How do you deal with hurt?

[Tinyflame]

@Teasel short on words but am very grateful for your kindness and support. I think you understand it totally from what you said. Thank you and thank you for you.

worth receiving the hurt?

What I just meant was I don't think there's usefulness in returning in kind, and have tried to assume it comes from pain +/or hurt or whatever sometimes.

Well no point in my whining about it. Mattered only mostly from childhood/ family, really. And now, well who could stand or would want 95 lb of baggage on their back, emotionally or otherwise, I get that. Sometimes people are even being kind in their mind not to say so, but they have to meet their own needs. And doing what they want is healthy. And perhaps I don't understand. But I learned long ago taking the effort to tell someone you are leaving when they'd prefer you leave is just plain silly. Probably would have behooved me to be born with a thicker skin or something. Or just as a different person.
.
Thank you both.

 

[Friday]

None of it has been worth it- not family, work, friends, relationships. I am raw and tired.

You need better people in your life.

That takes time & energy, to do, though.

It’s okay to not have that energy, right now. But when you are, in fact, just surrounded by assholes? The exhaustion of dealing with them doesn’t leave a lot of space for enthusiasm or self esteem. Even sheer dumb luck would have to elbow it’s way in… and the thing about luck? The more one needs it, the less one has.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you for your words @Friday. They are spot on for how I feel. Was just going to go to the What are you Grateful For thread and write I found Naproxin in the cupboard! as I didn't call in to work but couldn't sit, bend or get up from a sit today, or get more than a few minutes sleep at a time last 2 nights. Last week was the upper this week now the lower. Know you get that and then some.

Thank you so much for saying esp it's ok to not have that energy now.

I figure I'm like AI, minus the "I". Also, I don't expect anyone other than on here to 'get it', really. People don't realize what it takes, mostly I think, from current stuff or past. Not that they have to, but the things of their importance or need are likely different from mine. A woman yesterday told me my back pain would go away with forgiveness. (?) when I said it's always like that just a more sore (aka unbearable) day. This time I actually said, "Are you meaning my back pain is caused from unforgiveness?" To which she said yes. Thought I can't form unforgiving thoughts any more than forgiving ones with the pain. lol.

 

[Adobe]

How do you deal with hurt and insults, or where do you put it to function? It feels like grief, or rather leaves me like grief leaves me.

How does it affect your self image? What do you think or do to deal with it and get through the day when it just seems to add evidence to lack of worth or the futility of trying to move forward, or weighs heavily on your mind? I guess ir shouldn't matter if it's just 'words' but it also results in a lot of shame for me.

Thank you for any input or ideas if you are familiar.

I had a therapist tell me something that helped. Stay in the pool of pain. Don’t deny it as that invalidates you. Let your emotions out. They are real, I could never stay there as it would turn to resentment and bitterness. I do not know how each individual gets to forgiveness of self and others but it does work You will be triggered and have rumination. It will fade.
Set boundaries. Not walls. You don’t have to engage in relationship without those boundaries or you can avoid them entirely. You need no ones approval.Staying with the pain keeps us from pushing it under having it rear it’s head in angry outbursts or denial that becomes explosive. It does not matter who is right or wrong. Don’t let it tell you you are all wrong. Find your core of inner strength. Surround yourself with people that affirm you. Just having coffee with an affirming friend can help. This is what works for me maybe not everyone. The last thing.. the sting of it takes time. It does get better.

 

[arfie]

I don't think there's usefulness in returning in kind, and have tried to assume it comes from pain +/or hurt or whatever sometimes.

i am saluting that flag with sincere enthusiasm. while i am distracting myself with the assumption that it comes from the pain, hurt or whatever, i try to be gentle with myself for my reflexive craving to return the hurt in kind --with a few creative embellishments. the nature of reflex does not make me a bad person. sitting a compassionate spell with the assumption gives me time to channel the creative embellishments into something other than returning the hurt in kind. i hope that made sense to you. . . I'm still trying to make sense of ^it^, too.

Probably would have behooved me to be born with a thicker skin or something. Or just as a different person.

**********coffee cup clink***********
i'll drink to that.

alas, somewhere along my recovery road i let go of the assumption that i had that much control over the facts of my birth. these days i believe that whether i got to choose those facts, or knot, i still don't get do-overs. the me i am today is what i have to work with today. sigh. . . i'd much rather be j-lo.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Hulda and @arfie . I understand the concept of sitting with the pain, but I feel too pain-filled, if that makes sense? And @arfie I think reflex is good- honest and well, communication is better than none. Thank you both so much.

I suppose I just feel really confused: what is the past, and unfair and inaccurate to bring forward; what is the present, and where I am not understanding enough, or conversely accept poorer treatment because I am used to it? I believe in boundaries (healthy), but my hands are tied to execute many, what can I substitute it with? I don't want to be bitter, but I fear more suffering in the name of being 'loving'. I also fear any hint of repeat of the past / past types of people, but I know I can't always tell the most trustworthy from the worst, or reverse them. I loathe being a burden, because I've been told I am. But probably just as equally painful is being a burden to someone else, especially how it feels if there is no escape for them, as I know how that feels. I try to communicate and ask, but even I think that's interpreted as insecurity instead of no clarity. I probably am a bad communicator. Yet it is also insecurity, but based on knowing people can change, choices can change. I don't feel particularly resentful, not even angry, more afraid. I also feel mostly confused. I want to improve, I want to manage, I want to make enough sense to not be a burden to others and have a bit of my own internal peace. I know I have to try to do things I am not comfortable with, but Idk the line of what is the wrong road, unless it's obvious. I don't trust my own judgment particularly, and I am a people pleaser but not for the sake of people pleasing but rather peace,. Or trying to understand everyone has their own battles. But I also probably would be fine just not present either, it's always safe(r) alone. I am not particularly assertive, both out of fear and because most battles, well I don't entirely understand where they even fit in the war. And it takes so much energy, yet I don't want to continue a useless, burdensome or unwelcome path. And I feel this late in life it doesn't matter because I don't matter (unless I or my presence can provide something useful or needed).

 

[arfie]

I think reflex is good- honest and well, communication is better than none. Thank you both so much.

however i choose to judge it, reflex is essential and diverse. i was born with breathing reflexes. that basic reflex was distorted during the stresses of growing up in kiddie whorehouses. more than half a century later, the conditioned reflex remains to hold my breath when i am anxious. insert awareness and therapy tools here.

And it takes so much energy, yet I don't want to continue a useless, burdensome or unwelcome path. And I feel this late in life it doesn't matter because I don't matter (unless I or my presence can provide something useful or needed).

with my 69th birthday around the corner, i enthusiastically believe it matters more than ever. proof unavailable --i only believe-- that the emotional baggage is what i will take with me when i go. i am hoping --just hoping-- to leave the useless, burdensome and unwelcome here. just hoping. . . more and more, i feel like the diminished energy of geriatric physics are helping that hope. i am far less inclined to chase snake oil salesmen these days. holding on takes far more energy than letting go. far and away more. it's not the letting go that hurts. it's the holding on that hurts.

 

[Adobe]

Thank you for your words @Friday. They are spot on for how I feel. Was just going to go to the What are you Grateful For thread and write I found Naproxin in the cupboard! as I didn't call in to work but couldn't sit, bend or get up from a sit today, or get more than a few minutes sleep at a time last 2 nights. Last week was the pupper this week now the lower. Know you get that and then some.

Thank you so much for saying esp it's ok to not have that energy now.

I figure I'm like AI, minus the "I". Also, I don't expect anyone other than on here to 'get it', really. People don't realize what it takes, mostly I think, from current stuff or past. Not that they have to, but the things of their importance or need are likely different from mine. A woman yesterday told me my back pain would go away with forgiveness. (?) when I said it's always like that just a more sore (aka unbearable) day. This time I actually said, "Are you meaning my back pain is caused from unforgiveness?" To which she said yes. Thought I can't form unforgiving thoughts any more than forgiving ones with the pain. lol.

I get her comment but tying forgiveness ??? Maybe the book None of These Disease is her reference???

When I first became aware from my T that I had no healthy core or that settled sense of self. What did I want that is what mattered. I mean really want in my relationships. First thing that came out was I was seeking approval in every relationship. I did not ask the question is this the type of person I should care so much about that I become that people pleaser. I thought that being nice would lead to people being nice back. That was not the case it led to a false self in me and my assumptions about them. Of course I got hurt because I did not pay attention to myself and what my needs were. I did not use critical thinking skills. Not critical as commonly used. I formed relationships too quickly rather than take it slow. Over time we begin to see things we did not observe
In the beginning. In doing these things we can avoid blurred boundaries or not.

For me I have learned to go slow. One thing my T grilled into me is that when someone comes on, male or female in your life and immediately want to be your best beware as you just may be plugging into something unhealthy. As far as dating.. if you see this shiny person across a crowded room and they respond in kind. Run like hell as you are probably plugging into an unhealthy dynamic. This is a lot of my early stuff. Blurred boundaries and not using my gut feelings got me into false friendships that I thought were more than they actually more than reality. I am a little older than you. I find new friends and people a little harder to traverse. Most people already have their friends that they have known for years and that dynamic gets harder as we age. We need friendships but navigating is always a challenge. Best to you.

When I first became aware from my T that I had no healthy core or that settled sense of self. What did I want that is what mattered. I mean really want in my relationships. First thing that came out was I was seeking approval in every relationship. I did not ask the question is this the type of person I should care so much about that I become that people pleaser. I thought that being nice would lead to people being nice back. That was not the case it led to a false self in me and my assumptions about them. Of course I got hurt because I did not pay attention to myself and what my needs were. I did not use critical thinking skills. Not critical as commonly used. I formed relationships too quickly rather than take it slow. Over time we begin to see things we did not observe
In the beginning. In doing these things we can avoid blurred boundaries or not.

For me I have learned to go slow. One thing my T grilled into me is that when someone comes on, male or female in your life and immediately want to be your best beware as you just may be plugging into something unhealthy. As far as dating.. if you see this shiny person across a crowded room and they respond in kind. Run like hell as you are probably plugging into an unhealthy dynamic. This is a lot of my early stuff. Blurred boundaries and not using my gut feelings got me into false friendships that I thought were more than they actually more than reality. I am a little older than you. I find new friends and people a little harder to traverse. Most people already have their friends that they have known for years and that dynamic gets harder as we age. We need friendships but navigating is always a challenge. Best to you.

Thomas Merton deals with the false self which we all have versus the true self in “ New Seeds of Contemplation” It is quite a thought provoking book.

 

[Tinyflame]

@arfie I am sorry, though I know can't possibly understand the depths of what you've gone through and the sorrow with it I understand better now more what you mean by reflexive, re: the breathing example. I do the same and just now wonder too if it might explain why sometimes my brain/ body decides to pass out if there is screaming/ conflict. Thank you.

holding on takes far more energy than letting go. far and away more. it's not the letting go that hurts. it's the holding on that hurts.

Oh my goodness, ^^^^ truer words never spoken. The conflict always involves choosing to hold on than give up for me.

@Hulda I believe I understand what you mean, and agree, as the being-nice-to-get nice-expectation is common. But tbh I don't do that. I won't say I don't hope others are not nasty in return-I do do it at work sometimes in that regard. Nor do I care about dating or really wants (there is also the irony the more you don't want to get asked out the more you will be, like praying you won't get called on in class for the answer even if you know it but then they always did). I suppose my exterior (not exactly false) self is going through the public day laughing, listening, going through he motions of all the 'normal' engagement and living and participation-Idk, can't find the words. But with awareness or feeling at the end of some or important to me times that do matter that my feelings never mattered. Maybe that is plugging in to the wrong people but family is not chosen, either. I have always understood that expectation breeds disappointment which breeds resentment. But I guess sometimes I thought my feelings, or needs, mattered when they weren't really on the radar. And that therefore is my fault/ mistake. I guess too I did it because I felt trust which made me feel confident (not confident is not the right word, but something akin, that it would be considered, confident my feelings and needs would be important enough to be considered, at least on the periphery if it required not too much effort from others).

Yes Idk with that lady, I don't hold it against her and I weighed it, or took it in to consideration, especially regards tight muscles and even the mind-body-soul connection. But I am practical too and concluded (and told her briefly, which she didn't get and I'm glad if she doesn't relate), seems we all ended up with EDS and that resulted in lots of dislocations over even nothing, arthritis for me neck to toes (started as a teen), and much scar tissue. Add in several injuries and a very physical job and a very physically demanding life of which I over-stuffed too much in to make the most of a few days off, and well, there you go. JMHE but I believe a great chiropractor is the most help there. And certainly prayer can change one;s focus and be focused on others' needs but I can't pray when I can't think straight with the pain or spasms or immobility.

Thank you so much. It's a stupid post of mine anyway. Wah-wah-wah,, lol. But, I do love Thomas Merton, think I've read all of his books but it's been years since. Except for the Idk-where-I-am-going, which pretty much is me, except that I need to work on believing in my heart the last line :

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

Thanks so much. Hugs to you.

 

[Tinyflame]

I thought of something funny, but true, ^^^, my family couldn't choose me either haha.

 

[Adobe]

@arfie I am sorry, though I know can't possibly understand the depths of what you've gone through and the sorrow with it I understand better now more what you mean by reflexive, re: the breathing example. I do the same and just now wonder too if it might explain why sometimes my brain/ body decides to pass out if there is screaming/ conflict. Thank you.


Oh my goodness, ^^^^ truer words never spoken. The conflict always involves choosing to hold on than give up for me.

@Hulda I believe I understand what you mean, and agree, as the being-nice-to-get nice-expectation is common. But tbh I don't do that. I won't say I don't hope others are not nasty in return-I do do it at work sometimes in that regard. Nor do I care about dating or really wants (there is also the irony the more you don't want to get asked out the more you will be, like praying you won't get called on in class for the answer even if you know it but then they always did). I suppose my exterior (not exactly false) self is going through the public day laughing, listening, going through he motions of all the 'normal' engagement and living and participation-Idk, can't find the words. But with awareness or feeling at the end of some or important to me times that do matter that my feelings never mattered. Maybe that is plugging in to the wrong people but family is not chosen, either. I have always understood that expectation breeds disappointment which breeds resentment. But I guess sometimes I thought my feelings, or needs, mattered when they weren't really on the radar. And that therefore is my fault/ mistake. I guess too I did it because I felt trust which made me feel confident (not confident is not the right word, but something akin, that it would be considered, confident my feelings and needs would be important enough to be considered, at least on the periphery if it required not too much effort from others).

Yes Idk with that lady, I don't hold it against her and I weighed it, or took it in to consideration, especially regards tight muscles and even the mind-body-soul connection. But I am practical too and concluded (and told her briefly, which she didn't get and I'm glad if she doesn't relate), seems we all ended up with EDS and that resulted in lots of dislocations over even nothing, arthritis for me neck to toes (started as a teen), and much scar tissue. Add in several injuries and a very physical job and a very physically demanding life of which I over-stuffed too much in to make the most of a few days off, and well, there you go. JMHE but I believe a great chiropractor is the most help there. And certainly prayer can change one;s focus and be focused on others' needs but I can't pray when I can't think straight with the pain or spasms or immobility.

Thank you so much. It's a stupid post of mine anyway. Wah-wah-wah,, lol. But, I do love Thomas Merton, think I've read all of his books but it's been years since. Except for the Idk-where-I-am-going, which pretty much is me, except that I need to work on believing in my heart the last line :



Thanks so much. Hugs to you.

You are dearer than you know. You are on the right track and you may not know it fully, yet. These side issues and distraction s do get us off course. We need to discern better than we do. I think of so many situations I could have avoided. But even the negative experiences are great teachers if we are listening and watching. Best to you and a hug.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you for your kind words @Hulda , I appreciate it.

Well not sure by my age what track is left ahead. But the truth is everyone hurts everyone else at some time, I hurt others also. And that we, or perhaps I'll just say me, can focus on what I'm grateful for, or what I'm not. The 'not' part probably also comes from focusing on myself, ad fear. Always the big picture matters, usually any given moment can feel protracted if it's fight-or-flight. And fwiw, the walls needed to navigate life and the world with ptsd likely wouldn't make sense to most people. Doesn't mean I don't have to do what I need or how I need to do it to bear life, but I needn't prioritize it over others, or presume anything. Recognize my own flooding or amygdala hijackings, I guess. I just need to function, really.

Thank you for your kindness.