Relationship Is a pause in the relationship helpful for people with CPTSD?

[Susan Jane]

My partner has CPTSD and we haven’t seen each other for a couple of months despite texting most days. Every time we have tried to see each other they are overcome with panic and have been unable to. They explain it as feeling unsafe when vulnerable and being unable to deal with the strong emotions that being together brings up. This has happened before and has previously resolved itself within a few weeks. This time it is taking a lot longer and I am not sure they will ever be able to see me again. The onset of this particular episode came out of the blue, from one moment to the next I simply did not see them again (despite the online communication). I have recently suggested not being in contact for now so as to take any pressure related to ‘us’ off what I imagine is a very painful situation for them. But I am emotionally struggling with my decision because I love them and however much I try I know I will never be able to fully understand their situation. So I am reaching out for any advice and support. For a sufferer whose coping mechanism is to retreat is what I have suggested helpful? They say it is but I am very confused as to what is for the best. I still hope to be with them again. Thanks

Hello Shortsocks..I am a sufferer myself and I find it very difficult to see anyone, even my child when in a bad episode. I love him over the moon, but I am not able to be with him much. We telephone. Being afraid to see others has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. .

 

[Shortsocks]

Hello Shortsocks..I am a sufferer myself and I find it very difficult to see anyone, even my child when in a bad episode. I love him over the moon, but I am not able to be with him much. We telephone. Being afraid to see others has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. .

@Susan Jane I am so very humbled and moved by how brave you survivors are. It has nothing to do with either you or them. Life hurt you and that’s deeply unfair. I am sorry. Thank you for your comment, it helps. Your words are exactly how it is explained to me.

You mean they only stop seeing you during an episode and it lasts weeks to months?? Seems to be more underlying issues, that's way too long for a trigger.

It's great that you communicate well and still recommend trying couples therapy so you can both voice your thoughts and work through them.

@parrotthepolly yes that is what I mean. Weeks to months and only with me. It is an underlying issue - being scared of love and loving so deeply at the same time must be terrifying.

 

[Susan Jane]

@Susan Jane I am so very humbled and moved by how brave you survivors are. It has nothing to do with either you or them. Life hurt you and that’s deeply unfair. I am sorry. Thank you for your comment, it helps. Your words are exactly how it is explained to me.


@parrotthepolly yes that is what I mean. Weeks to months and only with me. It is an underlying issue - being scared of love and loving so deeply at the same time must be terrifying.

Just remember to think of yourself too. Being understanding about someone else’s pain is a kind and honorable, and you are important too

 

[Nairobi]

@parrotthepolly yes that is what I mean. Weeks to months and only with me. It is an underlying issue - being scared of love and loving so deeply at the same time must be terrifying

I think this is a difficult point. How do you deal with the "only with me"?
I mean, for me are more easy the periods of complete isolation. He is not able to speak with anybody. Nothing personal with me

But in those periods when he is not able to speak with me but can speak with others. Or for example, when I know he is able to make videocalls with others but with me is only voice phone calls. It is more difficult not to take it personally
Any tips?

 

[Shortsocks]

Just remember to think of yourself too. Being understanding about someone else’s pain is a kind and honorable, and you are important too

Thank you @Susan Jane. I love the ‘and’, as opposed to a ‘but’

 

[Shortsocks]

@Nairobi It can be challenging at times. Trust, is what helps me. I trust they are doing the best they can atm. At the same time I look at my own patterns of attachment. There’s an opportunity for growth in everything. I wish you well.

 

[Shortsocks]

Hello, here is an update. I am lost and any advice would be greatly appreciated. I have seen my partner (or ex partner?) a few times sìnce I last posted. They have been good moments. We never talk about us nor the situation. For the brief times we are together we make the most of just that, we chat and we walk. I am always left wondering though. Am I getting this wrong, am I using their cptsd as an excuse for accepting this situation? Am I perhaps not paying attention to the truth that I fear the most - that they just don’t love me anymore? They tell me that they do - although only in response to me saying it first - and I believe that. But then why this distance? They are waiting for therapy. Based on the fact that they have made the effort to see me I would tend to say that they still want me in their life but maybe they are just being nice. I am too scared to ask as I fear they would retreat further if I did. We message every day, say goodnight and good morning but it feels as if they are not there. The other day I walked a mile away from where they live. I messaged them to ‘warn’ them which is something I do mostly out of respect of their need for safety. It transpired afterwards that my presence so close to them caused them harm (I was never told this explicitly but it was pretty clear as they retreated instantly upon knowing). And I have spent the last couple of days feeling really bad about it. In the mean time they have grown more and more distant…and I feel silly for hanging on. The last thing I want to do is disturb them. And I don’t want to lose them either.

 

[arfie]

welcome to life with cptsd. every round is a guess and quick fixes are not available. right/wrong? your guess is as good as mine.

when i am on the support side of the ptsd help desk, i monitor and navigate by my own senses. if i am hurting myself, i am probably not helping the person i am attempting to support. nobody ever saved a drowning victim by drowning with them. allowing my own senses to guide me feels far more reliable than trying to guess what is going on with someone else's psychosis. i'm a supporter, not a psychoanalyst.

easy does it, shortsocks. keep venting and sorting. your answers are in there.

 

[Shortsocks]

welcome to life with cptsd. every round is a guess and quick fixes are not available. right/wrong? your guess is as good as mine.

when i am on the support side of the ptsd help desk, i monitor and navigate by my own senses. if i am hurting myself, i am probably not helping the person i am attempting to support. nobody ever saved a drowning victim by drowning with them. allowing my own senses to guide me feels far more reliable than trying to guess what is going on with someone else's psychosis. i'm a supporter, not a psychoanalyst.

easy does it, shortsocks. keep venting and sorting. your answers are in there.

@arfie thank you, this is very helpful. And in my more lucid moments i hold the same compass. Had forgotten about it in my current grief stricken state. I crave for the certainty that comes with fitting relationships into boxes, so that we can name them and keep them fixed. Truth is I don’t necessarily want to help them. I would love to but I have come to understand that I can’t. Or perhaps I do and can? I often think the best thing I could do for them is disappear completely so they wouldn’t have to deal with the additional shame and guilt that must come from them feeling they let me down. To be honest I would just settle with not hurting them more.

Ps On a more practical note is there a way I can post updates here, rather than start a new thread every time?

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:

On a more practical note is there a way I can post updates here, rather than start a new thread every time?

Sure is!

1. Locate your previous thread in the Supporter Discussion forum from the Topics Menu
2. Scroll down to the bottom of the thread - there’s a box for you to type out your new post
3. Hit reply.

For questions about that, or any other questions about how to use the forum, hit us up at Contact so we can step you through it without derailing your thread.

I’ll merge this thread with your previous thread so they’re all in the same place.

 

[parrotthepolly]

It sounds like things have improved a lot, speaking as someone who isolates nearly all the time and don't have good relationships rn (not romantic).

Well is there anything else stressing them? It can lead to an overflow and the need to isolate. I don't think isolating and seeming distant means they don't love you. Emotions can become permanently numb from CPTSD and spending time with you is probably beneficial even if it don't seem that way and they don't seem excited or happy.

I would ask them if they still love you, I don't mean discuss the relationship just if they still love you, cause I wouldn't know unless I'm told, or is this something they don't want brought up?