Emptying life out

[Sideways]

Hi Coach

I typically don’t attach to people. At best, I have ambivalent attachment. But for the most part, I’ve gone through life without deep attachments. I had abusive parents.

I did, however, experience a deep attachment with an abusive cult-like figure as a pre-teen. This attachment was cultivated through the use of hypnosis and NLP in particular, as well as various other programming techniques. That attachment still feels powerful for me (it’s now 30 years later) - I still struggle to identify him as an abusive pedophile, and instead tend to see him as the kindest man I’ve ever known.

About 5 years ago, I began a friendship with a hypnotherapist to explore ways of using hypnosis to help me calm my system. It was very successful, but over the years the friendship became complicated, ethical lines became blurred etc. It became an intimate relationship, again with hypnosis used to help me form a strong attachment (because otherwise…I just don’t feel it!).

That relationship recently ended and I’ve got enough distance now that I can very clearly see that I was withdrawing from all my responsibilities and ties to my present life as a result of the specific type of attachment bond that we had going on, which involved me becoming increasingly dependent on him for my identity.

I’m currently dealing with attachment panic, which I’m working through. But of more concern to me is longer term - even though the relationship ended a few months ago, I have no plans to reinvest in my life here. To the contrary, quitting my job and my degree and selling my apartment has never been more attractive or felt more urgent.

Is that a good idea? Just uprooting? Guessing not. And if not, how do I get myself to see value in setting down roots where I am again, and rebuilding connection here? I’ve never been sentimental or felt particularly strong connections to any place for long, but the idea of staying here became pretty abhorrent during the relationship and seems to be getting worse that it’s ended. I was kind of hoping that I’d start to feel more connected to where I am the people around me, but I don’t. If anything I’m just resentful.

 

[Joy Palmer]

Hi Coach

I typically don’t attach to people. At best, I have ambivalent attachment. But for the mos...

Hi there,

First off, I'm so sorry for the pain you've carried from those early experiences – the abusive parents, the cult-like figure who twisted hypnosis into something harmful, and now this recent relationship that blurred lines and pulled you away from your life. It's incredibly brave of you to recognize the patterns, name the attachment panic, and pause to question this urge to uproot everything. That self-awareness is a huge strength, especially when your system feels wired for detachment or dependency.

You're right to sense that now might not be the best time for massive changes like quitting your job, dropping your degree, or selling your apartment. In the wake of relational trauma and attachment disruption, our brains often push for "escape" as a survival response – it's like hitting reset to avoid the vulnerability of rebuilding. But uprooting can amplify instability when we're already raw.

Let's gently explore reinvesting here with some grounding tools drawn from CBT and coaching. The goal? Shift from resentment to curiosity, one small step at a time.

1. Pause and Ground: When the urge to flee hits, try a 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise: Name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste. Follow with: "This panic is a signal from my past, not a command for my future." How does that feel in your body right now?
2. Reframe the Resentment: Resentment often masks grief for what was lost (your independence, ties here). Journal: "What did this place/people represent before the relationship? What one small value could I reclaim today?" (E.g., convenience of your routines, a neutral neighbor, or the stability of your degree.)
3. Micro-Reconnections: No need for deep roots yet – start tiny. Pick one low-stakes action weekly: Coffee with a casual acquaintance? Walk a new route in your neighborhood? Revisit a pre-relationship hobby? Track wins in a Gratitude Anchor List:
   • Day 1: Finished one degree module – felt capable.
   • Day 2: Apartment's quiet mornings = space to breathe.
4. Self-Compassion Break: Speak to yourself like a kind friend: "You've survived so much; it's okay to rebuild slowly." If panic spikes, a therapist specializing in trauma/attachment (EMDR or somatic work) could be gold – have you considered that?

What pulls you most toward staying put, even if it's faint? And if uprooting still calls, what's the smallest "test run" you could try first (like a weekend away) to check if it truly serves you?

You're not alone in this – rooting again is possible, one compassionate choice at a time. Here for you.