Supporter Understanding My Boyfriend's Behavior and PTSD

[hATEptsd]

Thank you @Applecore I took the time to read this and I do see where I can be anxious. I guess I'm just searching for answers that I may never find.

 

[Applecore]

Thank you @Applecore I took the time to read this and I do see where I can be anxious. I guess I'm just searching for answers that I may never find.

Maybe like all of us, you are also searching for answers inside yourself. And like all of us, you can find them.

 

[Deleted member 53623]

So i replied that he really needed to get a handle on this. (keeping his first therapy appointments that the night prior he told me he missed/ cancelled). That set him off into a rage of nasty text messages to me about how selfish I am and every weekend I try to make him do things he doesn't want to do and he is f*ing sick of it and he does not want to be in a relationship with someone like that.

It sounds like your boyfriend thinks he is entitled to rage at you. I didn’t realize that when I replied earlier.
As much as you love him, and want to be there for him, sometimes you need to put yourself first. I know this is much easier said than done.

Maybe set a boundary about what he can call you, such as ’ selfish ’ which he texted to you. That is, I think akin to verbal abuse.

No matter how angry he gets about your attempts to help him,and other things, his PTSD gives him no right to mistreat you in any way.
He is responsible for himself.

It sounds like you try really hard to be there ( as one would for someone they love and care about), and that is all good.
In this situation, though, as he has repeatidly raged at you ( that would make at least me tip toe around that person and be scared.)
Raging can be a way to control others in a situation when someone feels powerless and feeling as- if there is ’ nowhere else to turn”. So they lash out.

It is very hard to suggest what to do, but I would try to set some boundaries around the raging, and if there is any other attacks to you as a person going on.
You do not have to accept that. !
Perhaps tell him, or write to him, if you don’t accept him raging at you anymore. And then that you will leave if that boundary is crossed. And then follow through with that, and stick to it.

I would ,if I were in your shoes , as a first step stop helping him/ not suggest him getting help and such , as it seems to trigger him, and first and foremost keep myself safe emotionaly: hang out with other friends who are supportive , and to keep your own boundaries intact.
This is an extremely difficult situation for you.
I do hope you have support!

Best / Lightblues

 

[hATEptsd]

I would ,if I were in your shoes , as a first step stop helping him/ not suggest him getting help and such , as it seems to trigger him, and first and foremost keep myself safe emotionaly: hang out with other friends who are supportive , and to keep your own boundaries intact.
This is an extremely difficult situation for you.
I do hope you have support!

Best / Lightblues

Thanks, I did tell him the last time he called me selfish that I really COULD NOT handle him calling that ANYMORE. Maybe that is what this is all about, he cannot control me so he doesn't know what to do. Yes, he can be verbally abusive and no I do not want to tolerate it. The worse thing is that he NEVER apologizes and yes it's like he's allowed to say whatever the hell he wants but I am not! I haven't text him or anything and if it is a battle for control, I will win it. I have thought about what I would do exactly if he did reach out? Like, I am not ok with any of this. I get so caught up in the fact that he has shut me out and the fact that I feel so rejected and confused that I tend to forget about everything else. Thank you, you have reminded me of some very important things that I had just pushed aside lately. Reading the article that @Applecore sent made a lot of sense to me and how I do react in situations where I feel insecure. I need to work on that, really work on it. I have always had problems setting boundaries. Ugh I hate to even think about the work involved. For me it is very difficult.

I am sooooo thankful that I have found this forum and can get such awesome advice!! You guys are ALL amazing!

 

[hATEptsd]

Maybe like all of us, you are also searching for answers inside yourself. And like all of us, you can find them.

I love this! Thank you!!!

 

[Deleted member 53623]

Thanks, I did tell him the last time he called me selfish that I really COULD NOT handle him calling that ANYMORE. Maybe that is what this is all about, he cannot control me so he doesn't know what to do.

It does sound like he is desperate for control, especially when it comes to your and his relationship.
You do not have to buy into it, or follow his lead, though.

Yes, he can be verbally abusive and no I do not want to tolerate it. The worse thing is that he NEVER apologizes and yes it's like he's allowed to say whatever the hell he wants but I am not!

If he never apologizes, it shows that he feels entitled to do what he does. He is Not entitled to verbaly or emotionally abuse you, ( I know you know this, just wanted to strengthen your belief in you, and that you are worthy of good relationships, not one where you are hurt or mistreated in any shape or form).

I haven't text him or anything and if it is a battle for control, I will win it.

Good for you for not textning him. It might add ’ fuel to the fire’ in this whole situation.
I am not sure if you want to see it as a battle for control, or ’ war ’ ( not sure if you meant it that way), but as someone in need who you can not/ it is probably best for you not to help and be there for, as he is being abusive towards you.
That should never be tolerated, can end in tragedy.

I have thought about what I would do exactly if he did reach out?

If you have set a boundary, clearly, ( and told him that if he did it again, you can not be in touch anymore/ the end of the relationship, ( if that is what you think and feel), please stick to your guns then and do not give him second chances.
If he has proven to have these patterns for very long, he sadly is not likely to change his ways, I think.

The way he texts you a nice text goodnight with a kiss , plus his ettatic behavior seems manipulative to me. Like he is trying to be on good terms with you, dispite of names he called you, and raging. Deep down he must know , or sense of that his behavior is not OK. He does it because he can, I think.
Sometimes people do what they can get away with.

Like, I am not ok with any of this. I get so caught up in the fact that he has shut me out and the fact that I feel so rejected and confused that I tend to forget about everything else.

This makes a lot of sense. I think most people would feel rejected and get caught up. In many ways he does reject you, maybe due to his own problems, and in ways that are not fair to you. These problems are not your responsibility.
Of course you are not Ok with it.

It sounds like this guy, and you trigger each other in a lot of ways.
Him verbally abusing you, or to be mean in any way should not be part of a relationship though.

I have always had problems setting boundaries. Ugh I hate to even think about the work involved. For me it is very difficult.

Yes, I agree. Boundaries are very difficult, but important. I used to be not able to set any boundary at all to people. It was when people, even random folks on the street and so, started to cross normal boundaries with me more and more, that I Had to learn to stand up for myself and put my foot down.
I started therapy ( for me, to process my past traumas) and learned a lot there, both about myself and others.

You have the Perfect right to set any boundary you want, when it comes to others wanting things from you, and your person.
And the word ’ no’ means ’ no’. You do not even have to explain why you say no. You just don’t want that, or to do that/ be involved with that, right now. Or ever. That is all up to you. :-)

When people do not ’ hear ’ or don’t respect your ’ no ’, they are , in fact, trying to control you.

 

[Popeyes girl]

Hi everyone. I'm new here. I don't have PTSD, but my boyfriend does. I need help trying to understand his behavior. He refuses to get help so I really don't know what to do next.

I'm going through the exact same thing you are going through. My boyfriend is getting less and less in contact with me

 

[hATEptsd]

I'm going through the exact same thing you are going through. My boyfriend is getting less and less in contact with me

I'm sorry you are dealing with the same thing. I haven't reached out to him for two weeks (soon to be three). I have just considered myself single since we haven't talked in over a month. I hope your situation turns out better than mine has.

 

[Applecore]

I'm sorry you are dealing with the same thing. I haven't reached out to him for two weeks (soon to be three). I have just considered myself single since we haven't talked in over a month. I hope your situation turns out better than mine has.

Don't knock it. You might have just embarked on a path to getting to know yourself a lot better, after which everything will be possible. Seize the day.

 

[Mee4]

Now I have a nagging feeling that he's cheating on me and that what all of this is about. He has been active on Facebook messenger but wants me to leave him alone. It's all coming together now.

I know it’s hard, but I think stepping back is best. This isn’t healthy, or fair to you. The more you reach out, the more he will probably push you away until it drives a permanent wedge between you. The more he hurts you, the more you guys are going to have to work through. It doesn’t sound like he’s in the right frame of mind to work through healing a romantic relationship, when he can’t even heal himself right now. It can be painful when people try to get close to us. It feels like they want something from us that we don’t have to give, and it can become suffocating. It can make us resentful of people who are just trying to care for us. If it’s getting to the point where your mind is wondering, and you’re developing fears of him cheating, it’s having a big negative impact on your wellbeing. Sometimes caring for people with PTSD is leaving them alone so they can reset their brain. That’s how it works for me at least. My boyfriend is extremely affectionate and it drains me. I think it’s important for me to be affectionate with him, because my inability to emote the way most people are developed to emote really upsets him at times. He thinks I’m always upset when I’m not upset at all. an unfortunate consequence of being affectionate is that I need a extra time away from him here and there. I start to feel suffocated, and resent him. The poor man just wants to be near me! Unfortunately it’s the way my brain works and we have to find ways to work with it. Hopefully your boyfriend comes around, but at this point I think you need to take care of you.