Relationship Strong feels

[southwest]

Sounds like

It's entirely possible for you to get over it. You having this belief that you won't, will hold you back from being able to.
What's stopping you from believing you can get over her and be happy.

I think because I never got over her the first time around. Now that we have had a deeper and longer connection I understand I'll never get over her. I know that I will never meet someone like her again. Like the whole idea of her being the one.

 

[Anon1]

I think because I never got over her the first time around. Now that we have had a deeper and longer connection I understand I'll never get over her. I know that I will never meet someone like her again. Like the whole idea of her being the one.

Sounds like you have two broad choices - either to persist in something which will only grow increasingly painful as you watch them embrace their opportunities, while you continue to let your own ones slide. Neglect yourself, and as the years go by you can watch yourself become increasingly resentful of them while you grow in regret for all of the chances not taken.
Or you can take ownership and responsibility, shoulder the burden, and live your life as the captain of your own circumstances.

If you can’t get over them, you’re not being a friend to them by pretending otherwise. You’re wanting something that they can’t give you.
And they’re not being a friend if they ask you to stay in a painful situation just for their convenience.
i know it’s probably more complicated than that, but it’s what it amounts to.

I know the pain of it, because I’ve been in a similar situation recently.

But whatever you do, please be deeply honest with yourself and them; take ownership, make choices to advocate for yourself, and go make the most of life now. Don’t wait, don’t hang around, go and meet someone. And even if they always hold a place in your heart, don’t act on that - make room for another, and believe that life can get better.
It can, but you have to take hold of it.

You’re worth more.
Don’t settle for less.

 

[Movingforward10]

what @Anon1 said.

From what you have shared, you've been more off than on in the relationship. And you have decided that because you like the idea this person is 'the one' (does that notion even exist?) That you will never love anyone again.
.take a step back from that.
If someone else said that to you, what would you say?

It's not a healthy place to be or a healthy belief to have. And it is a belief. And it is not a fact.

Do you have PTSD or other mental health difficulties? Because this black/white and rigid thinking lends itself to something.

 

[southwest]

Sounds like you have two broad choices - either to persist in something which will only grow increasingly painful as you watch them embrace their opportunities, while you continue to let your own ones slide. Neglect yourself, and as the years go by you can watch yourself become increasingly resentful of them while you grow in regret for all of the chances not taken.
Or you can take ownership and responsibility, shoulder the burden, and live your life as the captain of your own circumstances.

If you can’t get over them, you’re not being a friend to them by pretending otherwise. You’re wanting something that they can’t give you.
And they’re not being a friend if they ask you to stay in a painful situation just for their convenience.
i know it’s probably more complicated than that, but it’s what it amounts to.

I know the pain of it, because I’ve been in a similar situation recently.

But whatever you do, please be deeply honest with yourself and them; take ownership, make choices to advocate for yourself, and go make the most of life now. Don’t wait, don’t hang around, go and meet someone. And even if they always hold a place in your heart, don’t act on that - make room for another, and believe that life can get better.
It can, but you have to take hold of it.

You’re worth more.
Don’t settle for less.

I understand what your getting at and yeah it's not fair for me or them to stay friends.

The other part I truly believe that I will never meet someone else. My dating life has never been much of anything. As I got older I know understand that there is even less of a chance to find someone. So less of none is basically zero chance. I learned that the hard way during the two years we were apart. Thier wasn't anyone else that was interested in me. As much as I tried. Life kept reminding me my ex was the one. So now that I'm back in this spot I see that even more so. I definitely it was a different story and I could move on to someone else but that's not my luck.

what @Anon1 said.

From what you have shared, you've been more off than on in the relationship. And you have decided that because you like the idea this person is 'the one' (does that notion even exist?) That you will never love anyone again.
.take a step back from that.
If someone else said that to you, what would you say?

It's not a healthy place to be or a healthy belief to have. And it is a belief. And it is not a fact.

Do you have PTSD or other mental health difficulties? Because this black/white and rigid thinking lends itself to something.

No ptsd. Some depression here and there. It's a pretty hard fact for me my dating life has basically been zero besides my last partner. The two years we were apart I couldn't find anyone else that was interested and I definitely tried alot. So as I've gotten older it's just something I've come to understand that they were the one. Is it healthy no, but it is kinda the fact of my life unfortunately.

 

[Anon1]

I understand what your getting at and yeah it's not fair for me or them to stay friends.

The other part I truly believe that I will never meet someone else. My dating life has never been much of anything. As I got older I know understand that there is even less of a chance to find someone. So less of none is basically zero chance. I learned that the hard way during the two years we were apart. Thier wasn't anyone else that was interested in me. As much as I tried. Life kept reminding me my ex was the one. So now that I'm back in this spot I see that even more so. I definitely it was a different story and I could move on to someone else but that's not my luck.

I hear you, and I know it's hard :)

There are two separate points in this post though.
The first is that you found dating hard for two years.
The srcond is the conclusion you've drawn that 'life kept reminding me that she was the one'.
The first point is absolutely fair and reasonable, and it's kinda gut wrenching when dating is hard, and it sounds as though you feel sorta lonely in all of that.
But - and I say this respectfully - life hadn't shown you that she's the one.
Firstly, life isn't a person, and it can't willfully show you anything.
Second, if they *were* the one, they'd have stayed.
That is what 'the one' does - by definition.
'The one' will prioritise your relationship and fight for it every time there's a challenge. They won't leave that easy.
You're adding 2+2 and making 5 here.

Those two years of dating may have been hard, but you were in the game! And being in the game beats sitting on the sidelines every single time.

It sounds like you have some dating things to figure out, and maybe you need to speak with someone who can help you do that. It sounds like there are challenges to come to grips with.
But the answer is absolutely not to come back to the sidelines and sit watching while everyone else plays.

Take a moment if you need it, be sad for a while if helps (*if* it helps), acknowledge the pain... then stand up and get yourself right back out there.
The sooner you do, the sooner you can work on your dating stuff and solve some of those problems you were having.
Whatever happens, at least get yourself back in the game.
You'll thank yourself later, and that's much *much* better than the 'years of regret" option.

 

[southwest]

I hear you, and I know it's hard :)

There are two separate points in this post though.
The first is that you found dating hard for two years.
The srcond is the conclusion you've drawn that 'life kept reminding me that she was the one'.
The first point is absolutely fair and reasonable, and it's kinda gut wrenching when dating is hard, and it sounds as though you feel sorta lonely in all of that.
But - and I say this respectfully - life hadn't shown you that she's the one.
Firstly, life isn't a person, and it can't willfully show you anything.
Second, if they *were* the one, they'd have stayed.
That is what 'the one' does - by definition.
'The one' will prioritise your relationship and fight for it every time there's a challenge. They won't leave that easy.
You're adding 2+2 and making 5 here.

Those two years of dating may have been hard, but you were in the game! And being in the game beats sitting on the sidelines every single time.

It sounds like you have some dating things to figure out, and maybe you need to speak with someone who can help you do that. It sounds like there are challenges to come to grips with.
But the answer is absolutely not to come back to the sidelines and sit watching while everyone else plays.

Take a moment if you need it, be sad for a while if helps (*if* it helps), acknowledge the pain... then stand up and get yourself right back out there.
The sooner you do, the sooner you can work on your dating stuff and solve some of those problems you were having.
Whatever happens, at least get yourself back in the game.
You'll thank yourself later, and that's much *much* better than the 'years of regret" option.

Thanks for the the thoughtful response.

Life definitely can willfully show you something. If life keeps giving you the same result as you try different things to help work on your situation it's showing you. I would also disagree being in the game of dating and always being on the losing end is not fun. I've watched friends find love and relationships by not changing at all.

It's not just the two years the majority of my twenties and now my thirties has been horrible for dating. It's something I've accepted. That's why I see her as the one. Life sent me this person that I had been dreaming for years. Unfortunately it fell apart.

 

[Ecdysis]

this person that I had been dreaming for years. Unfortunately it fell apart.

As some one who has PTSD and has also had several partners with PTSD, I see this a bit differently.

Many of us with trauma end up kind of "fractured". We split off our trauma and keep it hidden. Often, when we're subjected to abuse, for example, we're taught to keep that stuff hidden and secret. Even if not, a lot of trauma, like sexual trauma involves shame and so you keep that stuff secret from the people around you.

So, many of us develop this sort of "public face" which is nice, kind, all the good things.

And in the background, there's this other stuff going on... where we're battling our demons... stuff that people generally don't get to see - things like depression, anxiety, addiction, suicidalness, isolating, etc.

But in long-term relationships, that stuff is something we can only hide for so long.

So, to an onlooker, someone with PTSD may seem "wonderful" or "idealised" initially, because all the painful, difficult stuff is hidden away.

For an onlooker, it comes as a surprise, when "things turn bad" for "apparently no reason at all" and they grieve the person they THOUGHT they lost, that they THOUGHT they "knew" initially.

But if you look at it from the inside, the person with trauma was always the same person all along - carrying massive, heavy, difficult baggage and keeping up a polite/ nice front for society and getting positive feedback from people for keeping that divide in place.

I've personally fallen into this trap with a partner too. I still grieve the person I "thought he was". It's like a drug addiction. I'm missing and craving someone who never existed at all. It was a mirage. But at the time, that's who I experienced him being (all the good stuff) and my brain can't seem to process or truly grasp that, well, it was basically all an illusion.

If you think about it, any person who is real is not "perfect" or "idealised" and this version of her turned out not to be real.

I understand the confusion and the compulsion to try and "get back" to that time when things seemed good (too good to be true?). That stuff taps into some pretty deep stuff in our own psyche.

I think you're holding on to a mirage tho and you'll likely end up happier if you work your way through it and try to meet someone new.

 

[southwest]

As some one who has PTSD and has also had several partners with PTSD, I see this a bit differently.

Many of us with trauma end up kind of "fractured". We split off our trauma and keep it hidden. Often, when we're subjected to abuse, for example, we're taught to keep that stuff hidden and secret. Even if not, a lot of trauma, like sexual trauma involves shame and so you keep that stuff secret from the people around you.

So, many of us develop this sort of "public face" which is nice, kind, all the good things.

And in the background, there's this other stuff going on... where we're battling our demons... stuff that people generally don't get to see - things like depression, anxiety, addiction, suicidalness, isolating, etc.

But in long-term relationships, that stuff is something we can only hide for so long.

So, to an onlooker, someone with PTSD may seem "wonderful" or "idealised" initially, because all the painful, difficult stuff is hidden away.

For an onlooker, it comes as a surprise, when "things turn bad" for "apparently no reason at all" and they grieve the person they THOUGHT they lost, that they THOUGHT they "knew" initially.

But if you look at it from the inside, the person with trauma was always the same person all along - carrying massive, heavy, difficult baggage and keeping up a polite/ nice front for society and getting positive feedback from people for keeping that divide in place.

I've personally fallen into this trap with a partner too. I still grieve the person I "thought he was". It's like a drug addiction. I'm missing and craving someone who never existed at all. It was a mirage. But at the time, that's who I experienced him being (all the good stuff) and my brain can't seem to process or truly grasp that, well, it was basically all an illusion.

If you think about it, any person who is real is not "perfect" or "idealised" and this version of her turned out not to be real.

I understand the confusion and the compulsion to try and "get back" to that time when things seemed good (too good to be true?). That stuff taps into some pretty deep stuff in our own psyche.

I think you're holding on to a mirage tho and you'll likely end up happier if you work your way through it and try to meet someone new.

I get what your getting at. I didn't think they were perfect by any means and knew that thier battle with trauma would not be easy. Even when they were in thier lowest I still loved them for who they were no matter what.

Again even in those dark moments. They were the person I had been dreaming for a very long time. Unfortunately the majority of my dating life has been very very bad. I unfortunately just don't click with the vast majority of people. So yeah meeting someone new most likely won't happen.

 

[Anon1]

Thanks for the the thoughtful response.

Life definitely can willfully show you something. If life keeps giving you the same result as you try different things to help work on your situation it's showing you. I would also disagree being in the game of dating and always being on the losing end is not fun. I've watched friends find love and relationships by not changing at all.

It's not just the two years the majority of my twenties and now my thirties has been horrible for dating. It's something I've accepted. That's why I see her as the one. Life sent me this person that I had been dreaming for years. Unfortunately it fell apart.

Well, I won't debate too much - because I don't want it to feel like I'm trying to push you into something that you don't agree with.
I don't agree with what you've written in these posts, but only because it sounds as though you've temporarily lost hope for certain good things, and I feel hope for you.
If you disagree, that's okay.
But I hope that either now - or in time - you're able to look forward from this person and meet someone who's a great fit for you (if that's what you'd like to do).
I think they're out there, but in the end you need to live your life in the way that seems right to you! :)
I'm sorry for the pain of the last few years though, it sounds really hard.
Here's to a better time ahead!

As some one who has PTSD and has also had several partners with PTSD, I see this a bit differently.

Many of us with trauma end up kind of "fractured". We split off our trauma and keep it hidden. Often, when we're subjected to abuse, for example, we're taught to keep that stuff hidden and secret. Even if not, a lot of trauma, like sexual trauma involves shame and so you keep that stuff secret from the people around you.

So, many of us develop this sort of "public face" which is nice, kind, all the good things.

And in the background, there's this other stuff going on... where we're battling our demons... stuff that people generally don't get to see - things like depression, anxiety, addiction, suicidalness, isolating, etc.

But in long-term relationships, that stuff is something we can only hide for so long.

So, to an onlooker, someone with PTSD may seem "wonderful" or "idealised" initially, because all the painful, difficult stuff is hidden away.

For an onlooker, it comes as a surprise, when "things turn bad" for "apparently no reason at all" and they grieve the person they THOUGHT they lost, that they THOUGHT they "knew" initially.

But if you look at it from the inside, the person with trauma was always the same person all along - carrying massive, heavy, difficult baggage and keeping up a polite/ nice front for society and getting positive feedback from people for keeping that divide in place.

I've personally fallen into this trap with a partner too. I still grieve the person I "thought he was". It's like a drug addiction. I'm missing and craving someone who never existed at all. It was a mirage. But at the time, that's who I experienced him being (all the good stuff) and my brain can't seem to process or truly grasp that, well, it was basically all an illusion.

If you think about it, any person who is real is not "perfect" or "idealised" and this version of her turned out not to be real.

I understand the confusion and the compulsion to try and "get back" to that time when things seemed good (too good to be true?). That stuff taps into some pretty deep stuff in our own psyche.

I think you're holding on to a mirage tho and you'll likely end up happier if you work your way through it and try to meet someone new.

Reading this helped me in my own situation today!

 

[southwest]

Well, I won't debate too much - because I don't want it to feel like I'm trying to push you into something that you don't agree with.
I don't agree with what you've written in these posts, but only because it sounds as though you've temporarily lost hope for certain good things, and I feel hope for you.
If you disagree, that's okay.
But I hope that either now - or in time - you're able to look forward from this person and meet someone who's a great fit for you (if that's what you'd like to do).
I think they're out there, but in the end you need to live your life in the way that seems right to you! :)
I'm sorry for the pain of the last few years though, it sounds really hard.
Here's to a better time ahead!



Reading this helped me in my own situation today!

I appreciate your response and I don't feel like you are pushing me at all. Do I wish thier was another good fit for me yes. However knowing my past and understanding my future won't be much different has me down. I understand I will probably never meet someone again. I've sat on the sidelines and will continue to know that's my place

 

[nursenurse]

Aye, and here is the rub. There is no guarantee that the perfect one is out there. It certainly isnt the one that just left you behind. You want someone who is uplifting. But that person has to be you for yourself before anyone else can be the “one” for you. This is early in the game since this recent relationship, you get to grieve, be angry, feel sorry for yourself, ask “why me”, etc. all part of the process. But then you have to see yourself as someone worthy of good things, just for yourself. Find joy for you in your solitude so that you can be happy whether or not the “one” is with you. A partner to share is a bonus, but not a requirement in life, especially if it is the wrong person. The cartoonist Jim Unger of Herman fame once wrote : All the happiness in the world is between your own two ears. Take time to process then get out of your personal Dodge and make your life. I know it isn’t easy, been there, done that, but life does’t have to have you feeling like Eeyore all the time. Counselling/therapy can help determine why you feel the way you do, and why the pattern of doomed dating. Wishing you all the best in your journey.

 

[Ecdysis]

knowing my past and understanding my future won't be much different

Hmm... this is kind of the definition of self-defeat, isn't it? Aren't you attempting to GROW in life? To TRANSCEND stuff and attain new insights? To get to know yourself, others and life on a deeper level?

Do you know that quote about insanity being when you keep repeating the same stuff but expecting a different outcome? If you want a different outcome, you gotta start doing different things.

Editing to add the following quote: "Finding happiness within yourself is profoundly difficult. Finding it anywhere else, however, is impossible."