Separating the "good" from the "bad" in traumatic life experiences

[Ecdysis]

I've read other people here struggling with this as regards childhood trauma - amongst all the awful stuff that happened, for many of us, there are random nice/ kind things that also happened.

These don't negate the abuse and trauma (although when we're trying to minimise or deny the trauma, these "positive" things are very helpful in that endeavour). (Also, when other family members try to more vigourously minimise or deny the trauma, they'll often pick these same examples to try and "prove" that things weren't "that bad".)

So, the positive moments are quite confusing.

For me, like probably for a lot of you, they're such a tiny part of childhood trauma, that they don't really make much of an impact tho. If 98% of your childhood is abuse, neglect, violence, trauma, then a random sprinkling of 2% non-awful stuff doesn't alter the overall picture.

I'm not sure if I should explore this further in therapy at some point, but for now, my position regarding the childhood trauma is clear for me and the 2% positive things don't really confuse me much (other than everything about trauma is confusing to some degree).

However, I've ended up experiencing trauma in an abusive adult relationship a few years ago, and here the good/ bad thing is so much harder for me to figure out.

Here it's not a ratio of 98% to 2%. Here it's more like 50% and 50%. There was a LOT of good stuff, before the relationship turned abusive.

I often wish that it wasn't like that. It would be so much easier if it were, say 80% or 90% negative... That would be so much easier to process.

But this 50/ 50 thing... Or maybe 60/ 40 or 40/60 thing... It's confusing all heck out of me.

My mind and subconcious seems to oscillate between wanting to say "it was all bad" and throwing out the good with the bad (the baby with the bathwater) or, alternatively, wanting to say "it was (almost) all good" and trying to minimise the abuse and trauma and ends up wishing for that abusive relationship to resume, which is obviously deeply unhealthy.

Both of these "solutions" that my subconscious tries to grasp, are deeply unhelpful. They resolve nothing, which is why I guess I keep oscillating between them - because both feel right and wrong at the same time.

I suppose I need some kind of more mature/ wise solution - some way of holding both the good and the bad... But so far, it evades me.

The trauma experience involved puts me in such a primal/ childish mindest that wisdom and maturity seems inaccessible.

How can I literally hold both the good and the bad from this experience?

If I try to sacrifice either, for an easier narrative, I can tell I'm sacrificing huge, important parts of myself, my experience, my life, along with it.

At the same time, trying to hold both of those things makes me feel physically sick, like I want to puke.

 

[intothelight]

I find that as I recover memories, the good memories come back with the bad. It isn't all or nothing and I can't give percentages to it as it is what it is. One does not negate or minimize the reality of the other as they are snapshot of that point of time in my life. The house I lived in could be HELL when my father was out of town, but school would be good as were the times spent with my friends. There were even good times in my life at home and yes while the trauma colors much of my emotions at that time, the fact I can recall these moments of normality and even happiness have helped me gain perspective over life as a whole and even my own reactions/responses. Once I could learn where it was in my past it comes from, I can learn to not let it color my present.

 

[Ecdysis]

I feel miles away from that... it keeps going through my head as a mutually exclusive thing:

If there was good stuff, then it can't have been trauma. And if it was trauma, then there can't have been good stuff.

 

[Friday]

If I try to sacrifice either, for an easier narrative

“The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.” -Oscar Wilde

I've read other people here struggling with this as regards childhood trauma -

No childhood trauma here, but as this is posted in General….

amongst all the awful stuff that happened, for many of us, there are random nice/ kind things that also happened.

My experience with combat & domestic violence is about 96% good to neutral to annoying, 2% amazing, 2% terrible.

My experience with other kinds of trauma the good/bad varies TREMENDOUSLY… both by the type of trauma AND the individual occurrence/event.

The thing about both combat & domestic violence? It’s. Normal. Life. You’re living it, day in and day out, and there are THOUSANDS of tiny pieces that all add together to make “normal”.

It makes it very easy for me to walk though gangland, or connect with people in cartels, or associate easily with other criminal enterprises… because subtract the Hollywood moments… and it’s just “normal life”. People living their lives, wanting the best for their kids, trying to come up with dinner plans, and deal with annoying neighbors, and needing a new toothbrush, and… all the things. Just as it makes it very easy for me to connect with soccer moms, and suburbs, and ranchers, and university students, and, and, and. As it’s “all” normal life. People doing their thing.

CAVEAT … If you’ve ever watched The Walking Dead? There’s a season where the survivors / our heroes discover this little untouched bedroom community… where people care about things like what kind of pasta their guests might like best / dislike. When, if the last thing you ate was a soy sauce packet, 2 days ago? FFS. THIS IS WHAT YOU WORRY ABOUT?!? ((And where people are sleeping in seperate bedrooms, in different houses, instead of all together in one room, and a whole lotta other stuff))… that pretty much perfectly defines my attempt to transition FROM combat/domestic violence into… not. It’s brain braking, & aaaaaaaaaall my instincts are all off, wrongness, badness, confusion, overreaction, not parsing.

It took me roughly 5 YEARS the first time my life went sideways to be able to move fluidly between different realities. And I did that every few weeks/months, so I got well practiced at it. The second time, arguably, I still haven’t unf*cked myself 10 years later. But I also haven’t been bouncing back and forth, getting better -not each time, but over time- At adapting.

 

[Friday]

If there was good stuff, then it can't have been trauma. And if it was trauma, then there can't have been good stuff.

Primary cognitive distortions (negative thinking styles)

Cognitive distortion forms the backbone of PTSD. Whether you know it or not, all moods and behavioral patterns originate from your cognitions-- your thoughts. The first thing that happens is a thought, and then a mood or behavior occurs. When you allow an area of your life to become dominated...

www.myptsd.com

Pointedly…. This one:

1. All or nothing thinking -- You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

Also a little bit of:

8. Should statements -- You try to motivate yourself with "should" and "should not," as if you have to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything.

 

[Ecdysis]

Yeah, I "know". Logically, I realise it's cognitive distortions.

I'm not sure my system is ready to let go of them yet tho. They seem to be fulfilling some weird kind of emotionally protective function. The thought of letting go of them makes me want to puke up my breakfast.

Maybe I have to accept that "letting go of them" is the goal but that I need to invest a few more hours of therapy into the journey of getting there.

 

[Friday]

The thought of letting go of them makes me want to puke up my breakfast.

LMFAO… I know that one!!!

Flank it.

Instead of trying to let go? Add on.

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk @Ecdysis but it seems to me the memories with the greatest gravity or shock value seem to demand the most attention, and the more we replay them the more they consolidate with added fear, or anger or doubt or despair or shame , etc. Not to mention they are state dependent, and one leads on to remembering more of the same. But if I find myself confused for me it's time to stop, as more thinking won't get me out of it. Yes awareness, but.. variables that have nothing to do with me nor in my control may show me something in time.

I know it's the other thread but I read the other day the biggest narcissist is the inner critic or voice or belief(s) in our own head that lead to confusion, that tell us it is all for nothing, that shame or blame ourselves and others. Aka when we are distracted away from making choices that are simply healthy, having faith in them, and putting lies of shame away or blame of others in exchange for positives of focusing on healing, mutual support, kindness and moving forward with courage and love. Even lousy experiences have made you 'you', and the changes can be converted to positive ones (usually overlooked in ourselves). But when we find them in ourselves we also see such goodness and potential in others. Certainly there is grieving, and the past is over, but also hopefully a focus on hope and the possibility- even probability-that things can work out better now in the present and future. Something without as-yet-hidden-variables we may not have any way to envision. But the opposite of the narcissist-in-our-head is faith and doing, even small steps, without letting confusion pull us in to distraction or a downward spiral. JMHO of course.

Best wishes to you.