dharmaBum
Platinum Member
This thread will start with Crime Victims' Compensation, a survivor support resource in my state in the United States. It will combine direct reporting of my experience with my own commentary while welcoming the questions and commentary of others.
I'm trying to disentangle and properly ascribe value-driven assessments that I've internalized throughout my life as a sexual abuse survivor, especially as they relate to the systems that are supposed to help in recovery. Some of these assessments, in relation to the assaults and resultant PTSD and social/emotional struggles include:
1. What happened to me didn't matter
2. No one cared(s) about me for reasons of socio-economic status
3. True help will never arrive
4. I'm not worth protecting or helping to recover
5. Full recovery is not possible
6. It is the victim/survivor's job to recover and finance recovery
Briefly: By age 16 I was sexually assaulted in varying fashions by 10 separate offenders, including 3 separate abductions for sexual purposes, the first being at age 7 and ongoing sex-trafficking. At a medical exam at age 16 I accidentally disclosed the nature of some of the sexual abuse by honestly filling out a sexual history questionairre at a doctor's office that was designed to flag concerning cases. GOOD JOB PLANNED PARENTHOOD!
There was a court case, the offender eventually plead down charges and pled guilty. He got sex offender treatment. I got no substantive follow-up, even though he had basically tortured me sexually for 5 years from age 10 through 15. I applied for Crime Victims' Compensation (CVC) to pay for counseling as I was an independent, somewhat transient 17 year old by the conclusion of the case. My claim was denied.
4 years later at age 21 I was suicidal from the PTSD of it all. I broke down at college while interviewing a counselor for an assignment, and they told me CVC should be able to help me with mental health care. I called them and they denied me over the phone, saying it had, "been too long." I unsuccessfully tried to end it all shortly after.
I kept the trauma and the PTSD to myself after that, even through marriage and having our first child. My husband knew something of some sexual abuse in my past, but he knew no details. Then when I was 35, out of the blue the offender had a new charge, I was called to participate as a prior-victim witness, and I was downhill spiraling like a freight train after being drawn into this all again. With no counseling. With no support. I lived in a different area, so interviews etc, were conducted over the phone. I started hallucinating, major dissociation, suicidal ideation: all at the peak of promise finishing college with a young family and on the cusp of a prospective new business.
I found crisis counseling and again was told to apply for CVC. Again denied. This time, at least, I had insurance and wracked up thousands in co-pays. Ultimately, I simply queried CVC to tell me "WHY" why they had denied my claim in the first place, right after the successful guilty plea. A kind supervisor went so far as to request the paper files from the warehouse, since now more than 15 years had passed. Finally, all she would tell me was, "It was denied incorrectly and I'm activating your claim."
So I began anew/afresh, but not really. After my counselor was required to submit numerous detailed case notes for me and I received triggering letter after letter and phone call after phone from CVC requesting more information, etc... it turned out in the end the counselor had never been compensated and had written off all of the copays CVC didn't cover after my insurance.
Now we get to fast-forward again to today: 35 years after the first successful trial in 1990. 16 years after the second trial. 12 years after a retrial. The offender is in my small town in prison and when his early release time came, he decided not to leave and that was just too much. I had held my breath for 13 years, beginning with the birth of our second child, scrubbing myself from the internet, keeping my name out of all local news and publications even though I am a prominent volunteer and small business person: terrified that if he knew I was only 5 miles away he would terrorize my children and my family, either directly or indirectly.
So in all the talk with my Department of Corrections Victim's Liaison, eventually I get myself to counseling again, and they say I need exposure therapy for PTSD and I should apply to CVC because it is so clearly linked to the crimes I survived and the criminal's imminent release from prison, and that I should have been given exposure therapy in the first place and CVC should have paid for it when I was a teenager. And, triggering though it is, I apply again to CVC. This time in March 2025, which is 5 months ago. I've completed the dasturdly exposure therapy somewhat successfully (often 2 90 minute appointments a week for 3-4 months). I've been awarded a 99 year protection order from the offender for everyone in my family, which stays in place even after my death should I die before him. And I've received a letter from CVC that before they will further process my claim they are sending me to a required medical exam in mid September this year. What in the actual heck?
I've put in a call to the CVC claim manager and the counseling office billing person. It's a Friday in our world, so it's unclear when I will hear back.
Is getting this latest request for a medical exam from CVC triggering, reasonably stressful, or a mix of both?
The main sentiment is that it is the victim/survivor's job to finance and achieve recovery and I have been trying but this seems Herculean. I'm trying to "bright side" it and forestall my actual emotions of despair by imagining that paying for trauma therapy will NOT be a financial avalanche for me when all is said and done.
I'm trying to disentangle and properly ascribe value-driven assessments that I've internalized throughout my life as a sexual abuse survivor, especially as they relate to the systems that are supposed to help in recovery. Some of these assessments, in relation to the assaults and resultant PTSD and social/emotional struggles include:
1. What happened to me didn't matter
2. No one cared(s) about me for reasons of socio-economic status
3. True help will never arrive
4. I'm not worth protecting or helping to recover
5. Full recovery is not possible
6. It is the victim/survivor's job to recover and finance recovery
Briefly: By age 16 I was sexually assaulted in varying fashions by 10 separate offenders, including 3 separate abductions for sexual purposes, the first being at age 7 and ongoing sex-trafficking. At a medical exam at age 16 I accidentally disclosed the nature of some of the sexual abuse by honestly filling out a sexual history questionairre at a doctor's office that was designed to flag concerning cases. GOOD JOB PLANNED PARENTHOOD!
There was a court case, the offender eventually plead down charges and pled guilty. He got sex offender treatment. I got no substantive follow-up, even though he had basically tortured me sexually for 5 years from age 10 through 15. I applied for Crime Victims' Compensation (CVC) to pay for counseling as I was an independent, somewhat transient 17 year old by the conclusion of the case. My claim was denied.
4 years later at age 21 I was suicidal from the PTSD of it all. I broke down at college while interviewing a counselor for an assignment, and they told me CVC should be able to help me with mental health care. I called them and they denied me over the phone, saying it had, "been too long." I unsuccessfully tried to end it all shortly after.
I kept the trauma and the PTSD to myself after that, even through marriage and having our first child. My husband knew something of some sexual abuse in my past, but he knew no details. Then when I was 35, out of the blue the offender had a new charge, I was called to participate as a prior-victim witness, and I was downhill spiraling like a freight train after being drawn into this all again. With no counseling. With no support. I lived in a different area, so interviews etc, were conducted over the phone. I started hallucinating, major dissociation, suicidal ideation: all at the peak of promise finishing college with a young family and on the cusp of a prospective new business.
I found crisis counseling and again was told to apply for CVC. Again denied. This time, at least, I had insurance and wracked up thousands in co-pays. Ultimately, I simply queried CVC to tell me "WHY" why they had denied my claim in the first place, right after the successful guilty plea. A kind supervisor went so far as to request the paper files from the warehouse, since now more than 15 years had passed. Finally, all she would tell me was, "It was denied incorrectly and I'm activating your claim."
So I began anew/afresh, but not really. After my counselor was required to submit numerous detailed case notes for me and I received triggering letter after letter and phone call after phone from CVC requesting more information, etc... it turned out in the end the counselor had never been compensated and had written off all of the copays CVC didn't cover after my insurance.
Now we get to fast-forward again to today: 35 years after the first successful trial in 1990. 16 years after the second trial. 12 years after a retrial. The offender is in my small town in prison and when his early release time came, he decided not to leave and that was just too much. I had held my breath for 13 years, beginning with the birth of our second child, scrubbing myself from the internet, keeping my name out of all local news and publications even though I am a prominent volunteer and small business person: terrified that if he knew I was only 5 miles away he would terrorize my children and my family, either directly or indirectly.
So in all the talk with my Department of Corrections Victim's Liaison, eventually I get myself to counseling again, and they say I need exposure therapy for PTSD and I should apply to CVC because it is so clearly linked to the crimes I survived and the criminal's imminent release from prison, and that I should have been given exposure therapy in the first place and CVC should have paid for it when I was a teenager. And, triggering though it is, I apply again to CVC. This time in March 2025, which is 5 months ago. I've completed the dasturdly exposure therapy somewhat successfully (often 2 90 minute appointments a week for 3-4 months). I've been awarded a 99 year protection order from the offender for everyone in my family, which stays in place even after my death should I die before him. And I've received a letter from CVC that before they will further process my claim they are sending me to a required medical exam in mid September this year. What in the actual heck?
I've put in a call to the CVC claim manager and the counseling office billing person. It's a Friday in our world, so it's unclear when I will hear back.
Is getting this latest request for a medical exam from CVC triggering, reasonably stressful, or a mix of both?
The main sentiment is that it is the victim/survivor's job to finance and achieve recovery and I have been trying but this seems Herculean. I'm trying to "bright side" it and forestall my actual emotions of despair by imagining that paying for trauma therapy will NOT be a financial avalanche for me when all is said and done.
