Couples Counseling

[iceberg13]

Had first session with boyfriend for couples therapy today...feel really irritated and stressed to the max. After my appointment this coming Sunday it will be about 6 hours of therapy in the same week for me. Only 40 mins as a couple.

It's safe to say that at this point I have therapy burn out and almost a form of PTSD Ffrom having so many couples seniors who are not helpful or actually aren't trauma informed...etc etc...

Wtf do I do when I am at the end of my rope. I keep saying just me getting ore and more therapy or taking g a medication isn't going to fix OUR relationship.

I feel my boyfriend doesn't have enough understanding and how do i say no you need to go away and do some leg work before even attempting couples therapy...

Because it's like I am having to educate him on the simplest thing like boundaries and why they are there...but counselor coundt seem to grasp that what good is writing g my boundaries down going to do if the concept of healthy boundaries is completely foreign to him.

FEEL LIKE RIPPING MY HAAIIIRRR OUUUTTTTR

 

[Movingforward10]

It sounds difficult.
What would you like help with? A place to express your feelings and/or a place to receive feedback and reflections from others here about how to express what you want and need?

Are you doing all your individual therapy and couples counselling because you want to? It sounds like you don't?

 

[iceberg13]

It sounds difficult.
What would you like help with? A place to express your feelings and/or a place to receive feedback and reflections from others here about how to express what you want and need?

Are you doing all your individual therapy and couples counselling because you want to? It sounds like you don't?

I don't find your assumption that I dont want to be doing counseling helpful or supportive. I didn't ask for help, and you are not a safe person for me to even engage in this conversation with. Please do not reply.

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
@iceberg13 - if there’s particular types of responses that you’re after, you’re very welcome to set that out so that members can reply in a way that you find helpful.

Please take a moment to read the Community Constitution, which describes the type of community here. In particular:

Diversity is the spice of life, and this community respects diverse opinions. A community philosophy often read here is "use what helps you, and ignore the rest."

 

[Ecdysis]

Try looking at books by Terry Real. He's a really good couple's therapist and deals with childhood trauma in this context too.

 

[iceberg13]

Try looking at books by Terry Real. He's a really good couple's therapist and deals with childhood trauma in this context too.

Thank you

 

[Friday]

having so many couples seniors who are not helpful or actually aren't trauma informed...etc etc...

Bad therapy is worse than no therapy.

I don't find your assumption that I dont want to be doing counseling helpful or supportive.

I didn’t read an assumption, I read a question. IE, Ask, don’t assume. Maybe restating it in a different way would help?

- DO you want to be in therapy? Plenty of times in my own life when I don’t. For daaaaayum good reason(s). Other times where I’m on the fence. Sometimes, durn skippy, could reeeeally use an ally/mediator with wicked good intuition, a bad ass personality, who knows more than I do. Totally depends on the time. All (yes, maybe, no) equally valid.

- How much say/research/vetting/etc. do you have in these counselors/therapists? Depending on your relationship, if they set the thing up, and it’s “be here if you love me”??? Versus you’ve looked at a couple hundred applicants, and interviewed 5-25 of them to find a good fit??? RADICALLY different end results. If & only IF, one is actually wanting counseling, in this moment, in my own experience. When I do NOT want counseling, at the moment? It’s like not wanting to be drowned. No, means no, and f*ck the hell off. Yes, I can be forced or leveraged. Same end result.

 

[iceberg13]

All valid points although sometimes people working with limited resources i.e. medicaid and poverty rural areas...there's a roadblock to getting the help...

I still don't find the questions helpful...because in my inner knowing I want to be in therapy...do i want to be drudging through the aftermath of choices i didn't make...not particularly...who the f*ck does?

But as a survivor have to...

I'm just looking for conversations who can relate and offer advice...if you don't have any experiences pertaining to trauma informed couples counseling that's okay, not trying to find out if I want to be in therapy or justify being in it or not. Just had a bad experience yesterday, feeling super unsafe...very dysregulated.

 

[Friday]

feeling super unsafe...very dysregulated.

Check out the >>> The ptsd cup explanation

SUPER helpful.

 

[Friday]

For SURE.

I’ve known a couple/few amaaazing individuals…

Because it's like I am having to educate him on the simplest thing like boundaries and why they are there...bu

Cha. Breaking shit down Barney Style, is something I only have the patience for when I’m doing well. Not when I’m doing badly.

OY! Boundaries are WHAT I DO IN RESPONSE to what someone else is doing, not a negotiation, or ultimatum, or ploy. You piss on me, as a stranger? I leap back, recoil, hurl abuse. You’re a specific kind of asshole at a family holiday party? I wish “everyone else” warmth & take my kids and go home. MY BOUNDARIES in absolutely zero way predict anyone else’s behavior or actions… but mine. YOU do this? I do THAT. Full stop. Whether you’re a drunk on the street, or my best friend in -beloved only- public. From the lowest of the worst, to the highest of the best. BOUNDARIES ARE NOT WHAT YOU DO, BUT HOW I REACT. Full stop.

if you don't have any experiences pertaining to trauma informed couples counseling that's okay

Totally depends on if you’re married to an Axis 2 psychopath, with children in play.

If you want first hand experience.

Is your partner a psychopath under the old axis system? Psychopathy II, acquired? Whilst you, yourself, have PTSD?