BPD How can you trust people? (BPD)

[HollowLavender]

I

Any in-person support groups in your area? Or any interest groups whose jib you like the cut of?

I hate groups I can't trust anyone. Not really most of my hobbies are solo stuff and I don't show anyone because they'd just make fun of me or judge me

 

[No More]

I have some thoughts here, they might be a bit hard.

Are you asking reasonable things of your friends? As in, are you keeping a firm line as friends and not really overwhelming them with stuff that needs to be dealt with and talked through by professionals?

I generally find most people are reasonable. Maybe start slow build friendships. Start with smaller things. Don’t worry about trust, that comes with time and relationships. You can have very meaningful relationships with people and still not trust them with your darkest secrets.

Thirdly, self harm is an exceptionally difficult thing for people to wrap their head around. I’m saying this out of care, as someone who did it for 20 years. It wasn’t something I disclosed to anyone, outside of professionals. And I’ve had friends disclose to me and it’s just incredibly hard to deal with. Sometimes people feel so helpless, they have to step away. It doesn’t mean they don’t care, sometimes it just means they care so much that they can’t witness it.

Are you getting help? A lot of this are things a therapist and maybe DBT can help you see & hold.

 

[HollowLavender]

I have some thoughts here, they might be a bit hard.

Are you asking reasonable things of your friends? As in, are you keeping a firm line as friends and not really overwhelming them with stuff that needs to be dealt with and talked through by professionals?

I generally find most people are reasonable. Maybe start slow build friendships. Start with smaller things. Don’t worry about trust, that comes with time and relationships. You can have very meaningful relationships with people and still not trust them with your darkest secrets.

Thirdly, self harm is an exceptionally difficult thing for people to wrap their head around. I’m saying this out of care, as someone who did it for 20 years. It wasn’t something I disclosed to anyone, outside of professionals. And I’ve had friends disclose to me and it’s just incredibly hard to deal with. Sometimes people feel so helpless, they have to step away. It doesn’t mean they don’t care, sometimes it just means they care so much that they can’t witness it.

Are you getting help? A lot of this are things a therapist and maybe DBT can help you see & hold.

They tell me they want to help and they want to listen then I tell them and they leave. I don't understand what they want to hear and don't. If you say you want to help them back out don't offer to help it's just a lie at that point. If they push and push then back out I just stop opening up then they get mad.

People are not reasonable they are lying manipulative bastards that try to fix people into what they want not what other person wants. They want you to fit into a mold and if you don't they throw you away.

They push me to talk about it when they see my scars and cuts. I had a thatpist then I tried to go into a IOP and that was a bunch of stupid assholes who weren't trustworthy and I'm not opening up about my assaults to a bunch of strangers so now my old thatpist can't see me and I'm trying to find a new one.

 

[PamelaS]

I keep being burned by people who are supposedly my friends but they leave they all leave. What's the point in trusting people if they inevitably end up abandoned you? I have had so many friends try to help me they view me as something to be fixed like I'm damaged and then I try and I open up and they act so proud of the work they did because their such good people for taking in this wreak and making her something of value and the moment you show any sign of mental issues they throw you away because your not worth keeping. Why would I trust anyone? I don't get how people can honestly believe anyone can be trusted when that's the risk? It's a gamble and it never happens they all leave and I'm supposed to just ignore the past? I won't let others decide when I'm in pain. I cut because I control when I bleed I control when I am in pain I am not going to let other people decide when they throw me away anymore I won't be thrown away again.

I hear you. I have been thrown away and rejected all of my life. 63 years. I have learned that the only people that I can trust are the ones who are just like me. Anyone who hasn’t walked this road that we have walked doesn’t have the right to be in my life. Been there.. Done that. Not ever doing it again. Stick with the people who understand what you’ve been through because they’ve been through it themselves. They are the only ones you can trust. Wishing you well. Thanks for reaching out out.

 

[Sideways]

They tell me they want to help and they want to listen then I tell them and they leave. I

Tbh, I think when folks tell you they want to listen, they often genuinely mean it.

But, it’s a bit like saying you want the really hot one the first time you eat at an Indian restaurant. You don’t actually realise what you’re asking for. How could you possibly know what the ‘really hot’ dish is actually like…until you have and you’re like, “ooh ek, too hot! Waaaay too hot!”

In most instances, I think it comes from a good place. But people don’t really know what they’re offering to hear, and sit with, when they make these platitudes.

There are spaces specifically designed to be okay with it. Places like this one, your T’s office - there’s a range of options.

But when someone tells you they’re ready to listen - if they haven’t been there themselves, or been trained how to hear it? They probably won’t cope well, or respond appropriately.

Responding appropriately, and compassionately, and helpfully, is something a good T has had years of training in. It doesn’t come naturally or instinctively. And there’s no amount of genuinely caring can bring about the skill it takes.

They want you to fit into a mold and if you don't they throw you away.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but find new people! Because yes, people do have molds - types of people they get along easier with.

But the range of molds out there is almost infinite! If you don’t fit their mold, you will fit someone else’s:)

 

[gorgonzola]

But, it’s a bit like saying you want the really hot one the first time you eat at an Indian restaurant. You don’t actually realise what you’re asking for. How could you possibly know what the ‘really hot’ dish is actually like…until you have and you’re like, “ooh ek, too hot! Waaaay too hot!”

I live in the upper midwestern USA, but I didn't grow up here. "Spicy" dishes in restaurants are calibrated to local palates, and "spicy" here means "you can just about taste the first thought of the merest possibility of making the dish hot". Hence when I order food I want to be able to tell is intended to come with a little zing, I have to order it "spicy" or "hot" otherwise I'm not sure I'd notice.

It is also desperately important for me to recalibrate my restaurant expectations whenever I'm visiting almost any other corner of the planet, for there are few palates as bland as those found in the upper midwestern USA.

(That's both literally true and intended to extend the metaphor).

 

[RVA21]

I hear you. I have been thrown away and rejected all of my life. 63 years. I have learned that the only people that I can trust are the ones who are just like me. Anyone who hasn’t walked this road that we have walked doesn’t have the right to be in my life. Been there.. Done that. Not ever doing it again. Stick with the people who understand what you’ve been through because they’ve been through it themselves. They are the only ones you can trust. Wishing you well. Thanks for reaching out out.

This is what I've found too. I've given up on most people, it's a waste of time.

 

[whiteraven]

I don't know if I can handle it anymore. It hurts so much it doesn't seem worth it anymore. I just want to find a place where it can just be me and a dog and f*ck friends people are to fickle to trust. I don't get how people do it.

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say you are not alone here. I have struggled with people for years--and not just friends, but even moreso "professionals"--and it really has not gotten better. Esp. with the "professionals." I'm now at the point where I limit my contact to superficial and brief interactions, and I spend tons of time with my cats. I also have a crazy schedule, but I do volunteer for a couple of organizations. There are all sorts of things you can do with rescues, even on your off time. Walking and reading to dogs, socializing dogs and cats, helping at adoption events, doing social media, etc...

Sorry you're feeling so bad!