Relationship Let's be honest...

[Heisenberg]

My now ex-partner has suffered with CPTSD for so many years now. I eventually left the relationship because I realized that I was just her punch bag. I had no more emotional strength for her outbursts or her rants; no more love for the person who just saw me as a target for her anger, and no more space for her nastiness in my life.

I read so many similar stories from so many sad, confused and hurt husbands, wives and partners of people with PTSD on this message board that I can come to only one conclusion, and it is a sad one...

Get out! Get out while there is still enough left of you to rebuild! The person you love will not change! The person you love is abusing you! Your love for them is not healthy, not helpful and above all, not being returned!

Please, please see things as they really are my friends. You deserve so much better

 

[Weemie]

The person you love will not change!

PTSD is incurable, yes. But no person is unendingly static. Even PTSD itself is not static, and often goes into cycles of remission.

The person you love is abusing you!

PTSD is not a guarantee of abusive behaviors. Just because you were abused, doesn't mean every supporter on here is a victim of abuse.

Your love for them is not healthy

There is no reason to make a grand sweeping statement like this. Your relationship does not represent every relationship, and it's irrational to act like your experiences are universal. It's plenty possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who manages their PTSD well. It's unfortunate that your partner did not, but this isn't a useful statement.

 

[Heisenberg]

PTSD is incurable, yes. But no person is unendingly static. Even PTSD itself is not static, and often goes into cycles of remission.

PTSD is not a guarantee of abusive behaviors. Just because you were abused, doesn't mean every supporter on here is a victim of abuse.

There is no reason to make a grand sweeping statement like this. Your relationship does not represent every relationship, and it's irrational to act like your experiences are universal. It's plenty possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who manages their PTSD well. It's unfortunate that your partner did not, but this isn't a useful statement

PTSD is incurable, yes. But no person is unendingly static. Even PTSD itself is not static, and often goes into cycles of remission.

PTSD is not a guarantee of abusive behaviors. Just because you were abused, doesn't mean every supporter on here is a victim of abuse.

There is no reason to make a grand sweeping statement like this. Your relationship does not represent every relationship, and it's irrational to act like your experiences are universal. It's plenty possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who manages their PTSD well. It's unfortunate that your partner did not, but this isn't a useful statement.

I wouldn't suggest it is a grand or sweeping statement, merely an observation. Neither am I suggesting that my experiences are universal. How can they be? They are mine. I also haven't said every supporter is a victim of abuse. That being out of the way, it is clear from having read the many threads which share the same theme that it begs two questions.

1) Does being in a relationship make it acceptable behavior? The "Would I tolerate such behavior from a stranger" exercise is pertinent here.

2) Is the relationship on equal terms? If one side is continually giving more than the other then the relationship is unsustainable at best and unhealthy at worst.

Look at the language used in the posts. People are sad. People are confused. People are hurt. Are we not in danger of encouraging those in an abusive relationship to remain?

Yes it is possible to have a relationship with someone who manages their PTSD well. It is possible to do all sorts of things, but is it healthy? Yes, PTSD can be well managed but the experiences shared by many, many partners here demonstrate that relationships with the badly managed sufferers are where the problems are. It is not enough for a relationship to be just possible; it must be loving, equal, understanding, kind and above all healthy.

That is simply not the case with the many of the very sad and hurt supporters whose experiences are shared here.

There is a time to love and there is a time to leave...

 

[Weemie]

I also haven't said every supporter is a victim of abuse.

Your thread urging every supporter to "get out, because they're being abused," you mean?

Does being in a relationship make it acceptable behavior?

What behavior? Abuse? No. PTSD on its own isn't inherently abusive, though.

If one side is continually giving more than the other then the relationship is unsustainable at best and unhealthy at worst.

The implication being that people with PTSD cannot participate in equal relationships, which is simply not accurate.

It is possible to do all sorts of things, but is it healthy?

Is it healthy to be in a relationship with someone who manages their mental illness well? Why wouldn't it be healthy? Them managing it well specifically precludes everything you've mentioned, here.

And this goes from implying to overt - your claim is that no one with PTSD, even if they manage it well, can have healthy or happy relationships with other people. This is not true, and I guarantee you could not find a single scientific resource to back up this statement.

People are sad. People are confused. People are hurt

Some people are. Some people aren't. This is a generalization based on the posts you've personally encountered. Posts you are more likely to encounter by people in unhealthy relationships with those who don't manage their symptoms well -- because most people don't get online looking for help until there's a problem.

Joining a forum to broadcast hey! Everything's fine! is kinda, y'know, yippee for you. Point is, you can only speak for yourself and your relationships. This post is going far beyond that singular expertise and making wild, unsubstantiated claims about all PTSD relationships.

 

[Anon1]

One thing that's helped me is to speak to a distant friend of mine who has CPTSD/BPD just like my ex did.

She contacted me about something the other day and I gently asked if she'd mind if I asked some questions.

The way her and her fiance handle things sounds amazing. Her fiances family even have full permission to challenge her thinking/behaviour if needed.

I don't think my ex would've even realised the need for this sort of arrangement, and I think she'd have vehemently rejected the idea.

It's sooo interesting to speak to different people with similar diagnoses, and enlightening to see how... a bad experience with one person doesn't equate to every situation.

It's actually really encouraging - it means that if I was treated badly, it's either because their mental health just wasn't right at the moment, or because they're not that nice as a person.

(And yes, it's about me too - but not necessarily to the degree that 'I messed it all up, solely because I'm an idiot')

The 'let's be honest' thread title is good though - because it's very tempting to lie to oneself about things like this, if it isn't working.

How are YOU doing Heisenberg?

Sounds like you might be hurting at the moment.

Hope all's good!

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm sorry you were in an abusive relationship and glad you got out of it. A lot of the people on here often conflate abusive behaviours with PTSD.

I'm about to celebrate 20, healthy and happy, years with my partner. So .....

Get out! Get out while there is still enough left of you to rebuild! The person you love will not change! The person you love is abusing you! Your love for them is not healthy, not helpful and above all, not being returned!

Please, please see things as they really are my friends. You deserve so much better

You left an abusive relationship and this is good advice for leaving an abuser.
Putting PTSD into the category of not being able to act without abuse and not being able to be in a nonabsuing relationship, is misguided at best and offensive at worst.

 

[Sweetpea76]

MOD NOTE: Sufferers, keep in mind this is the supporter section. This area is for supporters to express opinions, ask advice and seek some support of their own.

People are allowed to express an opinion and/or vent. If you find that opinion upsetting then this is not the post for you.

 

[LuckiLee]

Remember guys, this is the supporters thread.

If I wasn't high-school sweethearts with my J, all those years ago??? I wouldn't have stuck around through all the horrible dysfunction in the early years after we reconnected. If I hadn't had that history with him, I'm pretty sure I would have moved on.

But, I also saw him work incredibly hard to get his life back so I decided to work with him. I'll admit the early days we're abusive. Verbally. Today, we have a beautiful life together. A beautiful PTSD life. We learned what works for us and what doesn't. It isn't easy as a matter of fact it is incredibly hard. I'm at the V.A. with him as we speak. Being a supporter AND significant other can sometimes suck! It's taken a toll on my mental health at times. My relationships have suffered. I had to learn to take care of myself again.

I'm sorry for the things that brought you here. Time to take care of You.

Good luck!!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Also, keep in mind supporters don’t seek out the forum because they’re happy, they seek it out because they’re in a bad place.

I can say that PTSD is a selfish disorder, and it is definitely a struggle to have a healthy relationship with PTSD in the mix. Is it possible? Yes. Is it happy and easy? No. It’s very hard, and there is definitely an imbalance a lot of the time. That is not OK with a lot of people, and that is fine. You don’t have to exhaust yourself or put up with abuse in any relationship. Do what is best for yourself.

 

[LuckiLee]

Of all the supporters who have come and gone through the years on this forum?? Only a handful are still here. Most ptsd relationships don't survive.

 

[Friday]

There are a few symptoms that most people without PTSD take issue with, as well as people with PTSD, often take issue with, dating -or loving- someone with PTSD creates common denominators. As PTSD often/usually includes; ABCDEFG. Abuse? Is. Not. One. Of. Them.

If your ex had PTSD AND was abusive? I’m so sorry. That does happen. Often, even. Especially with childhood abuse, as that tends to format the blueprint for future relationships. Also? As abuse often begets abuse. But abuse? Is not a symptom of PTSD.

Regardless of what the trends are? (Like most people with PTSD are not abusive) .. if you’re dealing with someone with PTSD who IS abusive? That’s very, very, real. Even if it’s not the norm. It’s you, and your life, which is real. It’s “just” not the PTSD, “but” them. Themselves. Which you can see, feel, as you’re living it. Yes. PTSD is a part of them, but so is the abuse & replicating that. Like being vegan. Or xyz political profile. The two things can, and often do, co-exist. But they’re correlational instead of causal.

I married a psychopath because I ignored the depth to which childhood trauma can affect a person. He was different than aaaanyone I’d ever met. (And I HAVE ptsd & knew countless people from my own brand of crazy). And I believed hallmark. That different is “good”. So I’m not saying this unscathed. You. Were. Hurt. Badly. By this person. PTSD? Ain’t why. He, himself, was why.

 

[Weemie]

But abuse? Is not a symptom of PTSD.

This is my main point. A lot of mentally ill people who don't manage their illness can be abusive and unhealthy. But scaremongering about how every single PTSD relationship is doomed to failure and abuse isn't a rational response to this.

Especially under a title like "well, let's be honest, they're all selfish abusive assholes, get out now!" In my experience most people who employ brutal honesty enjoy the brutality more than the honesty. I'm not upset or offended, even though this is all wildly stigmatizing and offensive lmao. It's just not an accurate statement.

The difference with @LuckiLee is you're speaking from your own perspective only, your relationship only. Acknowledging that untreated PTSD can facilitate abusive behaviors (which certainly is often true) without unilaterally decrying that people with PTSD are incapable of equal partnerships.

At some point we have to acknowledge what is useful and what is damaging. Take what helps you and leave the rest shouldn't mean we aren't permitted to question harmful perspectives. And this stuff isn't just denigrating to PTSD, it's also a cognitive distortion that has the potential to backfire on OP as well.

Black and white, all or nothing, etc.