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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

Why did I bother hoping i would leave this life behind. Whose life was I trying to make better? Because mine is much, much worse now than when I started undergrad. I thought I saw a future for a while but then I returned home, blamed my mom for pressuring me, and then ended by on disability with no future. I get 600 a month and can't pay for everything anymore. I don't know why the f*ck I wasn't helping my mom with bills before, but now I have them all and can't get the energy to do anything about any of them

I paid some of my mom's old bills to avoid problems with big corporations that don't care that my mom died. So in a way I've paid some of her bills that allowed her to do more fun things before she died.

But one of the last memories I have with her is her warning me not to feed all the cheese to the dog because she couldn't afford more that month. Then she f*cking died.

So. That's great. I've never hated myself more. As a kid at least I hated myself because other people told me to, in a way, and kids don't understand shit. If I had killed myself as a child none of this would have ever happened and I'd not have done this thing that I can't take back.

I shouldn't have ever tried to do anything. I'm a disabled idiot who can't even get basic shit done and I don't deserve better and I never did.

This world is sad and if you can't play the money game you're f*cked. There's so much suffering and I'm only making it worse. I don't belong here and I never did, and worse, as an adult I should have known better. I'm so f*cking stupid.
 
She was doing her f*cking best. She went out of her way to try to make the world better, even when I tried to stop her because she was hurting herself because she had become so disabled because of my father.

Me? I sleep. The older I get the more hours I need. It's over 12 hours a day now and I hate myself and do nothing. Why am I even alive
 
I realize this sounds stupid but I also think the universe was trying to tell me to not bother with the PHP to be honest. The company that was supposed to help me get there every day kept not ordering rides for me and showing up incredibly late for every single ride for the two days I showed up, people I called to get it fixed took personal offense like I was upset with them personally, etc. Was a chore and difficult and I ended up stuck in Nashville for an hour at one point causing me to have to cancel all my other appointments.

The second they discharged me for missing two days, suddenly the rides were fine.

I just wasn't meant to be on them. They scared me anyway.

I already knew the things they were teaching there at the php anyway and the psychiatrist told me first meeting that no meds were likely to help with this. By which he meant the grief but yeah.

I gave everyone else support just fine but didn't get a chance to talk about much. And when I did obviously no one had anything they could offer in terms of support. No one's been through this amount of stupid.

The end of the PHP graduation is just a congrats you did it, where you sit in the middle of the room while your peers say nice things about you and well wishes and whatever, and they give you a rock they painted that everyone holds while talking to you. Very cute. I wouldn't have wanted to do it. I can not handle a single nice thing right now.

Doing better with the maga neighbor who reminds me every day that most of the world wants me dead anyway. It would make me angry to hear otherwise at this point
 
Catching up on a lot of chores tonight, or at least staying up to date on them

Ate an actual meal, though it was heavily processed and my gut could tell. I don't even want to know my cholesterol levels after these past few months ._.
 
littleoc said:
She was doing her f*cking best.
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As are you.
littleoc said:
Very cute. I wouldn't have wanted to do it. I can not handle a single nice thing right now.
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You deserve something cute.
littleoc said:
They should have let me kill myself
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It sounds a very tough place that you are in right now. A lot of self punishing thoughts. But you deserve to live. You deserve to be treated well by yourself and others.
littleoc said:
Not trying to hurt anyone here
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You're not hurting anyone by expressing how you feel. You are hurting. And you are expressing that. And that is all okay.
It will get better. You are in the midst of grieving. It's overwhelming. So much pain and loss. But it will find a way to settle.
 
littleoc said:
Thank you

Yesterday/last night/this morning I was able to think of some examples of things I did for my mom/her house while she was alive
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Write them down. As in make a list of everything that you did over the years to try to help her. Didn't you even once try to contact the hoarders tv show to help get the house cleaned out? But they wouldn't come because she wouldn't let them?

So write out everything you can remember - even go back thru your diary here and see how many things you tried to do. And yes, you are frustrated but that doesn't make you bad. It makes you a person in an impossible place who was trying someone who didn't want to be saved, and who had convinced you that YOU were the problem. Which was never true.

Your mom made a lot of bad decisions in her life and those are not your responsibility or your fault. She made a lot of choices. Choices that put here where she was. She refused to allow you to help her. That's on her.

And the going back and what if'ing? Ya, I still do that with my parents - what could I have done differently? But that's part of the grief cycle - not part of reality.
 
Very depressed. Took a career test. Shouldn't have ever worked for that doctor, confidence is permanently shot and I feel like I can't do anything because I'll just get it wrong. Hate being disabled and seen as stupid. Hate this.
 

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