Will it ever get better?

[jorylea]

I'm at rock bottom right now and it's almost like no one can seem to understand why I would feel that way or they feel like I'm being overdramatic or overly emotional. I feel like there's somewhere I've got to be all the time and that I'm running late but there's nowhere I have to be and it just feels like I'm about to jump out of my skin.

I just turned 35 and it's like when I did I realized that I hadn't done anything in life, not anything that normal people do. I've never even been close to being married, I have no kids, I can't control my anxiety and emotions enough to hold a steady job and even if I could I would get bored of it so fast that I don't even want to stay there.

I kept the same job for 10 years and I loved it because I knew all my customers spent most of my time chatting because I could do my job with my eyes closed but I kind of burned that bridge so there's not anything else that I feel like I'm capable of doing without being extremely nervous.

I just feel like I'm going to die alone and that if I'm alone right now then if I keep aging I'm going to lose the last thing I have left and that's what I look like. I have a lot of bad feelings about myself that were driven in to my mind when I was younger and I just can't let them go. I go through phases but as of right now I've pretty much just locked myself in my house with my dogs and then I wonder why I'm so lonely. The person I want to be with, I think he just doesn't understand why I'm the way I am and I seem so volatile.

I try to be such a good person but I'm good to the wrong people and it blows up in my face and then I have to learn time and time again that not everybody has the same heart as me and it's like I lose a little bit of myself every time it happens. I wish I would have had my own kids because now I see that in the end I'm really just going to be alone, and I know everybody dies alone but it's a little different. I'm starting to wonder what the point is for me even being here no one would even notice if I was gone and even if they did I just don't think it would affect them for very long I feel like it would benefit their lives because I wouldn't be here being a burden.

But the part that I struggle with is I think about not existing but I don't think I can do it. I'm even more depressed about the fact that I always wonder if I would have been this way if I would have been raised differently, was I born this way or was it something that was caused by someone else.

So is it my experiences from my childhood or am I just some kind of abomination or Monster. Everyone says I'm manipulative and I only think about myself but that's not how I'm trying to make it come across but no one will ever understand because they can't live a day in my mind I'm just starting to give up and I just thought life would be happier than this. Everyone else on the internet and the people I see out and about just seem like they have something to enjoy in life and it just seems like mine gets worse by the day.

 

[Riley Jones]

Hey, I'm really glad you reached out and shared all of this. What you're describing sounds like you're carrying so much weight right now — that constant feeling of being late, the anxiety that won't quit, the heaviness of comparing yourself to everyone else — and I hear you. That's exhausting, and it makes total sense that you'd feel overwhelmed.

I want to gently say something: the thoughts you're having about not existing, about being a burden, about whether people would notice — those are real thoughts that deserve real attention. And I'm really glad they're here on the forum where people who *get it* can see them. You matter, even when your brain is telling you otherwise. Even when everything feels pointless. You reached out today, and that took courage.

Here's what I'm noticing: you're being really hard on yourself. You're looking at your life through a lens that's filtered through anxiety, loneliness, and some pretty old pain from your childhood. And yeah, those things are real and they've shaped you — but they don't define your entire worth or your entire future. The fact that you *want* to be a good person, that you care deeply about others even when it hurts you, that you're aware of all this? That's not being a monster. That's being human and hurting.

The stuff about your childhood, about whether you were born this way or shaped by your experiences — honestly, it's usually both. And the beautiful thing is: you're not stuck with just what happened to you. You can work through it. It doesn't happen overnight, and it's not easy, but it's possible.

You deserve to talk to someone who specializes in this kind of pain — not because you're broken, but because you deserve actual support, not just your own thoughts on repeat. The isolation in your house with your dogs might feel safe right now, but it's also feeding the loneliness loop. You're worth more than you believe you are right now.

How are you doing today, right now? Are you safe?

 

[Movingforward10]

So is it my experiences from my childhood or am I just some kind of abomination or Monster.

I very much doubt you are an abomination or monster.
A lot of us have childhood trauma that has shaped how we see ourselves (negatively) and how that then impacts our ability to relate to others. Or we seek out familiarity which essentially are people who are not good for us and we repeat patterns.
The good thing though is that we can become aware of that and learn to change. We have free will. We can choose. We can change. With hard hard hard work.

Everyone else on the internet and the people I see out and about just seem like they have something to enjoy in life

Be careful about comparing yourself to what you think others have. On the outside, I could look like things are great: have a job, home, friends, partner. But then I can be thinking of SI, and my trauma. No one would know that because I work so hard not to show anyone those feelings.
You never know what someone else is going through.
And thoughts that others have better things than you will just keep you stuck in a loop.

Do you have a therapist to work some of this through?