Hiding things from therapist

[Ecdysis]

Hi,

I have a relatively new therapist... We had 10 initial sessions spaced out over about a year, waiting until my health insurance covered more regular appointments.

Since January I've been seeing him fortnightly.

My old T retired and my old p-doc left his practice and went to work for a clinic.

So I've got a "new" treatment team at a time when I'm in crisis/ at my worst.

It's an unsettling experience for me.

These new treatment providers don't know my whole history and I'm not sure I'm up to providing it, atm.

My brain is also heavily compartmentalising things, I start dissociating at the drop of a hat, I'm in crisis-management mode, just dealing with one thing at a time.

So if I try to communicate how bad things really are, my brain just shuts down.

Additionally, I'm finding that my self-esteem is at an all time low - and I find myself instictually clinging to tiny positives, to give myself hope and some small sense of achievement/ salvage some fragments of self-esteem.

Because both the T and the p-doc are new, I'm also instinctively trying to make a half-decent impression... Like, seeming at least semi-reasonable, semi-sane, semi-reliable, semi-competent.

Which is a problem, because this deep in crisis, I'm actually none of those things, at all.

I need both T and p-doc to know how bad things really are, so they can help me with those things, but my brain keeps overriding it, refusing to be fully open.

I keep forcing myself to provide little chunks of information/ data that show a glimpse of "how bad things are" but each glimpse is tiny and it's a huge fight to provide it.

I'm still way off them both realising how bad things really are and I have no idea whether I'll actually get there.

The instinct to "hide how bad it really is" is just so overriding at the moment - a mixture of shame and survival instinct.

I'm going to try explaining this ^^ to both T and p-doc... If need be in writing, because I don't know if I can make my mouth spit out the actual words at an appt.

 

[Movingforward10]

Writing it down sounds a good idea.
Not sharing sounds like it won't help you.

Can you copy what you wrote above and email it in?

 

[KayW]

In your post here, you have explained clearly and reasonably. I think to write it down like this and hand pass it to your therapist could open up a conversation about how they can support you.

 

[Midnightmoon]

Thirding that writing it down sounds like a good idea

I completely get that desperate want of craving to be competent/ able/ reliable etc whilst inside you're falling apart. When my previous T decided they were done with me, it took me months and months to find someone new, citing I was 'too complex', in the end I just wanted to be 'normal enough' to someone to consider me.

Long story short, I wrote a brief blurb of what I was struggling with, it helped massively to find someone who could help

 

[beaneeboo]

I get alot of what you've written here @Ecdysis ... I recognise that absolute need to hide it all and put energy and effort into looking like it's all ok and you're half sane. Could have written that myself.

I also feel writing it out is a good idea. I've used this in session before and imo it's helped me save months of trying to get it out in free style convo which I've not been able to do ever...I had to deal with other aftermath situations like the dissociation and back lash after that (for me in a part's nasty messages to me)... but I wholly believe it was the quickest, easiest and best way for me over all..

Important bit is you have this idea to write. It's coming from you. So it feels to me like you already have that solution.

Could you do the next step and write something akin to what you've written here? Then just read and contemplate it a bit?

Your new team may have rules about sending info like that over email. Or may get you to read it out in the room.

 

[Ecdysis]

Thanks everyone.

Yeah, I'll send something in writing before the appt and then take a print out of stuff I can read to him in the appt.

I think I needed to write it here for the accountability and also to be like "Brain STFU with this hiding thing!! Therapy is not going to work like this!!"

My appt is on Wednesday next week, so I'll send something on Monday.

I used to be better at overriding my brain's impulse to hide stuff and forcing myself to say stuff in therapy, but it seems even that skill has gone AWOL atm...

 

[beaneeboo]

Thanks everyone.

Yeah, I'll send something in writing before the appt and then take a print out of stuff I can read to him in the appt.

I think I needed to write it here for the accountability and also to be like "Brain STFU with this hiding thing!! Therapy is not going to work like this!!"

My appt is on Wednesday next week, so I'll send something on Monday.

I used to be better at overriding my brain's impulse to hide stuff and forcing myself to say stuff in therapy, but it seems even that skill has gone AWOL atm...

It will come back the more you exercise that muscle... the first step was writing it out and sounding it out here... you've got this

 

[arfie]

easy does it, skin shedder. healing is a process, not an event. may i thank you again for adding the metaphor of a snake shedding its skin to my healing metaphor library? i live on a farm with a healthy bull snake population and the neighbors have discussed lynching for my love of the critters. my healthy pets keep invading their farms and they are downright biblical in their tolerance of these gentle, beneficial critters. i happen to like snakes and my recovery from child sex trafficking does feel allot like i imagine my wild pets go through each time they grow far enough to crack the old skin.

anyhoo. . .

I need both T and p-doc to know how bad things really are, so they can help me with those things, but my brain keeps overriding it, refusing to be fully open.

yes, this is necessary, but repeat on the process part. in half a century of recovery, my studies on how to be patient with this process have translated into a process by which i can deal with today's stresses and evolutions by which to live a productive life. not perfect, but serenely productive. at least, that's my prayer and i'm sticking to it.

I keep forcing myself to provide little chunks of information/ data that show a glimpse of "how bad things are" but each glimpse is tiny and it's a huge fight to provide it.

in my own skin shedding, learning to be gentle with myself has helped to make the process far more efficient and less painful. it's still not fun, but the quickest way out is straight on through. or, am i in denial --AGAIN! sigh. . . it seems like every day is a mixed bag, especially during ecdysis.

The instinct to "hide how bad it really is" is just so overriding at the moment - a mixture of shame and survival instinct.

trust your instinct, ecdysis. when your instinct tells you differently, continue trusting it. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.

 

[Freddyt]

The instinct to "hide how bad it really is" is just so overriding at the moment - a mixture of shame and survival instinct.

Shame is something that we often make up and bring on ourselves. I think in a way not being able to take care of ourselves is something that creates shame because its a basic thing - everyone does it right? NO IT'S NOT RIGHT!

We all need help from time to time. You have PTSD - you are a damaged person. Handicapped is not just missing a body part or having a physical disability. Some are things you can't see.

......and help is help. It's something you get and something you give......and we all need help at some point. So accept help. No shame in it. It's a hand up - not a hand out.