Sufferer Trying to hang on while waiting for help

[CookieCrumbles]

I lost my mother to cancer just over a year ago, and I was there at the moment of her passing. Ever since I haven’t been able to grieve “normally”, I thought of her and all that came up was that moment, so I forced myself to stop thinking of her. After waiting for ages for somewhat ineffective online “self-guided” help for grief and depression I eventually managed to speak to someone who diagnosed me with PTSD.

I’m in the UK and I’m on the NHS waiting list for a 5 week online video course about PTSD after which I might be able to request actual 1-to-1 counselling, but the waiting times for that look daunting to say the least. I can’t afford private therapy, so in the mean time I am just waiting and waiting and I feel like I am going to have destroyed my life before I get there.

I have ADHD (which I read makes you more likely to develop PTSD) so I already felt like it was a challenge to live life and relate to people, but now it is so much worse. I feel toxic to the people around me. I’m terrified of doing the wrong thing and losing more people from my life, but it feels like the more I try to be a “good person” the more I get it wrong. I don’t know how to keep picking myself up and trying again. Some days it is physically painful, I’m always exhausted and I can’t make myself enjoy anything which makes me feel like I’m a horrible person and I increasingly avoid doing anything with other people so I don’t offend them, or bring them down and make them hate me.

This ended up a little bit longer than I meant it to, but hopefully someone will understand a little bit. I guess I’m just looking for ways to survive until I can get actual support?

 

[Rose White]

Welcome to the forum! Sorry you’re in such a difficult place right now. Hope you find some support here.

 

[Movingforward10]

Grief is an odd thing. How it shows up.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My Dad died over two years ago. I was there for his passing too. Being there was so important to me, even though it was an incredibly difficult thing given my dsyfunctional family.
What I have found comforting in grief, is that I can carry around the best version of my Dad. Leave behind the difficult parts. I hope you can conjoir up happy memories in time that help you.

I hope you're able to access therapy soon. Maybe the wait for bereavement therapy might be quicker and might help a bit whilst you're waiting for the PTSD treatment?

 

[CookieCrumbles]

Grief is an odd thing. How it shows up.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My Dad died over two years ago. I was there for his passing too. Being there was so important to me, even though it was an incredibly difficult thing given my dsyfunctional family.
What I have found comforting in grief, is that I can carry around the best version of my Dad. Leave behind the difficult parts. I hope you can conjoir up happy memories in time that help you.

I hope you're able to access therapy soon. Maybe the wait for bereavement therapy might be quicker and might help a bit whilst you're waiting for the PTSD treatment?

Thank you. I'm so sorry for your loss - I've spoken to a couple of people who also lost their parents and either chose not to be there or wanted to be there and couldn't. It's a difficult choice to make and, like you, it was important to me that I was there but very painful. It didn't happen the way I had imagined and there's no real way to prepare for what it is like and how it makes you feel.

I hope you are well and that you are holding on to the things about your Dad that bring you comfort, in time I am hoping I will arrive in a similar place.

 

[bloodyptsd]

I lost my mother to cancer just over a year ago, and I was there at the moment of her passing. Ever since I haven’t been able to grieve “normally”, I thought of her and all that came up was that moment, so I forced myself to stop thinking of her. After waiting for ages for somewhat ineffective online “self-guided” help for grief and depression I eventually managed to speak to someone who diagnosed me with PTSD.

I’m in the UK and I’m on the NHS waiting list for a 5 week online video course about PTSD after which I might be able to request actual 1-to-1 counselling, but the waiting times for that look daunting to say the least. I can’t afford private therapy, so in the mean time I am just waiting and waiting and I feel like I am going to have destroyed my life before I get there.

I have ADHD (which I read makes you more likely to develop PTSD) so I already felt like it was a challenge to live life and relate to people, but now it is so much worse. I feel toxic to the people around me. I’m terrified of doing the wrong thing and losing more people from my life, but it feels like the more I try to be a “good person” the more I get it wrong. I don’t know how to keep picking myself up and trying again. Some days it is physically painful, I’m always exhausted and I can’t make myself enjoy anything which makes me feel like I’m a horrible person and I increasingly avoid doing anything with other people so I don’t offend them, or bring them down and make them hate me.

This ended up a little bit longer than I meant it to, but hopefully someone will understand a little bit. I guess I’m just looking for ways to survive until I can get actual support?

Hey, just wanted to say I’m here if you want to talk. Not sure if it’s possible to send direct messages as I only just joined but happy to listen