Anxiety over talking to counselor tomorrow.

[Workingonit]

The ruminating is bad right now if you can't tell. I've been trying to play guardians of the galaxy. Epic gave it out for free the other day but I'm struggling with maintaining focus.

 

[Movingforward10]

Sounds like the past is very much present. And you're carrying around a lot of long term, various trauma. A difficult place to be.

What helped me try and put the past, or the feelings or helplessness, hopelessness from the past back where it belonged, was speaking out loud to myself. Remembering I have choice and autonomy now. Any thoughts that help you counter the ones from the past.

Re the thoughts of government being evil. I mean, I agree! I in the UK and our government is corrupt. I gave up my TV in the pandemic (watching too much news and it impacting me). I think there is a difference between having legitimate thoughts that the government has ultierior motives other than to serve the population, and believing that the government is personally attacking us as the individuals we are. And I think the problem with ruminating is that it starts off from a base of truth, and then our thoughts make it escalate into catastrophe.

Little steps forward. Tackling the whole past you have been through will take time. And we're all here with you on the journey!

 

[Workingonit]

Sounds like the past is very much present. And you're carrying around a lot of long term, various trauma. A difficult place to be.

What helped me try and put the past, or the feelings or helplessness, hopelessness from the past back where it belonged, was speaking out loud to myself. Remembering I have choice and autonomy now. Any thoughts that help you counter the ones from the past.

Re the thoughts of government being evil. I mean, I agree! I in the UK and our government is corrupt. I gave up my TV in the pandemic (watching too much news and it impacting me). I think there is a difference between having legitimate thoughts that the government has ultierior motives other than to serve the population, and believing that the government is personally attacking us as the individuals we are. And I think the problem with ruminating is that it starts off from a base of truth, and then our thoughts make it escalate into catastrophe.

Little steps forward. Tackling the whole past you have been through will take time. And we're all here with you on the journey!

I stopped paying attention to the news about a month ago. Its helped. But now I have to find healthier things to occupy my mind with.

And thank you.

Sounds like the past is very much present. And you're carrying around a lot of long term, various trauma. A difficult place to be.

What helped me try and put the past, or the feelings or helplessness, hopelessness from the past back where it belonged, was speaking out loud to myself. Remembering I have choice and autonomy now. Any thoughts that help you counter the ones from the past.

Re the thoughts of government being evil. I mean, I agree! I in the UK and our government is corrupt. I gave up my TV in the pandemic (watching too much news and it impacting me). I think there is a difference between having legitimate thoughts that the government has ultierior motives other than to serve the population, and believing that the government is personally attacking us as the individuals we are. And I think the problem with ruminating is that it starts off from a base of truth, and then our thoughts make it escalate into catastrophe.

Little steps forward. Tackling the whole past you have been through will take time. And we're all here with you on the journey!

It also doesn't help that my government is consistently targeting conservatives openly and our president likes to pretend he's baby hitler while giving speeches with a blood red background while threatening half the country with f16s and nukes.

 

[Friday]

I think its dealing with emotional stuff and I really don't trust the government. My hypervigilance manifests in political interest. Plus paranoia and high iq.

You sound like my kid.

You figure a workaround? Lemme know!!!

Right now the best thing I can offer HIM are polySci classes, and biographies/autobiographies of some of the world’s best players (of the past 2500 years) so he gets the political operator thing to balance out an awareness of the game, with understanding the games being played.

It’s not my Schitck. I grew up on bases & in embassy schools, so I don’t believe a single thing printed… ever, really. That he gets soooo wrapped up in, I just want to shake him. But it’s a different kind of intelligence/personality. That truly CARES about domestic/international events in a way I simply don’t. Because I don’t believe anything in print. It’s maaaaayve 4% of the real story, 90% we’ll never know, & 6% spin. IME/IMO.

We’ve pretty much always known he’s going to be a cop or a journalist, when he grows up, because he CARES (deeply, profoundly) that other people are doing the “right” thing. He MIGHT become a political animal, instead? Coin in the air. But, regardless? Doing what’s “right”, is in his blood and bone. In a way that’s pure him. Right now? What sustains him, destroys him. As a parent, I want to flip that axis. Find something worth dying for, and figure out a way to live for it. He doesn’t have that… yet. And needs something I cannot give him, to find it.

So if you were parenting you? What flips the weakness (hypervig, et al) into a strength? No weakness exists without the axis flip, also IME/IMO.

 

[Friday]

Whoops!

Back on target…

…if you’ve decided to trust your T? Trust them. Anxiety is just a thing. Electric & hit something, so hit something, and do what you’ve decided.

Word to the wise? Don’t let that “something” be random. Like a bathroom stall, or the first irritating person you come across. Burn off the energy, instead, on something designed TO be hit. Without breaking your hands.

 

[Workingonit]

You sound like my kid.

You figure a workaround? Lemme know!!!

Right now the best thing I can offer HIM are polySci classes, and biographies/autobiographies of some of the world’s best players (of the past 2500 years) so he gets the political operator thing to balance out an awareness of the game, with understanding the games being played.

It’s not my Schitck. I grew up on bases & in embassy schools, so I don’t believe a single thing printed… ever, really. That he gets soooo wrapped up in, I just want to shake him. But it’s a different kind of intelligence/personality. That truly CARES about domestic/international events in a way I simply don’t. Because I don’t believe anything in print. It’s maaaaayve 4% of the real story, 90% we’ll never know, & 6% spin. IME/IMO.

We’ve pretty much always known he’s going to be a cop or a journalist, when he grows up, because he CARES (deeply, profoundly) that other people are doing the “right” thing. He MIGHT become a political animal, instead? Coin in the air. But, regardless? Doing what’s “right”, is in his blood and bone. In a way that’s pure him. Right now? What sustains him, destroys him. As a parent, I want to flip that axis. Find something worth dying for, and figure out a way to live for it. He doesn’t have that… yet. And needs something I cannot give him, to find it.

So if you were parenting you? What flips the weakness (hypervig, et al) into a strength? No weakness exists without the axis flip, also IME/IMO.

This is good. All journalists lie, both sides, it comes with the job description. You have to review their sources and thats where the real mindfk happens. When you realize everybody is lying and manipulating with an agenda. I really just don't want any of it. I'm terrified of hurting people and it seems like people are hell bent on pitting us against each other which will destroy all of us. Because I promise you that it will be bad for all parties involved.

I call myself a conservative, but I am more akin to a classical liberal which basically don't exist in substantial numbers anymore. I can't say I'm a liberal because then people think I'm something I'm not.

Also the internet is a powerful tool if you can get past the deliberate disinformation the actual source/documents/videos are somewhere screaming to be heard.

When you see things that are hidden and you try to tell people and they don't believe you and call you crazy it is so isolating. Some of the stuff is starting to come out now but there are people that did that to me. My dad and his friends. And then lately ill go in the living room and the news will be talking about it like is breaking news and I just want to scream and break things. I tried to tell him years ago but I'm crazy...

Or more specifically the border problems which until recently were a conspiracy. My cousin implied i was a racist, which is offensive being a 90s kid. I talked to him about 6 months ago and he was going on about it and I commented now he was a racist just like me. Which pissed him off.

Its all just so dumb. I pretty much am sick of it. I just want to crawl in a hole and wait for the end but we all owe the government our servitude it seems.

 

[Workingonit]

Whoops!

Back on target…

…if you’ve decided to trust your T? Trust them. Anxiety is just a thing. Electric & hit something, so hit something, and do what you’ve decided.

Word to the wise? Don’t let that “something” be random. Like a bathroom stall, or the first irritating person you come across. Burn off the energy, instead, on something designed TO be hit. Without breaking your hands.

You can talk to me about your kid it might help both of us. And kids are always good.

 

[Friday]

And kids are always good.

True that.

He’s been a delight. So unique to himself. He taught me math… could be beautiful. When he was just a toddler. He’s been his own person, since day 1.

Fun as hell.

 

[Workingonit]

Whoops!

Back on target…

…if you’ve decided to trust your T? Trust them. Anxiety is just a thing. Electric & hit something, so hit something, and do what you’ve decided.

Word to the wise? Don’t let that “something” be random. Like a bathroom stall, or the first irritating person you come across. Burn off the energy, instead, on something designed TO be hit. Without breaking your hands.

I've been in what I think is depression psychosis since at least sept 2021. I'm working through some things and my timing is terrible with the holidays being stuck with my dad. Which I'm torn up about. He has done some really awful things to me and my little brother but he has also been the only person never to give up on me. I think its his alcoholism and disrespect for boundaries that cause me to shut down so I'm in limbo until the va stuff kicks in.

 

[Workingonit]

I almost fell into the alcoholism trap when I first got home from iraq but I can't handle the hangovers. They last for days and are debilitating. I looked it up recently and I guess it's called hangxiety?

 

[Workingonit]

I'm a mess.

 

[Workingonit]

Sometimes when it gets to be to much I kinda check out mentally and just want to burn it all down. Screw it, enjoy your dystopian nightmare while it lasts. If you don't care why should I?

But I fixate on trying to do the "right thing" as you put it and have often said those things as well as "just because other people are shitheads doesn't mean you need to be".

Idk I'm kind of venting.