were pretty recent feelings, because I worry that she thinks this has been informing my behavior around her the whole time we've been friends.
She finally texted me last night for the first time in 3 days to tell me about some of what she was feeling. She told me that she has just felt like she needed space, and how being in the apartment with me was really distressing for her because she felt like she had no way to get away, and that she'd been getting headaches and nightmares since I told her. She just started a new work-from-home job and she said having to deal with that at the same time as all this has put even more stress on her (in retrospect my timing on this was pretty short-sighted). She also said that one of the biggest things she was worried about in all of this was that it would end our friendship, so that makes me optimistic that there might be a way for us to work through this and that we both want to find a way to still be friends after all of this.
I wrote a short response to that message to thank her for getting back to me and to say I was going to think through it carefully before responding in more detail, and since then I haven't said anything. I don't think she's eager to hear from me, I think she just wants space and to be able to get me out of her head so I think it's fine if I don't say anything for a few days. I drafted up a long message explaining exactly how/when my thoughts started and how they've changed throughout this situation so that she wouldn't think I was looking for more than I was or that I had been thinking about it for longer than I have, and to clarify that at this point I want nothing more than to just get back to us being friends. But then I worried that writing so much about myself was just kinda narcissistic and might not really be helpful for her, and I realized that the whole issue in the first place was that I didn't really understand her trauma, so I figured it would be better to try to educate myself about what she's experiencing and get advice from people who know more about this than I do. So that's why I'm posting here. Any advice would about what I should do in this situation or what I should say to her would be hugely appreciated. I'm happy to provide more info about the situation if that would help people give advice, so please feel free to ask questions. And If there's any resources I should look into or books/articles I should read about how to best help a friend with PTSD and avoid accidentally hurting her again, please let me know.