i lied to my boyfriend about something that happened before we met or committed to each other

[solblue]

so i’m new here and seeking advice because i feel like im going insane. just for context: my boyfriend and i have been together for four years, i was 18 and he was 20 when we first got together. we were co workers. over these past four years, ive found over 50 naked photos of women on his phone, he’s cheated on me twice, and he’s looked for escorts. i even had to meet one of the girls he cheated on me with because she was crazy and supposedly in love with him. anyways. before i was with my boyfriend, i was in a different relationship, an abusive one. i had a difficult time leaving but then i finally did and this was in november of 2020. as usual, when you break up with someone, you either sulk in your bed or go for a rebound and i did both.

in december and january i had gotten hired at a new job. i involved myself with a co worker which wasn’t anything serious. i just wanted to forget all the pain i had went through and feel wanted for a small minute, he wasn’t interested in a relationship either. i stopped talking to this guy once i found out he was with some other girl at the same job we all worked at.

now, as i said my boyfriend was my co worker as well but i hardly talked to the guy. in february of 2021 we ended up becoming involved but disclosed we both didn’t want anything serious. soon enough, we both caught feelings and committed to one another. my boyfriend’s bestfriend recently told him about my endeavor with the previous guy i was involved with BEFORE my boyfriend.

now my boyfriend is saying i’ve been lying to him since the start of our relationship, that he would have never gotten together with me if he knew i was involved with someone else at our same job, that he was a second choice, that he doesn’t know who i am and that i am a manipulator. i didn’t tell him because i didn’t think it was necessary since it was BEFORE him. i also felt a lot of shame and embarrassment for just getting with a guy because i simply wanted to forget what my ex had done to me. my boyfriend was never a second choice for me, i just fell in love. he stated his mistakes do not amount to what IIII did. i’m confused. this was 5 years ago. it was before i committed myself to my boyfriend. i have never been disloyal, i have stayed when he has cheated on me and waited for him to become a better man. haven’t i proved i love him? haven’t i proved my loyalty? he hasn’t talked to me in over three days and im visiting family back home. i know he feels upset and needs space, but i dont know what else to do here. i’m going back and forth on whether to text him and apologize AGAIN, mind you i apologized profusely, or just give him space. i don’t know where we stand and it’s driving me insane. what do i do? will he seriously break up with me over this?

 

[whiteraven]

Welcome!
I'm sure there's a lot others have to say here, but this is what I keep coming back to:

ive found over 50 naked photos of women on his phone, he’s cheated on me twice, and he’s looked for escorts.

I'd be gone after this. This guy is not worth it--he did it before, he will do it again.

"he stated his mistakes do not amount to what IIII did."

Seriously? Yours was before the relationship. Not even any of his damn business.

 

[Friday]

before i was with my boyfriend, i was in a different relationship, an abusive one.

Sounds like you’re still in an abusive relationship… unless you’re in an open relationship.

soon enough, we both caught feelings and committed to one another.

I refer you to your own statement about cheating on you with both other girlfriends AND prostitutes. Assuming you weren’t the other woman he was cheating on someone else with, and then cheating on both/all of you. For the “committed” piece of the statement. Committed to hide other lovers from, is not the same as committing TO a single person (or group). It’s the opposite.

my boyfriend’s bestfriend recently told him about my endeavor with the previous guy i was involved with BEFORE my boyfriend.

You dated &/or f*cked around BEFORE you started dating him… and McCheater takes issue with that??? Really???

will he seriously break up with me over this?

I hope YOU do. Not only because of what he has done, but his response to this. But it sounds like you’ve healed enough from the physical abuse, not to allow him to hit you, but are still slavering after an asshole who doesn’t respect you, as if you don’t deserve that scraping the bottom of the barrel. Physical & sexual abuse causes all kinds of seeeeeeerious “it’s all my fault, pleeeeease don’t leave me, I loooooove you” cringing/whimpering/licking at crumbs. You deserve better. And I don’t use the word deserve, lightly. As I don’t believe in the concept of deserve… outside of basic human rights. The right for a child to grow up safe & loved, the right for a partner to BE a partner, and not a punching bag, free in-house sex, used/abused/lied to. ANY/EVERY person deserves to be with a person who respects them. But? As an adult? You have to fight for that. Kick assholes, who don’t respect you, to the curb. So more like half deserved, half earned.

You freed yourself from one kind of asshole, and moved onto another.

That’s so common it’s EXPECTED in DV circles.

Raise the bar, chica.

You deserve better than him, and how he’s treated you, even if you don’t believe it… you have to fight for it, for it to become true.

 

[captain jigglypuff]

I agree. He is very capable of cheating on you again and also you did absolutely nothing wrong. You were already out of your previous relationship and it was an abusive one which you have the right to not discuss about because of the trauma. The thing is your current boyfriend sounds a bit narcissistic and is gaslighting you into thinking you did something wrong which is a major red flag and possible hint that he could end up being emotionally and verbally abusive towards you and continue to gaslight you over insignificant things such as questioning what he has said to you or that he didn’t call you “fat” during an argument when you clearly heard what he said. I say give him one more chance and if he gaslights you, immediately dump him and block his number. You don’t owe him an explanation if he is going to keep on gaslighting you.