Hug etiquette

[Rose White]

Wanting a hug vs wanting to give a hug—are they essentially the same?

In general, what do you say…

Can I have a hug? (Needy, vulnerable, blech—but honest)

Can I give you a hug? (Position of power, but not truthful if it’s me who wants a hug right?). This is like what I would say if a co-worker was crying but that’s not really what I’m talking about here. Sometimes people say, “Can I give you a hug,” to me when I’m not crying or upset at all and I think it’s because they want a hug but they say that.

Can we hug? (Too intimate but kind of seems like it makes it equal?)

My problem is that my mom overly hugs me and I always hug her when she wants to but it’s all the time and I am projecting her onto me. (Is that projection when you think you are being like someone else and then despise yourself for that?)

Anyway… not a fun topic for me but appreciate your perspective. Don’t mind the non-huggers popping in, I get it and it’s fine if you want to share your opinion.

Also, I totally get that it’s a nuanced thing, case by case, but I’m just thinking in general, if you can.

 

[PlainJane]

Can I give you a hug? (Position of power, but not truthful if it’s me who wants a hug right?)

I do not think this is misleading. I think this is asking for what you want while asking a person permission to be touched.

I am not a hugger but I have people that love to and this is what they ask me when they want one but also want to respect my space.

 

[Rose White]

Oh good to know—thanks @PlainJane !

 

[Shaylee]

Can I have a hug?

I am not a hugger. I do however ask if desperate but only from an extremely small set of people.

Can I give you a hug?

Most people who know me, know I am not and most will ask (my children make it very evident they could give a shit less about my space but I suppose they are more entitled than anyone else ) I know I really either hate it or am extremely uncomfortable and/or annoyed when those unexpected hugs happen. Especially from people I don’t know all that well.

But even my neighbor (who I adore) gives me random hugs and I always wonder why and even after 3 years I am still uncomfortable with it. Thankfully she doesn’t do it often. I would most definitely prefer to be asked in any way or form. When I am not I kind of feel like somehow they think I need one and I wonder what I am doing to make them think I do and I get very flustered.

 

[Tinyflame]

I never thought much about it, as they are spontaneous and convey what (my) words don't. But for most people I would ask if it's ok for them, nothing to do with power or want. Even virtual hugs, I am not sure? But yes it's usually for me to share grief or joy or support or gratitude, to say hello after separation or to say goodbye, sometimes to make up after an argument, definitely times when there are no words. If I needed one I'd never ask. At least twice in my life when I most needed them I was given it without asking. The worst time post trauma they wouldn't let me go in a bear hug, but only recently I finally realized why. I think if a hug seems forced to give or accept it's uncomfortable for both, but the other time I felt pretty gross and self-rejecting so I guess I needed it.

I think it's (hopefully) a place of safety or security and fondness or appreciation, perhaps gratitude that no one knows what the future holds. The same reason you see lots at the airport.

I don't think you are your mother.

 

[Rose White]

Thank you, interesting perspective @Tinyflame . I guess the spontaneity adds intimacy? Not overthinking it? Could you share why

If I needed one I'd never ask.

Is that because it would feel forced? It sounds like you are grateful when they are given to you, and at times you feel no problem to give them, but somehow it feels inappropriate for you to ask for one (or ask to give someone one, which I guess seems to be the same thing.)

 

[Tinyflame]

No I have no problem giving them, I do every day usually for someone (at work etc), usually to console them. It's still spontaneous to the situation. Someone (a relative stranger) asked me a week or 2 ago and I knew it seemed to be in gratitude.

I wouldn't call any hug intimate, I'd call it trusting. Same that I wouldn't say I'm grateful for them, more so grateful for the person caring or sharing with me, grateful for the quality and safety of the relationship.

I wouldn't ask because I wouldn't ask for help or support. If I had to ask for just myself that would be counter-indicated, if someone wants to give me a hug they'd say so or do so, if they don't I don't want one. So not inappropriate as much as it wouldn't even cross my mind. That's just not me and never will be. I likely wouldn't speak up if I had an axe in my head, nevermind haha.

 

[Shaylee]

I wouldn't call any hug intimate, I'd call it trusting.

Huh, I hadn’t thought about it this way, probably explains a bit why I don’t like them except from certain peeps.

 

[Movingforward10]

I agree with @Tinyflame . Hugs seems to just come out naturally through a relationship that that's built up and the situation that has arisen. For example, I was talking to a work colleague who I've become friendly with. We were sharing concerns about something and I said "I am glad we had this conversation because I have been holding it in" and she responded by opening her arms and gave me a hug. It was just a natural flow and felt kind and appropriate.

I don't ask to give a hug and I don't ask for a hug. People seem to pick it up.

I'm not much of a "toucher'. It takes me a long time to feel comfortable with hugging someone. Just because it indicates a level of relationship and I don't let everyone have that level of relationship. I agree with @Tinyflame that it's not so much intimacy but trust.

My problem is that my mom overly hugs me and I always hug her when she wants to but it’s all the time and I am projecting her onto me. (Is that projection when you think you are being like someone else and then despise yourself for that?)

Omg I get this so much. I experience my mum like this. And for me it's suffocating. I've spoken before about how I feel she takes ownership of my body. That I have no autonomy with her. That she thinks she can touch me any and all the time. And I then get the self loathing because of it. So I think it's more triggering than projection? Idk. It's 'something' anyway. When she hugs me hi and bye and wants hugs in-between, I stiffen, it isn't a natural flow and it doesn't feel appropriate. It makes me shut down.

 

[Rose White]

When she hugs me hi and bye and wants hugs in-between, I stiffen, it isn't a natural flow and it doesn't feel appropriate. It makes me shut down.

I feel this.

Hugs seems to just come out naturally through a relationship that that's built up and the situation that has arisen.

But not this. I am very aware of my body and the bubble around it at all times and I want to be very respectful of others’ body bubbles, so I don’t feel anything natural about hugging. I like it okay, but I don’t feel that it just happens. And since my mom presses the issue so much (and the I-love-you’s) I just want to forget it, but then it becomes an issue. I think that’s what I don’t like the most—the fact that I DO notice it so much. I keep thinking, “Don’t be Mom, don’t be Mom.” And that makes me think that the most caring polite thing is to not hug! And when I say “love you” to my kids now I feel like I’m being needy.

Am in a bit of a swirl. Need to figure out how to untie this.

Remembering how I used to not hug my kids and I think it was related to this. Dang, I did not realize this query would peel back so many layers but here we are.

 

[Movingforward10]

“Don’t be Mom, don’t be Mom

It took me a lot of work to understand my 'wholeness' as a person and separateness from my mum. I had the whole "my body is identical to her body" thing. Which made me hate my body and caused me a lot of distress.
It's unpicking the fleas of the emotional abuse, emeshment, and all the 'stuff' that you were brought up with. It's really hard.
Counter messages to your message of not being mum. Changing it a bit to "I am me" "I am unique". Taking mum out of it entirely? Because you are you and not her.

And when I say “love you” to my kids now I feel like I’m being needy.

Again, any counter messages to this?telling someone you love them, because you are feeling it in that moment and the moment is calling for that expression of love and care , is not needy. It's showing love and picking up that interpersonal relationship and responding to the moment.
You telling your children you love them, isn't you being needy. It might have been your mum being needy because she wanted something from you when she expressed it, rather than it giving you something.

Am in a bit of a swirl. Need to figure out how to untie this.

It's understandable it is a swirl. And whilst swirls are soooo uncomfortable, they are signs of chipping away at old things and healing from them .
It's also understandable this is coming up now because you are going to be spending time with her. It might be a really great opportunity to practice a new way of being. Of saying no to hugs. (I still have never been able to say to my mum "don't touch me", despite my T encouraging me to and me practising that with T so many times. I hope I can say those three tiny little words at some point.).

 

[Rose White]

Thank you @Movingforward10 . My brain won’t let me read your words now—big “curtain of fog” in front of me (thank you Confuser part). But I know it’s here, and I know it’s truthful, so I will hold onto that for now and return later.