Hope vs acceptance re trauma and PTSD

[Ecdysis]

So, today, for the first time, I felt really deep that I'm never going to get "rid" of this trauma in this lifetime. No.matter how much therapy I throw at it or how hard I work or how much I try to overcome it.

Strangely, it doesn't feel primarily like a defeat - tho there is that too - but also a sense of acceptance and relief, that I can stop struggling to get rid of it.

I remember as a kid, I had that naive hope that kids have of "when I get out of this trauma, everything will be okay".

It wasn't of course. I didn't realise that getting out of the traumatic situation didn't = everything is okay, because of course you carry the tauma inside you, and getting the trauma inside to leave is a million times harder than leaving the traumatic situation.

I'm glad I didn't realise that as a kid... I think I'd not have had enough hope or courage to keep surviving...

And then as an adult... Realising at some point... Oh crap, there's this thing called PTSD and oh crap, I have it...

Then too, this naive hope that if I do "a whole ton of gruelling trauma therapy" then when I'm done, the trauma will be gone...

And that too did not happen... I'm sure that some trauma can resolve like that... Maybe single incident traumas...

But when you grow up in trauma... when it's woven into the way your nervous system developed, then it's always going to be a part of who you are...

Maybe I can accept that now, as I'm aging... That I can stop masking my PTSD in social situations... That I can stop the struggle to get rid of it... Maybe I can be gentle with myself and compassionate about trauma being part of who I am and part of my life and part of what I deal with every day and every night from when I was born until I will die...

And paradoxically, giving it that room, could mean it actually defines me less.. . Because I'm no longer in a constant struggle with it...

 

[Monica Jones]

This post truly speaks to me. After 45 years of therapy and medications, accepting the results in my life is a bit of a relief. At 70, I am having even more trouble. Bless all of us with PTSD/trauma

 

[arfie]

as a child, i also believed in leprechauns and fairies. i still do, sorta, but not even my bestest fairy godmothers have the power to rewrite the past. done is done. gone is gone.

paradoxically, giving it that room, could mean it actually defines me less.. . Because I'm no longer in a constant struggle with it...

this has proven true in my own case. the resources i childishly invested in attempting to rewrite the past has been better spent living a better here and now. ditto for masking my symptoms in order to fit in. being honest about those symptoms has opened the door to discovering compassion my child self didn't believe humans were capable of.

 

[Grasping Hope]

I can relate to a lot of what you say. Thank you for writing it. Especially this part:

I didn't realise that getting out of the traumatic situation didn't = everything is okay, because of course you carry the tauma inside you, and getting the trauma inside to leave is a million times harder than leaving the traumatic situation.

There are a few people in my life right now who I wish would understand this!

I get it, I think. It's not a giving in, it's a self-acceptance. You don't have to be the way you would have been without the trauma, to be a valuable person.

I'm curious about the part about not having to mask PTSD in social situations. How is that going? I find masking so exhausting that I avoid social situations. I dream about how different it would be not to have to, but very few people in my life have any understanding at all that would make that possible. I'd love to know how you're managing this aspect.

 

[Monica Jones]

I can relate to a lot of what you say. Thank you for writing it. Especially this part:

There are a few people in my life right now who I wish would understand this!

I get it, I think. It's not a giving in, it's a self-acceptance. You don't have to be the way you would have been without the trauma, to be a valuable person.

I'm curious about the part about not having to mask PTSD in social situations. How is that going? I find masking so exhausting that I avoid social situations. I dream about how different it would be not to have to, but very few people in my life have any understanding at all that would make that possible. I'd love to know how you're managing this aspect.

Dear Grasping Hope. You are posting some profound statements this morning. It is clear that you have been suffering from the aftermath of trauma for all of your life. Thank you for sharing many of those thoughts.

I, like you, left the house for college 50 years ago. I was immensely happy, convinced that I had served my time and could start living.

The first serious depression episode happened 2 years later. The periods of depression worsened and became more frequent throughout my life.

When my alcoholic abusive mother received terminal lung cancer diagnosis 20 yrs after I left home, everything regressed to the early years. She destroyed my relationships with my siblings.

At 70, in the midst of another intractable episode, I look on my life with extreme sorrow. Never married. No children. And very good long term friends ghosting me or making such painful comments that I have to distance.

I also am tired of these comments. I believe they place me in a defensive position and poison the friendship. Either you speak up - and risk being labeled too sensitive or over reactive - or say nothing. Then the most insidious poison infects the friendship.

You also stated that your vision going forward had changed. Mine has as well. I will not hurt myself but also will not undergo painful surgeries and treatment to “get well”. I have had several surgeries in last 15 years. Enough. I just want to enjoy a somewhat peaceful existence for what time I have left.

I try to keep my side of the street clean. I turn inward more often.

Again, thank you so much for your lovely posts.

 

[Rose White]

Also trying to accept from time to time these days.

 

[Grasping Hope]

Dear Grasping Hope. You are posting some profound statements this morning. It is clear that you have been suffering from the aftermath of trauma for all of your life. Thank you for sharing many of those thoughts.

I, like you, left the house for college 50 years ago. I was immensely happy, convinced that I had served my time and could start living.

The first serious depression episode happened 2 years later. The periods of depression worsened and became more frequent throughout my life.

When my alcoholic abusive mother received terminal lung cancer diagnosis 20 yrs after I left home, everything regressed to the early years. She destroyed my relationships with my siblings.

At 70, in the midst of another intractable episode, I look on my life with extreme sorrow. Never married. No children. And very good long term friends ghosting me or making such painful comments that I have to distance.

I also am tired of these comments. I believe they place me in a defensive position and poison the friendship. Either you speak up - and risk being labeled too sensitive or over reactive - or say nothing. Then the most insidious poison infects the friendship.

You also stated that your vision going forward had changed. Mine has as well. I will not hurt myself but also will not undergo painful surgeries and treatment to “get well”. I have had several surgeries in last 15 years. Enough. I just want to enjoy a somewhat peaceful existence for what time I have left.

I try to keep my side of the street clean. I turn inward more often.

Again, thank you so much for your lovely posts.

Yes... sorrow. I get it. I've heard others express similar feelings when they reach old age and realize what will never be.

It sounds like not exposing yourself to hurtful comments by isolating is your strategy to not have to mask. Have you ever had the experience of being around people who understood, so you could let the mask down? I have... just a little. It's hard to express what a relief that is. I don't have that in my life now, though.

My experience is a little different, since my trauma is from ritual abuse and mind control and started from birth, I was amnesic about what had happened to me until my early forties. It's possible that while the trauma was going on I was counting the days to get away, I don't remember. The part I was not amnesic about was a generally dysfunctional family that neglected me emotionally. I do remember thinking "when I grow up, I won't pass this on" even though at the time I had no idea how big the "this" I was referring to was.

What I look back on and think "if only I'd known" is more about the start of my healing process. Being new to self-exploration and therapy, I believed the therapists and the books I was reading when they told me "use this method and your life will get better." I don't want to discourage people just starting out: sometimes, it actually happens that way. In my case, it hasn't. The effects of the trauma are still very much part of my life in spite of all the work I've done, and that has really done a number on my self-esteem. At this point, working on myself is not about the trauma per se so much as building a new sense of self based on who I really am, not on anyone's judgement.

I wish you peace and contentment for the rest of your journey. Truly, from my heart.

 

[Monica Jones]

Yes... sorrow. I get it. I've heard others express similar feelings when they reach old age and realize what will never be.

It sounds like not exposing yourself to hurtful comments by isolating is your strategy to not have to mask. Have you ever had the experience of being around people who understood, so you could let the mask down? I have... just a little. It's hard to express what a relief that is. I don't have that in my life now, though.

My experience is a little different, since my trauma is from ritual abuse and mind control and started from birth, I was amnesic about what had happened to me until my early forties. It's possible that while the trauma was going on I was counting the days to get away, I don't remember. The part I was not amnesic about was a generally dysfunctional family that neglected me emotionally. I do remember thinking "when I grow up, I won't pass this on" even though at the time I had no idea how big the "this" I was referring to was.

What I look back on and think "if only I'd known" is more about the start of my healing process. Being new to self-exploration and therapy, I believed the therapists and the books I was reading when they told me "use this method and your life will get better." I don't want to discourage people just starting out: sometimes, it actually happens that way. In my case, it hasn't. The effects of the trauma are still very much part of my life in spite of all the work I've done, and that has really done a number on my self-esteem. At this point, working on myself is not about the trauma per se so much as building a new sense of self based on who I really am, not on anyone's judgement.

I wish you peace and contentment for the rest of your journey. Truly, from my heart.

Thank you for your beautiful post. A few times I have had relationships with nonjudgmental people. I think I try to be honest without testing waters first.

I have learned to appreciate my own company.