Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Having another breakdown my ex would've been happy to call me stupid and entitled for. Thought I was over shit like this but apparently I'm just as stupid now as I was then

 

[littleoc]

I wanted to be like Lion but I'm just a joke

 

[littleoc]

I'm sorry y'all keep trying to be supportive and spend time helping and I keep just being like this

 

[littleoc]

Showered and going to bed. Sorry about the outburst

 

[bellbird]

Starting to think the abuse I received was deserved.

You did not deserve any of what happened to you. I know our brains can tell us such things, but you did not deserve it.

I'm so sorry everything feels so awful right now. When everything is too much, I think going back to basics is really important. How are you doing with food and water?

Small steps. You are a wonderful human being. We care.

 

[Rose White]

Echoing bellbird here. I’m sorry it’s so hard and you are a lovely human in spite of all this crap you have to deal with—it’s not fair.

Lion was an amazing human and he taught a lot of us about grace and dignity and especially forgiveness and love. I wish I could be like him too but I’m so far from it. Imagining what he might say to you right now—probably just lots of love and hugs.

 

[littleoc]

Sorry for the delay. I am doing a little better now, thank you

When everything is too much, I think going back to basics is really important. How are you doing with food and water?

Water, good, once I get up for a while. Food, fair. My diet has slipped back into a lot of foods that aren't healthy in the quantities it would take for a day's worth of calories. Lots of sugars. Cake bites and candy, mostly. I did make an actual meal today as a sort of reward (and because I had the energy) of Pacific white fish, rice, carrots, and sweet potato.

Diet is better than what it became in July, though. For a few weeks I didn't eat at all unless someone else made food, but after a month or so I switched to eating fast food once a day or so. Now I'm at around one meal every day or two, depending on how much I sleep, mostly.

And then snacking for the rest of the time I'm awake. Which is an average of 5-8 hours a day.

So that is good. It's become difficult to cook. At first it was because I was claustrophobic in the kitchen and afraid of hearing my mom be in pain as she walked around. Or tried to. Versus now when I cook or bake I have to open cabinets and see all the plans she had for July. It genuinely broke me down for several minutes to see two cans of black olives in the cabinet in front of the rice because I know she was planning to make "mexican casserole" (a dish we all know isn't from Mexico but we never even thought about renaming it) and teach my little brother how to make it.

She also planned a hotdog dinner and stuffed shells and spaghetti and sausage and bell peppers in penne. I know her recipes well and I see the ingredients she bought for July and it feels like it squeezes the blood out of my heart and the air out of my lungs.

I feel I took her for granted and I wish I had told her more often how much she means to me. The guilt is killing me

And I'm still in her house for now so of course signs of her life are everywhere, except for her actual presence. There will never be anyone else like her

I just hope I wasn't mean to her

But anyway yes. I am eating. Food is improving. She showed her love through gifts and by making big meals to bring the entire family together. She was always the life of the party

 

[littleoc]

Thank you

 

[littleoc]

I realized thanksgiving party wouldn't happen without me, as my siblings were very devastated (my mom is always the life of the party), so I planned to finish all my shopping this week (food stamps finally happened, hate the context but whatever), and make the feast myself, even if it was just for me and my little brother and my doggo.

First thing that happened is I almost lost the ability to see my psychiatrist. Woke up too tired to drive. Narcolepsy again. Receptionist literally got angry with me and told me I would never be allowed back if I didn't come today. I told her I would fall asleep while driving and I didn't know until I woke up that this would happen. She told me, "Well you better try."

So drove an hour. Bestie in the car. Made it 6 minutes late due to traffic, managed to stay awake though , which is great. But my psychiatrist apologized and said he couldn't take me because his next client was already in.

So I asked the receptionist if I could please get a note in my account because driving an hour while I could barely stay awake meant that I was now dysfunctional and would be behind an entire day on cooking the feast I planned.

I don't remember the conversation because I had to go sit down and close my eyes. Literally was shaking with exhaustion. my best friend finished the conversation, but I can't remember what he told me right now. did confirm that that receptionist I talked to on the phone wasn't the one in the physical office, though.

Case manager found out somehow I was in the building and came and got me. she listened and gave me more hotline numbers. we worked on my suicide prevention plan after I told her how it's been going. She said getting another new therapist wouldn't be weird.

Promptly fell asleep in my car for hours. Not while driving though. Best friend can't drive so he was chilling in the passenger seat waiting for me to be okay, basically.

Which meant that yesterday, Wednesday, I now planned on sleeping as well as I could at home and cooking two days worth of food in one day. But I was determined.

And I did do it. Thanksgiving is the biggest holiday for my family. At least in my mom's honor I was going to do it. Not to thank native people obviously. Would happily give them their countries back etc but. Yeah not related discussions

Point is I did it. Managed to be on time, in that by 5am, I was finished with two days of cooking in about 14 hours. My brain was getting foggy and I was starting to get messy, but I f*cking did it.

Plan was to wake up at 5am to bake the brined turkey. I finished the last food item at 5:15am, had the turkey ready for oven at 6:15am.

Had the choice to check it every 30 mins to make sure I didn't overcook her, or nap for four hours.

I napped for four hours.

I noticed all night that doggo didn't feel well. She didn't eat her dinner. She allowed the cats to eat her food without getting upset. She didn't try to eat the cat puke on the carpet.

I got all the food to my sister's on time. My brother got there to make his thing he decided to make. I had to tell him the bad news.

Took Nestle to the ER -- she wasn't peeing. Vet told her end would feel sudden. She never said it'd be on a holiday.

Got back after she got her wings. Dinner was 6 hours late. Nestle never got any.

She did get chocolate though. Didn't see why not.

It was incredibly peaceful. She was relieved to not be in pain. She hasn't been able to give her normal kisses all week. She gave one more as the pain stopped. genuinely happy to relax.

Glad I napped and let the turkey be more overdone. Glad I napped with noodle one more time.

Told her to say hi to my mom for me.

She was 120 in dog years. I hope overall she knew I loved her. love her.

Still had the feast though. It was good and it was nice to be with my siblings and best friend after that.

looking forward to resting. Feeling devastated and thankful for food and such at the same time and miss my mom but glad she didn't have to view this death as another painful thing in her life. For my mom it's a reunion

 

[littleoc]

I can't capture the feeling in words. Awful though. Awful

But happy I made the feast

But. Wrong

 

[littleoc]

The helplessness of trying to make things work in the face of everything. Just everything. Surviving when an earthquake just swept 20,000 lives into the sea. sitting in the storm shelter listening to the wind wipe the city bare. Watching a car flip several times in front of you. Being alone with a friend in the devastating quiet afterwards.

Dramatic but. at least the turkey dinner helped lighten the feeling for a while. So it doesn't have to be so intense all the way back to our room. glad it worked out despite the everything else.

Have to leave her body in the car tonight. Feels weird and wrong but she wouldn't have minded.

 

[In the weeds]

Feeling happy and sad for you at the same time. I'm glad you were able to get through making the turkey and getting everything together.