Who am I? - Reflecting on past emotions & identities

[Nameless90]

Currently I feel normal. I feel a bit depressed and empty, but nothing unmanageable.

I think about the past several years and realise how exaggerated I have behaved. Past issues are blown out of proportion, anger uncontrollable, fear to the point of shaking hands and panic attacks, crying, venting. Realisation of past issues and associated negative feelings.

It honestly doesn't feel like me. I think about it all and I refuse to accept it as me.

Has anyone else felt like this? What's going on? Feels like a storm has passed and I'm now picking up the pieces. Feels like I processed all my emotions in one horrendous continuous block, and now I'm done.

I feel done. It's hard to explain. I feel like I could never go through the same heightened emotions again whatever the situation may be. I will never be too angry, never too sad, never too scared.

 

[mszl]

It's basically how I feel right now. I've passed through post trauma symptoms then some self sabotage & re-traumatization. And now all is flat like my brain is too tired to process any intense emotions, good ones included.
I hope, with therapy, I'll be able to reconnect missing pieces of myself and live like a person.
The shitty part of all of that is that it's not us who did the damage but now we have to collect and glue the pieces.

 

[Nameless90]

It's basically how I feel right now. I've passed through post trauma symptoms then some self sabotage & re-traumatization. And now all is flat like my brain is too tired to process any intense emotions, good ones included.
I hope, with therapy, I'll be able to reconnect missing pieces of myself and live like a person.
The shitty part of all of that is that it's not us who did the damage but now we have to collect and glue the pieces.

Yes self sabotage. That is exactly it.
It feels unfair and so much time has passed. I wish you all the best with therapy.

 

[mszl]

Good luck on your journey as well!

 

[Friday]

I think about the past several years and realise how exaggerated I have behaved. Past issues are blown out of proportion, anger uncontrollable, fear to the point of shaking hands and panic attacks, crying, venting. Realisation of past issues and associated negative feelings.

It honestly doesn't feel like me. I think about it all and I refuse to accept it as me.

Regret is a real thing. Awareness that I can go there? Priceless.

Has anyone else felt like this? What's going on? Feels like a storm has passed and I'm now picking up the pieces. Feels like I processed all my emotions in one horrendous continuous block, and now I'm done.

Own it. That was YOU under XYZ & ABC conditions. That can happen… to anyone. Given those exact conditions. Attempting to distance yourself? Will just f*ck up your future & your empathy. EVERYONE goes sideways given the right ABC & XYZ. Everyone breaks. You? Did. That. But now? Either things are different; and you’ve either learned from the past, or you’re in denial & implacable & minimized.

Up to you.

 

[Nameless90]

Regret is a real thing. Awareness that I can go there? Priceless.


Own it. That was YOU under XYZ & ABC conditions. That can happen… to anyone. Given those exact conditions. Attempting to distance yourself? Will just f*ck up your future & your empathy. EVERYONE goes sideways given the right ABC & XYZ. Everyone breaks. You? Did. That. But now? Either things are different; and you’ve either learned from the past, or you’re in denial & implacable & minimized.

Up to you.

That's true. I have to own it. That's what I'm having trouble with. I don't want to own it. It was so extreme, unnecessary and embarrassing.

But I have learnt a lot, and I do feel better now than I did before I went through all of it.

Regret is a horrible thing.

 

[Friday]

Regret is a horrible thing.

It is.

Regret & Remorse.
Guilt & Shame.

The hardest things I know of, excepting Grief. Grief is the single most painful thing I know of, the most insanity driven. Regret, remorse, guilt, & shame can often be TANGLED UP in grief… but grief, pure and simple? Without any complicating factors? Still drives the list. You’re still alive. And so are there. So there is still opportunity.

 

[Nameless90]

It is very hard.

I am grieving both myself and a significant other. Its partly the reason why I feel so empty.
Every day it feels like a part of me is missing, has died, has disappeared.

The only thing I can tell myself to make me feel better is that there are worse situations out there. Putting things into perspective, I should be lucky for what I do have left in my life and cherish the opportunities that some people so desperately want. The fact of being alive, being healthy, being mobile, having family and friends, work.

 

[Friday]

The only thing I can tell myself to make me feel better is that there are worse situations out there.

I often cheer myself up in paediatric cancer wards. Helps me. Helps them. Win/Win.

 

[Nameless90]

Sorry I meant it more of a being grateful and cherishing what I do have as opposed to being happier because of someone's misfortune.