Yet Another Reason Justifying My Complete Lack Of Trust

[just me here]

I just got blindsided by a trusted therapist, I just found out that all emails sent back and forth between us are cut and pasted into my permanent medical record. Now everything we have discussed, all the times I just wanted to write down my feelings and conclusions and get a professional opinion, all the times I wanted someone that I knew wouldn't hesitate to call me on something if it was just plain BS, all the times I just needed an opinion about something I read or heard about my disorder, all of it, has been cut and pasted into an electronic file that any doctor or member of a doctors staff can pick through and draw conclusions about without any context or any of the sessions that lead up to the emails.

There is an official website email system that all of the doctors in the HMO use to communicate with patients, and there is a warning that all emails on the system are permanent parts of your health record. For that reason I have only used it for superficial conversation- when is my next appointment, did you get my prescription order OK'd, do you have time to see me next week etc.

The other email was started by my T, in fact it was my first time using this particular email system. I was lead to beleive that it was "off the record", but I can't prove it because I delete all of my emails after 30 days or less.

This is bad. I was learning to trust through trusting this person and sharing stuff I wouldn't share with anyone I didn't trust. This person was a bridge between my total lack of trust to a world where I could take chances and show my feelings to someone and not worry about the betrayal I have experienced in the past. I just want it to not be true. I just want to hold onto the lifeline a while longer. I have to rebuild what just got destroyed, I can't stop trusting this person cause it would be the last trust I I ever have. Left to myself without a T I will go back to just plain hating and not trusting anyone because no matter how unhealthy it is, it is safe.

I am crying and throwing up and feeling sick about this. My last thread of trust has died, it is gone.

 

[Heather]

Hi just me here - trust is hard and when you let your guard down and let someone in and then feel like you have been betrayed . It is devastating. I'm sorry.

I'm going through the same thing with mine. I've yet to find the courage to confront him on the stuff that he's said that's really hurt me but at least I've finally written it down.

It's probably their policy that all communication be put into a perm. file but I understand why you feel the way you do. I hope you confront your therapist about this. Tell them why you're so hurt and feel betrayed. Like you said it's the one person you found that you finally do trust and that's an important relationship.

I've bee seeing my therapist for almost 2 years and he's made mistakes but I've forgiven him because I realize he's not perfect. He is after all human too. The most important thing I realized when it comes to my relationship with my therapist (especially since he's a man) is that I want to work it out with him and for me that's HUGE. Usually, when things gets hard in dealing with other people (trust wise) I bolt. So, obviously I must be changing.

I hope things work out between you and your therapist. Good luck. Hugs. Heather

 

[Abrasky]

What did the therapist say? Is there any chance there has been a miscommunication about off the record. I think specialists have to put emails ect on your record as it is a correspondence that would be important to them. I can understand how it would be upsetting though. Trust is really important to a therapist relationship. If there was a lie, just ditch them and find another better therapist. Trust is important for a therapist client relationship and you deserve better.

 

[anni]

Hi Just me,

If you know a good IT person, you can see about retrieving those deleted emails of yours, I think.

Have you talked about this with the T involved? This is your own permanant record- you have some control over content. I'm not sure how much since I'm not a professional, but this isn't prison where you have zero say in things. I only bring this up because I had an ex enter something about MY PTSD in my son's 'permanant' record during a custody 'dispute' ( nice word for a slime-ball war ). I had it removed across the board, believe me. I realize it's the trust you're so shattered over, but when you have the energy, perhaps look into these items not being there?

Hate and distrust is certainly an awful existance-gosh I hope you do not feel you 'have to' go back there. Taking some power back by doing what you can in all this might help you feel there's yet another place to be.

Do take care,

Anni

 

[KP the nut]

I'm sorry that you are feeling let down and betrayed. It is logical though that any correspondence will be kept with your file. IMHO it will probably only be your T who looks at this information, even if he hadn't kept the emails he would have made notes.

I would ask your T about it and tell him how you feel, and ask to see your file if that would settle you.
Try and see past this, it sounds as if he has helped you in the past.

Wishing you peace
KP

 

[just me here]

I am waiting for a denial, an explanation, anything. According to another therapist in the same office, the answer is that all of it is on the record, thats the rule that they have to follow. I am waiting for a simple denial or an explanation. These are people that I trust to look out for me as I deal with the HMO on this disorder, and it is possible that the emails are edited or generalised. One thing for sure, the comments my therapist has made are not on any record. They are often funny and a little off color and thats fine, as long as it wasn't designed to draw out a misguided sense of trust that lead me to say things I wouldn't want read by a nurse or an office assistant or a clerk somewhere. I was warned about that aspect of the official email system.

I am hopeful but my foot is already turned to the door. I am considering taking a few months away from all therapy, just getting by on the tools I have and clearing my head of all the smoke and mirrors and snake oil.

Honestly, I was getting there anyway. Maybe part of me wants to hear that it is true, it could be the push I need to go searching for a better source. This T hasn't been the greatest since day 1 but I tolerate things after I get invested with someone, this could be a big step in the right direction if I can find someone I trust.

 

[KP the nut]

I am hopeful but my foot is already turned to the door. I am considering taking a few months away from all therapy, just getting by on the tools I have and clearing my head of all the smoke and mirrors and snake oil.
.

Please think about this carefully. Playing devils advocate and please don't take offense but PTSD survivors often avoid and hear what they need to hear. So are you sure you are not using this as an excuse to avoid facing trust and other issues. I know you have some tools to cope but it is hard enough with a T and much worse without. I'm sorry, I do see your point but I'm worried that by leaving therapy it will make things worse. It is easy to isolate ourselves.

Despite being hard, I am with you. Please take care

(((HUGS)))
KP

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't know what to say JMH, if this is so- and what's important is if that's true- was it a lie by ommission (ie. you wouldn't have written if he had told you and therefore that's why he specifically didn't say anything/ make it clear? If that's so I wouldn't feel like it was avoiding trust but not trusting someone untrustworthy.) Certainly I would feel at best like clamming-up and at worst like not going back.

 

[Jestadud]

I am in the UK, so I always feel it is a different situation as I didn't get to choose my T's as they were provided by our NHS. However I was aware from the start that anything I mentioned in our sessions could be discussed by my T's with their colleagues or superior's and that this was to help them structure our sessions. I had no problem with this as to be quite honest I thought the more help the better and I could also understand that to do their job there must be times when the T's need help as well.
This is probably true for T's in private practice as well ( needing to discuss problems with a fellow professional )

I never sent emails, but used to take in stuff I had written down between sessions or even sketches. The fact that other professionals in the mental health industry might see my notes wasn't a concern for me, in fact when I think about it the only thing I would probably be embarrassed about was if I had been speaking about one T to another. without realising it might get back to them.

Harder for me was walking through the door the first time worrying that the world would know I had a mental health problem.

 

[Tinyflame]

I wonder if being 'aware of the fact in advance', is the difference between feeling trust/ not trusting? To be kept 'in the loop' (considering it's your 'information'?)
To be honest I would expect it with T's, but now I think it applies to anything and anywhere one would try to ask for help.

 

[Tinyflame]

Ugh- sorry-hope this deleted as it posted twice, said "Server did not respond in time-Try again"

 

[Tinyflame]

Oops sorry, - was an incomplete thought. What I mean is, for example, posting on this forum we know it will be seen, so we can choose what to reveal or when or how, in a sense to 'whom' ('everyone' sees it). But it is also done anonymously, and very frequently in the attempt to share, support or help someone else. Simply also, because I'm sure not all T's are 'created equal'; and definately some may be more trusted than others (by ourselves). Were it not the case, 'anyone' would have the same results.

Though I realize, it's important to face it squarely and professional opinions are just that. I think the fallout comes from not being told or being given a choice, not just a choice of 'if' it is shared but if it is going to be (they were honest and told you that in advance), to reveal or not what you wished, or to even leave altogether, etc. Whatever, -it's your (informed) choice.