Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

This is a nightmare to be honest and there just isn't a way out. I'm not even asking for an easy solution, just something to hold on to. I really feel like I've lost everything and done everything wrong

 

[littleoc]

Something I said in another PTSD group. Not sure why I'm recording it here anymore because I haven't spoken to a therapist for months now. So no need for a record to refer back to anymore. And really hate posting emotional stuff like this that makes me sound ridiculous or dramatic. Best friend really wants me to see a therapist, but. Again, not sure what a therapist would even do at this point, and I still would need to either see one who potentially cost me safe housing or go through getting a third one

I really just hate myself and don't want to keep going, so obviously people don't want to interact at this point. And obviously I have to feel weird about that, too

 

[In the weeds]

I'm sorry you are going through such hard times right now.

 

[Sideways]

I really just hate myself

I relate a lot to the self-loathing. It fuelled my own SI for over a decade, and is still something I have to live alongside.

My relationship with myself is slowly changing though. And it is the game-changer you imagine it can be. Particularly in respect to the people in my life, and pervasive depression I was battling.

I get that, having depression, means that the brain is actually unable to see things any other way. So it pretty much becomes a thing you have to take on faith - but when folks say it gets better, it gets worth it, they’re not lying. It does.

not sure what a therapist would even do at this point

Their job. Which is to help you heal from a complex mental illness than even a fully qualified expert wouldn’t be able to heal from alone.

Isolation is best buddies with depression. They feed off each other in a really sinister way. If you can, move towards opportunities to be less isolated with what you’re battling.

 

[littleoc]

I'm really glad to hear you're getting better/life's worth it

And I don't want to sound like I'm whining or being dramatic because I understand logically that I should just ignore these thoughts and take the advice. You have good advice and I recognize you're right.

But the events of these past few years are telling me otherwise. I feel, emotionally, that I've tried to get better, I got a LOT better, to the point that some therapists kept telling me I wouldn't need them, or that I could do EMDR again if I wanted to. Only to have them fire me as a client because my narcolepsy was bothering them, basically, right after I came back to them from having been in the hospital again. The previous time, before the narcolepsy was kicking my ass, they put me on this cool "after hospital" track. They also started giving me a lot of diagnoses I didn't think were accurate and saying that me disagreeing was proof I had them.

Managed to get myself to a new therapist office but the therapists and psychiatrists seem to want to fight for other clients while they leave me on hold (not that I mind that), but when it's my turn to need help they completely drop the ball. I might be homeless now because of it. I still have to wait and defend myself against a government that legitimately hates me and wants me dead to find out. So. Hopefully next week I'll know if the government still wants to house me. despite having to wait months for all the paperwork.

I'm mentally exhausted and fed up and tired of always having to pull twice my weight for things that other people can just pay for.

And I'm extremely angry at myself for getting into legal trouble over my financial limitations. I feel ashamed and stupid.

And I'm angry that I didn't notice my mom was dying. I left her in bed for a full day thinking I'd have myself a little break. I sure got my f*cking break. I miss her dearly and have been told it's not my fault and that her heart was going to give out soon regardless of sepsis. But emotionally I'm upset that I ever tried to try new boundaries with her, that I was more distant, that I was taking her for granted, that I was letting people who only heard the 1% of problems tell me that the other 99% should be thrown out and that I actually f*cking listened.

I'm just done. I'm so tired of this and everything at this point meant to help just seems to be making it worse.

Not that I disagree that I need a professional. I just. Don't really have motivation for it.

Maybe I'm tired and grumpy and dehydrated and haven't eaten a meal in several days though. Nice to have somewhere to vent it so I can go back to doing something useful that doesn't waste my time as much as my brain wants to, I guess

 

[littleoc]

The "people" who told me my mom was always in the wrong were my own therapists at the time, even

I guess I feel betrayed, but it's not like they actually personally owed me anything. Like, I understand it wasn't their fault, and I should have known better or something

But I can't undo it and I have to live with it for the rest of my life, and I'd like to do that in peace or else go ahead and finish it off. And I realize that's dramatic, and I'm probably just saying it to give myself some validation because realistically no one cares, including myself, until the knife is to my neck

The reason I had to go to the hospital before I got kicked out was because I finally managed to get a job again, in the field I was hoping for, after being hired by a friend who said she'd be happy to be the person who made it possible to get into that field of work. Only for her to basically threaten me on a daily basis, have me do her home chores and take care of her pets for her in exchange for not firing me, pay me less than minimum for 50-60 hours a week doing four people's jobs, etc. And when she started getting even worse and told me I shouldn't even be nice to myself in my brain, I went two more weeks and then tried to kill myself, and the hospital made me stay obviously.

She played very nice after that but I haven't been able to work since. Too much like childhood. Too much like being a slave, though I guess at least I wasn't expected to perform sexual this time.

President Trump probably has pictures of me performing sexually as a child. Who knows how far that stupid trafficking ring went, what with the cops involved

And yeah, got kicked out of therapy for having narcolepsy after that. -_- After a therapist who was competent left and got me a new therapist who immediately retired and didn't help with anything. In fact, again, made it worse

I'm genuinely just complaining at this point though. It feels frustrating on an emotional level to know logically I should just go back to therapy anyway, but emotionally feel like I need validation like a two years old for people being mean and unfair sometimes

 

[littleoc]

I'm genuinely sorry, not trying to be difficult. I know you're right on some level

 

[littleoc]

At least I may have my month's food stamps now. Probably going to spend it all on the holiday but it won't be the same

 

[littleoc]

Ok, going to listen to more endless streams of funny videos while I do cat litter for the next hour and maybe heat up some corn dogs or something for me and the dog to eat lol

 

[littleoc]

I haven't buried any posts in a while. Maybe should write about something else next time instead of moping

 

[One step at a time]

I'm glad you're talking about it all. It's important to articulate what's happening for us - just saying it all is hard, so it takes some courage to even look at it.

I'm mentally exhausted and fed up and tired of always having to pull twice my weight for things that other people can just pay for.

Of course! I think it's tempting to fall into "why can't I just function" when actually, this is huge. Unbelievably huge. We could just... have a functioning healthcare system. One that learned about our needs and then provided options for relevant support and care. With accessibility. It's totally possible and not utopic and in this moment, I am furious for you and for me that it doesn't exist where you are and where I am. There aren't just cracks, there are gaping holes and people getting shoved into them. And that is NOT a sign of your lack of worth.

Have I mentioned I think you're pretty great? From what I've read :)

I'm tired and grumpy and dehydrated and haven't eaten a meal in several days

This definitely has a lot to do with things. The system is screwy, and life events are hard. But I really hope you had that corn dog. Or can have it now.

I'm angry that I didn't notice my mom was dying. I left her in bed for a full day thinking I'd have myself a little break. I sure got my f*cking break. I miss her dearly and have been told it's not my fault and that her heart was going to give out soon regardless of sepsis. But emotionally I'm upset that I ever tried to try new boundaries with her

Just wanna say that regrets are a super normal part of an important person dying. So taking fault out of the equation entirely for a moment. Totally normal to be feeling some of this. And I think you mentioned OCD? which makes this stuff harder. Whatever percent of your time with your mom was good, and whatever percent wasn't.... I am glad you had the good/ better times with her. It was good that you helped her, and it was also courageous to build some boundaries. You weren't perfect, none of us are, but you did a bunch of good.

I hope you take what's useful and leave the rest And I hope you have that corn dog!

 

[littleoc]

I'm just so disgusted with myself. Starting to think the abuse I received was deserved. Even in healthy relationships I've managed to develop since then, people just end up angry at me for my problems. And I'm joining them. In another forum-thing right now talking about how much I hate myself now. How other people seem to get grace for being imperfect but things I struggle with are things I'm supposed to just get over. There's no room for me anywhere these days and I regret surviving.

I'm sorry. I'm so tired of trying. I regret making this account thinking I'd get better. I was for a while and that is good enough.