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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

Just every minute I'm aware of the world hurts. I don't drink or do drugs, but I sleep 16 to 20 hours a day and it's getting worse and I have to redo the sleeping tests because the company who was supposed to help with equipment took too long. A year wasted. Still sleeping the days ago. When I started this journal that wasn't happening to me but it is now, and honestly who even cares. I at this point would be in hell constantly if I weren't sleeping my life away. And when I'm awake I'm listening to podcasts and funny lists and whatever else. I just can't forgive myself. I don't want to be here. I don't want to exist. I hope I fall back asleep soon.

Been alone all day. Was with my brother a bit but I put on a normal face for everyone. Including my best friend now.

Talked voluntarily to a therapist at my doctor's office. Let her listen to me. She said something about grief, things being hard, and putting myself into some sort of box. I was too sleepy to remember anything specific by the time I got home. I just remember feeling hopeless. Like how is this lady or any other going to make life okay anymore.

The fact that I was hopeful for a while is worse. How many years was that. I think that work started when I was 12 or 13. Therapists used to love me for my optimism and drive. Had a few hiccups that landed me in hospitals several times. including one which had me taking medical leave from college for a semester. Probably somewhere in this journal, I don't know.

Got the final bonk to the head in 2017. Started to suck after that. Everything got worse after that. Couldn't keep a job. Maybe the wrong fields. The wrong bosses and tons of ablism and incompetence.

And now there's nothing left.

So I guess most my life was spent on trying to get better. And then never getting there enough for society. And getting worse in one particular way that has ruined everything

I told my best friend that I wish he hadn't talked me out of going to the hospital months ago, before my mom died. He didnt see it I don't think. I wish I hadn't said it though. I'm not sure what difference that would have made.

Might have saved my mom though. I miss her so much. I hate myself so much.

Just thinking about all this because I keep remembering thst I planned to kill myself after Nestle's death. I decided not to for now because cats are relying on me. And bird. Etc.

And it made me have to sit here and think about how no part of my life is worth living. I do not like living and I have not for years. My entire life I've thought about what dying feels like. Even in the times I said I was getting better, I wanted to kill myself. I just know to hesitate for everyone else and push it out.

And mainly I wanted to kill myself on some sort of high note.

And somehow not traumatize people.

I did some art and then started at it and kept crying anyway earlier. So looked up what makes humans happy. It wasnt enlightening. That stupid Google ai used all the water in south Texas to say nothing in particular. shit about relationships, obviously, and good health and environmental stuff.

I used to make friends easily and now I'm all alone. I've got my breaking point many times over and found out I'm an asshole and I am sorry but it doesn't even matter anymore.

What could that stupid therapist do to help in the slightest? I'd be talking resources away from people who actually need support. I know what I did. There's no forgiving it.

I'm supposed to see more doctors tomorrow. I'm doubtful anything helpful will get done, to be honest. curious if I'll f*ck up again and be sent home with nothing again. Haven't been able to do anything medical correctly because of this stupid f*cking sleep problem. Would be better to drift off into death.

If three strangers at the funeral home and two siblings and I all saw my mom's ghost, and permanently changed the thoughts I have about afterlife shit, then I can only hope there's something after enough that I'll see her again one day in one form or another. And Nestle. And the several cats and other critters lost recently.

So far I've lived most my life with Nestle in it. More than half. Not sure I want to go further without her but will for now.

Hope I sleep soon
 
Sitting with you. I know I won't be able to find the right words, but I just want to say that you are valued, and you are deserving of support, and I hear you.
littleoc said:
Haven't been able to do anything medical correctly because of this stupid f*cking sleep problem.
Click to expand...
This is not your fault. That receptionist should have been understanding, but they weren't. And I'm sorry they got angry with you, and made you feel at fault for something outside your control.

I am holding hope for you that you will get some more restful sleep soon.
 
I am recalling now how I missed my ex at first and was angry at her only because I didn't want her to hate me. I didn't want her to blame me for everything that happened. But felt it was my fault.

There is some reality where I almost think we would've been fine and not as toxic if she hadn't encouraged my delusions. Or fed into them, guess we can't know what she did or didn't believe. regardless of how many adults wouldn't help because she couldn't possibly be as delusional as I was. (If she even was.)

But that ignores how cruel she was. How she viewed me as a weirdo who was a chore.

Thought of it for a second just now. Didn't want to forget so now it's here.

Most of the day, didn't think about her, once again haven't in a while, it's just that I had a dream about it this morning (afternoon?) and without Nestle i just have the full nightmares now I guess.

I hope she wasn't worried at all about what I'd do without her. I hope she knows I was planning to get another dog to help relieve her of stresses. I just never got to. not that I was relying on her as much as I was relying on a real life friend, though, so hopefully she thinks my friend is taking care of all her duties, since she was retired and all
 

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