Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

My mom wasn't any worse than I am

 

[Rose White]

Sending care
I like that you keep updating. Your bravery in the face of all this is inspiring

 

[Freida]

My mom wasn't any worse than I am

worse? maybe, maybe not
different? Definitely
You both had battles to fight - you just chose different ways to do it

 

[littleoc]

Sending care
I like that you keep updating. Your bravery in the face of all this is inspiring

Thank you

I'm not wanting to be rude, but I don't know how to feel about this right now

worse? maybe, maybe not
different? Definitely
You both had battles to fight - you just chose different ways to do it

I guess so. She was nearly perfect and I acted stupid about her mental illnesses. I wish I could apologize





Pretty upset today. Got discriminated against today by the "owner" (?) of the neurologist office I go to. Went to, I guess, because I've been kicked out. Same discrimination issue as with my previous therapy office. Only this time felt bad in a different way because she started laughing at me and I asked her not to, and then she started talking over me and eventually hung up while I tried to ask a question.

I'm very stupid but I didn't think it was funny. I don't know

Really upset and worried I was being toxic or gaslighting. I think I'm just dense and stupid

I'm not sure how a therapist could fix this

Been out of some meds and won't be able to get them filled, including pain medication

I talked to a complaint line for that hospital but I don't think I'm going to be taken seriously to be honest. I'm used to being ignored and rejected and ostrocized but just the fact that she laughed at me and then changed tones. I am feeling especially worthless

I am never good enough anyway though so I don't know why I'm being so sensitive about it now

 

[littleoc]

Was thinking maybe it's time to come off of all the medications. I'm tired of the stress of them. Always running out and now inconveniencing my psychiatrist and then missing my appointment after having to ask him to do all that paperwork for housing. Receptionist telling me to feel bad about it. Which I still can't get housing despite having the voucher because I have to wait for months for anyone to do anything with their jobs. No one will work with me and I have to make it happen. I'm doing their jobs for them and then missing appointments because of it. I just keep inconveniencing everyone anyway. I'm so tired of existing and I wish I hadn't been born. I am so angry at myself for being like this. I hate myself

 

[littleoc]

Nothing at all has gone right. It just keeps getting worse.

I don't have enough money for my bills. I get 500$/mo from disability and no snap this month. Had to steal. Bills are over 1000/mo and that's with me avoiding paying rent.

Amd that's the least of my worries.

Don't know why I'm complaining about this. Everyone else can pay bills. Should probably suck it up and give up and get a job or else go kill myself already.

 

[Teasel]

I'm really sorry @littleoc I can hear how hurt and tired you are. Sitting with you

 

[Rose White]

sorry it’s so rough, you don’t deserve any of it. Their treatment of you and the breaking down of social support is infuriating.

 

[littleoc]

Great news, the week somehow got worse. But it's my fault this time so that's fine I guess. More okay

I wish I could just end my life now. I feel there's a perfect version of me that will exist if I kill this stupid current me

 

[littleoc]

What even if there to be optimistic about anymore

 

[littleoc]

Guess I'll go home (hour drive) and go back to sleep. Shouldn't have bothered going out. Didn't deserve it

Just keep making everything worse

 

[littleoc]

Cops called an ambulance on me but they couldn't take me because I refused and am not technically a danger to myself. People don't usually care unless you have the knife to your throat