Anxiety over talking to counselor tomorrow.

Keep busy rather than sitting and letting the anxiety build.

I tell myself I’m going to do it, that my therapist was good & knew what she was doing & I could trust her if I had difficulty during the session.

So I just kept myself nice and busy and didn’t let myself get in a state about it. Redirected my thoughts, made sure I’d got some exercise in etc
 
Sometimes some really good sessions have happened when I was most anxious about going, I think that's because I get more anxious when there's something significant lurking in my mind that I need to talk about.

But when I get anxious, I remind myself that I don't have to talk about anything, that I have a choice and that I change my mind at any time too. I think with trauma we're not in control, but when, what and how we talk about it, we are in control.
 
And you don't have to share what you don't want to, or yet, and they may turn out better than you fear. They may turn out great and this will be a huge turning point of progress for you. Hugs.
Its my 5th? Session. Hard to say because for the first few I was out of my mind with grief/ruminating from recovering lost memories. But ya I'm trying but I really just want the world to piss off.

Sometimes some really good sessions have happened when I was most anxious about going, I think that's because I get more anxious when there's something significant lurking in my mind that I need to talk about.

But when I get anxious, I remind myself that I don't have to talk about anything, that I have a choice and that I change my mind at any time too. I think with trauma we're not in control, but when, what and how we talk about it, we are in control.
I think alot of it is because I spent so long with it buried. I really just want to keep it buried but I can't anymore.
 
Being anxious I think is part of the process in some ways and links in to what @ziter said.

What is triggering the anxiety?

What helped me when I felt like this at the start of therapy was:
Remembering feelings pass
Remembering that a feeling is not a fact
Remembering that I am in control, not feelings in control of me
Remembering that feelings are a message and I can understand it
Trying to accept the process (so hard!)
Remembering that the worst has already happened and processing feelings will give release as opposed to trauma.
And various grounding techniques


The therapeutic process is so freaking shit. It's so hard. So destalbising. So difficult. It really needs to be an easier process! But the healing that comes from it is worth it. It does get easier. You learn to process feeling, and memories, and out of that comes acceptance and growth.
 
What is triggering the anxiety?
I think its dealing with emotional stuff and I really don't trust the government. My hypervigilance manifests in political interest. Plus paranoia and high iq. I was a mechanic 63S in the military even though I score a 99 on the asvab with a 130ish gt, I've always liked semis, growing up on the road. Volunteered for deployment and spent 14 months in iraq. Never touched a wrench. I was attached to a special forces engineering team, whatever that is, I'm still struggling to remember. We did foot patrols, convoy security and gate security. We processed 1000+ Iraqis a day at times. My main area of operations was the most attacked area at the most attacked base in theater. When I got home back to my unit they had discontinued my mos and told me I could either become a truck driver or get out. That was my first meltdown.

On top of being abused by the child support system as a kid. They were charging my dad 800 bucks a month for 2 kids he had us while my mom was mia running drugs with her boyfriend. He tried to talk to them but couldn't afford lawyers and started drinking heavily.. My dad took it out on me when he got too dunk and was psychotic. At times he would make me work in the orchards and take my money when I was far to young but I was a big kid and we would lie about my age.

Sometimes we would get to go to school. Mostly school was great. It was super easy and got me away from home. But occasionally we would get to a place and kids didn't like me. I had a kid whip his dick out in front of me in the locker room. I hurt him pretty bad. They had me arrested and my dad was pissed but the prosecuter refused to press charges after investigation. Another time a kid was picking on me and after about 3 hours of him nagging me to fight him I finally agreed. I hurt him pretty bad and they threatened me with charges and expelled me which later got overturned.

I could go on but I think this is enough.

I guess what it comes down to is that I'm going to have a very hard time being convinced that the government being evil and inept is a cognitive distortion.
 
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