Overcoming guilt from being a potential COCSA perpetrator

[user57526]

Hello. I’m experiencing tremendous guilt for something I did in the 11-13 age range. I was babysitting a toddler (2-3) I think. I was helping him change clothes one day when I very briefly explored his genitals. Not really in a sexual way, but in an exploratory way. It was very brief, a few seconds at the most. I feel certain he doesn’t remember it. His parents were always vigilant in asking if he had ever been touched inappropriately. How do I move on from the guilt? I feel like a monster who should be in prison. Do I deserve to just let it go and move on with my life?

 

[Movingforward10]

Do you have PTSD?

You can't undo the past. It sounds like you put your curiosity above the welfare of that child in that moment. The impact on the child is an unknown for you (it might not be anything, or it might have been a lot, who knows).
It sounds like you have never done it since?

How do you accept it? I don't know if you are an adult now or still a child. Can you get some therapy to help you come to terms with it and let the past go?

 

[Rose White]

Hi, it sounds like what you did was from a place of curiosity and what if that modeled for him that it’s ok to be curious about your body. I would not call that COCSA and you are definitely not a monster in my eyes.

 

[user57526]

Hi, it sounds like what you did was from a place of curiosity and what if that modeled for him that it’s ok to be curious about your body. I would not call that COCSA and you are definitely not a monster in my eyes.

So am I okay just to move on and say it wasn’t COCSA? Because if it was I feel like to need to right the wrong somehow…

 

[user57526]

Do you have PTSD?

You can't undo the past. It sounds like you put your curiosity above the welfare of that child in that moment. The impact on the child is an unknown for you (it might not be anything, or it might have been a lot, who knows).
It sounds like you have never done it since?

How do you accept it? I don't know if you are an adult now or still a child. Can you get some therapy to help you come to terms with it and let the past go?

Yes, I am now an adult. Not sure if I have PTSD, but I wonder if maybe I struggle with OCD. My struggle is, was it COCSA? If so, how do I right the wrong? Should I report myself? Or can I just say it’s a childish mistake in the past and move on? What if the child is hurt?

 

[Rose White]

wonder if maybe I struggle with OCD

If you have OCD with intrusive thoughts no amount of reassurance from others will help you, in fact it will just feed the anxiety. You are worth professional help not just opinions from strangers on the internet. OCD? PTSD? None of us on here are qualified to provide you with that information. Put your mind at ease and find a provider to talk to.

 

[Movingforward10]

Yes, I am now an adult. Not sure if I have PTSD, but I wonder if maybe I struggle with OCD. My struggle is, was it COCSA? If so, how do I right the wrong? Should I report myself? Or can I just say it’s a childish mistake in the past and move on? What if the child is hurt?

This is a PTSD forum. A place for people with PTSD or to support people with PTSD. You don't need to be diagnosed to be on the site, but it doesn't sound, from what you have shared that you have PTSD or trauma that may cause it.

I get you are struggling, but maybe finding a place to explore that in therapy is a better place than a PTSD forum where people have endured COCSA?

 

[user57526]

This is a PTSD forum. A place for people with PTSD or to support people with PTSD. You don't need to be diagnosed to be on the site, but it doesn't sound, from what you have shared that you have PTSD or trauma that may cause it.

I get you are struggling, but maybe finding a place to explore that in therapy is a better place than a PTSD forum where people have endured COCSA?

Makes sense. I apologize for coming to the wrong place.

 

[KA60]

Yes, I am now an adult. Not sure if I have PTSD, but I wonder if maybe I struggle with OCD. My struggle is, was it COCSA? If so, how do I right the wrong? Should I report myself? Or can I just say it’s a childish mistake in the past and move on? What if the child is hurt?

Your post was tough for me. My first deceased husband had an online underage porn addiction..I did not know the seriousness of it before I married him..I don't know what I can offer except I am sorry and I hope you get help