Childhood Confused on if my memories of abuse are real - How do I know if they’re real or not?

[Mama bear]

I have had these dream like memories of my older brother sexually abusing me for as long as I can remember. There are multiple memories of different times of being abused and different sexual acts. I am around 3-5 in these memories. They have came and gone all through out my life. I go through years of never thinking about it. Once when I was 16 I told my then boyfriend about it and he got me to ask my mom about it. When I did my mom said nothing had happened between me and my brother. I let it go but this confused me for the rest of my life because these memories are so real to me. I started to think it was something my brain made up.

Fast forward my daughter turned 3 in July and since then I started having flashbacks. Sometimes now it’s been so bad I’ve started to disassociate in the middle of conversations with my boyfriend and once while I was driving. I know my mental health is really struggling now and it’s affecting my family.

I’m asking how do I know if it’s real or not

 

[beckyblue10]

I try to write down things down. Sometimes I can't figure out what bothered me just then. But, later on I can look back and figure it out. Once I know what upset me it seems to reassure me that it was real (or that the feeling is real to me. Which is most important.)

It took me years and lots of memories to convince me that it really happened. I also was able to look at the different things that "bothered" me. As the years went on, everything started to make sense. This was a good way to allow myself to accept myself, and not to blame myself.

I now know why I hate the color yellow. I know why all the lights in my present house are round, not square. Even smells that I don't care for can help me understand. It is very relieving to know which choices of today are mine, and which are due to the past.

Everyone in the family denied me that it ever happened too. I know that this makes it harder to believe in your own feelings. Just remember that "you" know how you feel. Even without their confirmation, what matters is that you believe yourself and your feelings. If it bothers you, then it is real to you. Lots of journal writing and notes is what kept me going for years. I was much older when I finally felt a physical feeling to go with my thoughts. Then I was able to cry and mourn for the feelings and experiences of my past.

Take it slow. When you're ready, both emotionally and physically, then - and only then - you will remember enough to "know" for yourself.
Be strong and take care of yourself and be patient.

--one last thing that I learned - for me at least - was to trust myself that I will only remember enough for me to confirm the experiences. I learned that I don't need to remember all of it, just enough. And only enough for me to handle at the time.

-- sorry for the long preaching.

This is a really beautiful post for me, I can totally resonate and what you said at the bottom I am in the middle of right now so your words are really important to me and I feel that too xx

 

[amicableDog6980]

I have had these dream like memories of my older brother sexually abusing me for as long as I can remember. There are multiple memories of different times of being abused and different sexual acts. I am around 3-5 in these memories. They have came and gone all through out my life. I go through years of never thinking about it. Once when I was 16 I told my then boyfriend about it and he got me to ask my mom about it. When I did my mom said nothing had happened between me and my brother. I let it go but this confused me for the rest of my life because these memories are so real to me. I started to think it was something my brain made up.

Fast forward my daughter turned 3 in July and since then I started having flashbacks. Sometimes now it’s been so bad I’ve started to disassociate in the middle of conversations with my boyfriend and once while I was driving. I know my mental health is really struggling now and it’s affecting my family.

I’m asking how do I know if it’s real or not

This is just my opinion but I think that if those "memories" aren't real then something else traumatic happened to you. It just doesn't make sense for your brain to make traumatic memories up if nothing at all happened. My advice would be to talk to a counselor and work through those traumatic memories regardless of whether they are real or not because they are having a detrimental effect on you. Also if those memories aren't real I think you will realize it in the process of working through it with a counsellor.

 

[katz]

This is a really beautiful post for me, I can totally resonate and what you said at the bottom I am in the middle of right now so your words are really important to me and I feel that too xx

I'm so glad that it helps you. Feel free to write to me alone if you need too. I can also be there to just listen. I have gone thru many memories and I have many "demons" that I had to deal with. I have also had the experience's of disassociation.

 

[Sideways]

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