How do you deal with hurt?

[Tinyflame]

How do you deal with hurt and insults, or where do you put it to function? It feels like grief, or rather leaves me like grief leaves me.

How does it affect your self image? What do you think or do to deal with it and get through the day when it just seems to add evidence to lack of worth or the futility of trying to move forward, or weighs heavily on your mind? I guess ir shouldn't matter if it's just 'words' but it also results in a lot of shame for me.

Thank you for any input or ideas if you are familiar.

 

[Weemie]

Most insults roll off me. What other people think of me is their problem, not mine. However I've had a couple incidents where people have said some things that really cut to my core. That tends to happen when people outwardly reinforce the way I think of myself inside.

People that were otherwise meant to be friends who become triggered by the things I talk about and who end up lashing out at me. I run a support group for traumatic extremes and I've been up front about my history there and made some friends. A few times there are those who hone in and lob targeted insults like serial killer, psychopath, monster.

At the end of the day I'm not so much dealing with their insults as I am dealing with the way I view myself. It's easy to take monster to heart because deep inside I believe that I am a monster. I remember when Omar Khadr came to my city and people protested outside of the building and said he wasn't welcome in our city. I went and counter protested.

These things evoke strong responses but I was very disappointed in my city that day. There can be a lack of nuance when it comes to taking people as a whole entity.

And when people get angry at me it is very easy for them to vilify me even when at first, they may have felt some type of pity or compassion for me. I really related during his speech when he said he has to be at 100 all the time, he can never falter, because people will use that as evidence that he is evil. He's not allowed to make mistakes that ordinary people are.

Functionally, people who speak to me that way are quickly removed from my life. I don't have the patience or spoons to worry about them. I forgive them, and I understand that they're most likely triggered by me, but I don't have any urge to subject myself to bullying. I work hard to live a peaceful life and I'm not about nonsense.

 

[Charbella]

How do you deal with hurt and insults, or where do you put it to function? It feels like grief, or rather leaves me like grief leaves me.

How does it affect your self image? What do you think or do to deal with it and get through the day when it just seems to add evidence to lack of worth or the futility of trying to move forward, or weighs heavily on your mind? I guess ir shouldn't matter if it's just 'words' but it also results in a lot of shame for me.

Thank you for any input or ideas if you are familiar.

Avoid the people who think it’s okay to do it. Honestly I cut people out of my life who are like that. I need to get better at distancing myself from family who does it.

For you, who’s doing it? Why?

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you both so much. @Weemie that is more helpful than you know. And..

At the end of the day I'm not so much dealing with their insults as I am dealing with the way I view myself. It's easy to take monster to heart because deep inside I believe that

I totally agree with this. In a sense that's why it has frustrated me, because although it would always disturb me (likely) if I didn't feel it had merit it wouldn't cut so deep. Nor would I probably be consumed with the same thoughts or shame.

. I forgive them, and I understand that they're most likely triggered by me, but I don't have any urge to subject myself to bullying. I work hard to live a peaceful life and I'm not about nonsense.

^^ I feel the same, and try to do so. But I never have thought of me triggering them. And I guess I suppose I could say vice versa. Thank you so much.

@Charbella yes family but we are forced to co-habitate. But equally I value her opinion. I think forgiveness is easier than forgetting when nothing is resolved, it can lurk in the back of the mind. I also find myself saying or sharing nothing as I feel it may get thrown back at me or ridiculed. And yes, I try to practice good boundaries but in some cases I have few realistic options. Perhaps she feels the same way?

But at the end of the day context is still relevant, Though triggers can come without much context, except obviously the basics (H.A.L.T., substances, Stress Cup Overflowing). I can't understand all (or sometimes even some) of what I should, and if it was the end of the road it wouldn't matter. It feels to me petty (on my part). But equally the impact is great. because as Weemie said above it is my own belief to begin with, which only I can change. I guess the shame is I could also see if it were the end of the road the truth being in my heart-of-hearts always wondering of what the quality/ lack of quality of love (or its absence) was, never trusting there was much love there at all. And maybe she feels the same, Idk. Which maybe is a normal consequence or one which may change if I get wiser over time. I can't blame her or anyone else for what I believe about myself, and it takes more maturity than I have to not take it personally. Although, like grief, usually people in my family blow up or attack each other when support is most needed; I can look back and know it's from exhaustion, stress, grief, and even if I don't put more in to it they are bad and lonely memories.

One last question if I may @Weemie , how did you counter those beliefs?

Thanks both so much.

 

[Dergrosse]

It's not easy dealing with insults, especially during times I hate myself. I have a few different tools I'll share. I'm far from perfect and don't use them as often as I should, but when I do I find it helpful (most of the time)

Up first, the questions for myself.

1. Is it true?

If its not true, who cares, it tells me more about the person who said the words. If it is true, I move on to the second question.

2. Does it matter?

If it doesn't matter, than who cares. Once again, this tells me more about the person who made the comment. They are focused on insignificant matters that aren't worth my time. If it does matter, I move on to the third question.

3. Is there anything I can do about it?

If there is nothing I can do to change it, there is no point getting upset about it. Should I cry because I'll never be over 7 feet tall?

Then come the quotes.

“If anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said of you but answer, ‘He was ignorant of my other faults, else he would have not mentioned these alone.'” – Epictetus

If I'm in a f*** the world mood, the quote by Epictetus is fantastic. I can just laugh and say "if you only knew"

“Choose not to be harmed — and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed — and you haven’t been.” – Marcus Aurelius

This idea from Aurelius is much harder to put into action. I try to remember it when getting cut off in traffic, if nothing bad actually happened, then nothing bad happened.


As far as I can tell the only insult that should have an impact is the one based on a truth that matters and I have some control over it. That doesn't mean it should upset me, just open my eyes to an area that could use some work.

We have a lot of stuff to work on, other than the things the people around us know about. The kind of work we have to put in to make progress isn't easy. We aren't capable of fixing everything we don't like about ourselves at once. So never forget where it is on YOUR list, if it's not a top concern for you and your T at this time, even if it's true and matters there are much more important items to be focused on.

Hope you foud something helpful in here.

 

[Weemie]

One last question if I may @Weemie , how did you counter those beliefs?

I try to use thought replacement where possible. Not only do I have core beliefs that are structured in this way but I also have a lot of obsession and intrusive thoughts, which means I will think the same thing over and over and over and over again. So it was very helpful to find a replacement for each thought as it comes up that is true, even if it isn't positive.

The replacement I picked for these thoughts in particular (I'm a monster/evil/etc) is "I am grieving what happened to the people around me." So much of my negative self-beliefs are a result of internalizing what happened to the people around me because I witnessed myself as its cause. But the real reason is because I believe it never should have happened. The real reason is because of grief, and sorrow, for what they endured.

It isn't effective all the time but it does help.

 

[arfie]

i treat pain and grief like a cases of psychic flu. lots of rest, fluids, soft food and extra gentle safe care. don't try to understand ^it^. just process and let myself go where the healing mysteries take me.

 

[Freddyt]

How do you deal with hurt and insults, or where do you put it to function? It feels like grief, or rather leaves me like grief leaves me.

Step one: Is this a PTSD thing? Am I making what was said worse by how I process all incoming info as negative? Is this part of a negative core belief or a cognitive distortion?
Step two: Is it jealousy? Some people can't face themselves. One of the best poker players ever Doyle Brunson once said "Most people will never be good poker players because they can't bear self knowledge". He was right. Those people want everyone to play on their level - where they can use their crude manipulation and bullying to control people. Because you are trying to get better - they don't like that and want to drag you back where they can use you to make themselves feel better about the way they behave.

The one thing that bullies can not stand - is people who know they are bullies. So when they don't have that power over you because you know they are being a bully - they want to get away and stay away. Best way to do that is to beat them to the punch. When they start - you finish. Say the things they say to you back to them. Ask them if that was all they wanted to say. Don't be affected. Laugh and giggle. It takes away their power.

 

[caroline_13]

This was a great thread!

 

[MrMoonlight]

Something I learned since working on myself over the last five years. Insults that surprised me coming from my mother used to send me spiraling. But now I learned about boundaries and use them very effectively today. I become the observer and notice what's happening. My emotion is removed from the situation and I start making new boundaries with the person.

If someone is constantly negative and judgemental they get pushed out to the outer rings of my concentric rings. Rings that delineate how close I allow the person. I only let people close the the center who have proven themselves. If you are a negative person to me I automatically bring up those boundaries so I'm not surprised by the insult.

I used to have porous boundaries. Today not so much.

 

[Friday]

How do you deal with hurt and insults,

Those two things are very rarely linked together for me.

When they ARE?

- It’s usually someone I love, or at least care about
- It’s usually something I’m already deeply insecure & unhappy about

^^^ Those 2 things are also not as linked as they may appear. I’ll be far more hurt about someone I love mis-reading me, misunderstanding me, assuming the worst / Mindreading &/or jumping to conclusions that are completely incorrect NOT my intentions/motivation… than when someone I love zings me about something I’m already deeply insecure and unhappy about.

- I’m ALSO nearly always in a bad place, or edgy, or reactive as f*ck, already (HALT is a good example; hungry, angry, lonely, tired; as well as hurting / grieving / dealing with flashbacks / stress cup = Coke with Mentos dropped in, etc.) So I’m already “primed” to feel like shit, as I already DO feel like shit.

But, as I said, hurt & insult are very rarely linked.

- MOST of the time? I couldn’t give less of a f*ck when someone insults me -including someone I love, and/or if it’s something I’m already insecure/unhappy about- if I was eyeballs deep on Valium.
- Often being insulted will simply amuse me, or crack me up.
- Sometimes it’s hilarious/exciting. Like “Oh? You want to play? I can play.”
- Occasionally it will annoy, at worst. Like…seriously man? WTFO? Shrug.
- Even less often it will piss me off.
- Every once in awhile I’ll simply be disappointed.
- Extremely rarely it will make me sad.
- Only when we get to the teeeeeeny tiny narrow end of the spectrum of possible emotional responses do I feel hurt when someone insults me.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I am sorry I am having too much tunnel vision to respond properly but I give you all my thanks.