Relationship Am I giving too much space or too little? Struggling with partner's abandonment patterns.

[Notgoodatnames]

Coming back to this thread with a new question, but I think it's still within the parameters of "how much space to give?" And also about trust.

Because of trust, I feel anxious about sharing too many details, but basically I helped navigate the paperwork for him when he bought his first property last year. This was a huge achievement and I'm so proud of him. I was happy to help, as it made me feel involved and important in his life. Not long after moving in there were some problems with the insurance due to the work that needed to be done and they cancelled the policy. He said he would deal with it on his own.

For the past 9 months he's not been super forthcoming on updates. I ask from time to time, but haven't pushed, because I don't want him to feel like I'm getting too up in his face. He tends to get anxious and say things like "this is my stuff" or "my problem" or "my personal life". I try hard not to find this hurtful. It makes me feel like I am not part of his personal life. He's told me in the past that he tends not to share his problems because in his experience, best case the person it is shared with does nothing, and worst case they use it against him. Even though he also told me that he knows that that is not me, he often doesn't feel safe to share.

I found out last week that he never managed to get another policy so there has been a lapse in coverage of almost a year, which has all kinds of horrible financial implications. I've been researching the situation and trying to find a new policy, but I feel horrible because I had no idea this was happening, and I'm not even sure he understands what a bad situation this is. Obviously there is nothing I could have done because I didn't know, and also he is an adult and it's his life, and his choices to make. He is accepting my help now, but I'm realizing, I think more than I did before, that while for most people having a partner that supports them and helps them would be seen as a good thing, I think for him it is maybe actually quite threatening?

On some level I get this, because I had some experience of being left by a parent as a child, although nowhere near the level of what he went through, and I can see that it is dangerous to be helped by someone, because what if you rely on them and then they are not there? On the other hand I think that makes me anxious to give what I didn't always receive, which is being there for him and being 100% reliable.

It feels like an impossible situation - the insurance situation causes a lot of anxiety, and the help may be causing a lot of anxiety, and that even if he's accepting the help right now because he's desperate, he might, in a way end up holding it against me, or cause him to need to push me back out to a safer distance again. At the same time I can't do nothing, a) because I love him and it goes against my nature and b) because I'd be proving the part about the people that know your trouble but do nothing anyway.

Maybe like all of this, it's not about doing anything, but more about being able to understand and hold these contradictions in my heart, so that when he does pull away again I can not be so hurt by it.

 

[Nairobi]

Hello @Notgoodatnames
I dont know very much about PTSD and I am here to learn, but can I share with you my experience with my friend with PTSD

He tends to get anxious and say things like "this is my stuff" or "my problem" or "my personal life". I try hard not to find this hurtful. It makes me feel like I am not part of his personal life.

I also feel like this. I am suppossed to be the best and closest friend (I say "suppossed", because when he is able to speak and joke with other friends but not with me, I feel "the last" friend), but he is able to share with me only very little about his problems and personal life. When I say to him that I am hurt because of that, he says that I am the person with whom he shares the most, and that he shares nothing about his problems with his other friends (and I think is true)

It feels like an impossible situation - the insurance situation causes a lot of anxiety, and the help may be causing a lot of anxiety, and that even if he's accepting the help right now because he's desperate, he might, in a way end up holding it against me, or cause him to need to push me back out to a safer distance again. At the same time I can't do nothing, a) because I love him and it goes against my nature and b) because I'd be proving the part about the people that know your trouble but do nothing anyway.

I understand what you mean. When my friend had a big problem im his life, I invited him to come to my house. Because of that, he is not a homeless and he has the opportunity to have a normal life until he can find a new job. But living with him is very difficult because of the isolation periods and because he can not be close to me like before, and push me away. So sometimes I feel that helping him has "saved" my friend about bigger problems, but is destroying our friendship

Maybe like all of this, it's not about doing anything, but more about being able to understand and hold these contradictions in my heart, so that when he does pull away again I can not be so hurt by it.

I completely agree. The most I read and learn here, the most I understand him. That does not change his need for isolation, but I dont feel so bad about it, I dont take it so personally, I am less stressfull and overreactive, he has less pressure about me, the isolation is shorter, and everything goes better, without "doing" anything

 

[scout86]

say things like "this is stuff" or "my problem" or "my personal life". I try hard not to find this hurtful.

Coming from the other side of the fence, I guess, it never would have occurred to me that telling someone that something was "my problem" would be hurtful. From my own perspective, I'm trying to relieve their anxiety by telling them the situation isn't something they need to concern themselves with. If they continue to let me know they're worried, I'd take that as a sign that they don't think I'm capable of handling things myself. They might be right, but I'm still not going to like it much. At least not unless I'm at a point where I've accepted that I can't handle it myself.

There are more things to consider when it comes to accepting "help". You're right, there's the whole "what if I depend on them and then they bail on me" thing. Personally, that' not a huge big deal. It's happened often enough that I usually have a Plan B in mind just in case someone doesn't keep a promise. Another thing to consider about "help" is "What is it going to cost me?" In my experience, if someone wants to "help" there's usually something in it for them and it's good to know what that is, so I can decide whether or not I can pay the price.

I'm not saying he sees things the same way I do, or that either of us would be seeing things accurately. I mostly wanted to suggest that the two of you might be looking at things more differently than either of you realize.

 

[Notgoodatnames]

I'm not saying he sees things the same way I do, or that either of us would be seeing things accurately. I mostly wanted to suggest that the two of you might be looking at things more differently than either of you realize.

Thank you!!! I think that is probably quite close to the truth. It's good intentions all around! I end up feeling like a horrible partner because he's been struggling with something that I didn't know about and didn't help with, but not involving me could well be his way of looking after me.

I did read something recently too that I've been thinking about a lot, which was someone commenting that "help" was the more acceptable flip-side of "control". Not necessarily in an evil way - I've realized that I spend a lot of time thinking about the people I love and trying to anticipate all the obstacles in their way before they happen because I only want good things for them - but also realizing that it would drive me absolutely crazy if someone was doing that to me.

If they continue to let me know they're worried, I'd take that as a sign that they don't think I'm capable of handling things myself

I think that might also be true in his case - I know my teenage son has accused me of as much! For what it's worth, I don't think that, I just think that life is often too much to handle alone and sharing the burden makes it easier, and if the life admin is easier then it leaves more space for the good stuff (which is what is in it for me - more fun times with him).