Other I think I'm currently stuck in a trauma re-enactment

[Ecdysis]

For the last year, I've been going through a very intense situation that's been weighing incredibly heavily on me. It's made me feel nauseous 24/7, burned out, unable to sleep, unable to rest or enjoy anything. Constant worry, pressure, guilt, anxiety, fretting.

The situation feels utterly unfixable to me. I keep trying to find solutions but none of them feel viable.

I just tried doing the DBT "Wise Mind" exercise which is a deeply helpful exercise for me in situations where I'm stuck and going round in circles and can't resolve an issue.

The result of the Wise Mind exercise: It would seem that I'm unconsciously re-enacting a trauma dynamic.

I think I'm unconsciously transferring the trauma dynamics of my childhood (abuse, neglect, poverty, illness, helplessness, etc) and transferring it to this present day situation. And I seem to be emotionally re-enacting all of the dynamics and going round in circles with it, unable to break out of the pattern, totally triggered, totally "back in the tunnel" of childhood trauma, going through all the same emotions and patterns.

Ugh... I have no idea what on earth to do about it tho, to be honest.

 

[Rose White]

Well… they say seeing it is the first step, right? And then talking about it helpful too.

 

[Sideways]

Wow! The level of insight to pick up something like that is immense! High fives, that’s awesome:)

I find goals helpful. Value-driven goals. So there’s 2 parts to that:
i) what are my core values
ii) now that I know what I value, what do I want to aim for.

When I notice myself repeating old patterns, value-driven goals have helped me hit reset on how I’m approaching situations.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Try something new that you have never done before. Break the cycle by doing or going somewhere unfamiliar.

 

[arfie]

I have no idea what on earth to do about it tho, to be honest.

i propose a celebration. as @Sideways mentioned, that is a very high level of awareness and worthy of a salute. that level of awareness opens the door to sustainable change and self-love. as your comfort zone with that new awareness grows, so, too, will the ideas for what to do with that astounding evolution.

well done, my healing warrior. let's party! ! !

 

[Ecdysis]

Thank you so much

I spent yesterday just crying and grieving everything involved

Feeling miserable about it and so very stuck

Woke up this morning feeling in despair about it and clueless as to what to do about any of it or how on earth to get out of that trauma re-enactment dynamic (that's such a powerful dynamic and I know it's happening for very convincing reasons - feels like I'm stuck in a survival fight and compelled to keep going)

Just started up another round of the DBT Wise Mind exercise on it, which seems to have helped a bit, taken the edge of the compulsion to keep re-enacting this, a bit. Maybe I have to just keep doing iterations of that, for as long as it takes to shift this dynamic enough so I'm a bit less entangled with it.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

If you are crying and grieving I would say you are not stuck. Having a hard time accepting and being able to understand something maybe.

Cry, grieve, howl at the moon for what's been done. Accepting can come later if you need to, understanding may never happen, will never happen for many as there is no sense to some things.

For now, let yourself feel what you need to feel. Are you safe? Is there something that needs to be done to be safe.

Your body and mind know what you need better than you do. It's not nice or pleasant, but some things have to be felt in order to not be stuck.

 

[Mach123]

For the last year, I've been going through a very intense situation that's been weighing incredibly heavily on me. It's made me feel nauseous 24/7, burned out, unable to sleep, unable to rest or enjoy anything. Constant worry, pressure, guilt, anxiety, fretting.

The situation feels utterly unfixable to me. I keep trying to find solutions but none of them feel viable.

I just tried doing the DBT "Wise Mind" exercise which is a deeply helpful exercise for me in situations where I'm stuck and going round in circles and can't resolve an issue.

The result of the Wise Mind exercise: It would seem that I'm unconsciously re-enacting a trauma dynamic.

I think I'm unconsciously transferring the trauma dynamics of my childhood (abuse, neglect, poverty, illness, helplessness, etc) and transferring it to this present day situation. And I seem to be emotionally re-enacting all of the dynamics and going round in circles with it, unable to break out of the pattern, totally triggered, totally "back in the tunnel" of childhood trauma, going through all the same emotions and patterns.

Ugh... I have no idea what on earth to do about it tho, to be honest.

I don’t think I’ve ever done anything else .

 

[Friday]

How are things going with this?

 

[Ecdysis]

How are things going with this?

Oh, heh... I'm still going strong with it...

I think I'm getting better at at least realising it tho? And trying to push back against it? As opposed to just being stuck in it with 100% of my brain and swirling round in spirals of re-enactment...?

Long way to go still tho...

Recently, I did have a semi-insight (after about 2 years of desperate struggle) that in this situation, my powers are limited and I'm not literally responsible for "everything", that it's literally not possible for me to somehow miraculously fix "everything"... That I may... may... may... have to accept that some other humans may need to carry some of the responsibility too...? That I mayyyyy have to let go of the attempt to control 100% of the outcome...?

Oh boy these insights are few and far between tho... I'm fighting this all the way... It's a very powerful dynamic and I can't say that I've found some cool way of making it go away yet...