What would you think/ do?

[beaneeboo]

Hey, I've been away for a while but I'm back with a question! I hope everyone is well...

So I'm in my 3rd year with my T (specialist Psychologist for DDs). I would say atm things are going OK. Obviously the nature of the work is about relational difficulty for a lot of it and the therapy relationship has highlighted some of that. And he's been professional at managing that with me. Compared to even last year, all of us are doing better (and for those who remember 3, well I haven't heard from him or the critical voice to the extent I used to, for some weeks now.. which is really encouraging)...

But...(always a but!)... My T is quite slow ... he said it himself, he's a slow processor ... I don't think there's anything wrong in that... but I've noticed on quite a few occasions he'll say he'll do something and then doesn't (which has not gone down well internally)... in the last 3 weeks he was supposed to be in contact with my key worker from the Cmht so they could arrange a team meeting with other professionals (because despite being on the CMHT for 1.5 years, they still cant seem to agree on how to best manage my case)... my key worker has tried to contact T to arrange this but he hasn't called back. Each week he says to me he's going to do it but then doesn't. Then says sorry he forgot the next time.

This actually happened before when we were going through a suicidal stage and adult me, after 3 sessions, had to gather the courage to say 'Do you not believe us when we say we're suicidal '? Because I needed a referral to be assessed by the crisis team and to go on to the MH team... which i eventually did after he made the referral because I had to prompt him.

On the one hand, for adult me, it's no biggie.. I've got used to him not doing what he says he will.. but it's so so so so difficult for me to advocate for myself and I don't think he realises how much (you could argue its teaching me skills!)... it's also been incredibly triggering for some of my younger parts too from the trust aspect and just feeling like he doesn't give a f*ck... but again I've been managing to work through some of those issues with him...

I guess my question is, how would you manage this scenario? I know it's such a tiny issue, hardly worth thinking about... but I'm just surprised as a Psychologist of Dissociative Disorders that he wouldn't see the impact of this on me/ us... and that makes those parts of who trust him less trusting... which ultimately will be getting in the way of our work

Thanks

 

[Movingforward10]

It's not a tiny issue. It's big on a number of fronts.
From an adult space: it's important as you need things to progress for you.
From internal child space: it's important to feel safe with him.

I know it's hard to raise it, but do you feel able to share with him what you have here? The fact you need him to progress these things, that him not doing that is not helping you practically or emotionally.

I'm sure it is zero to do with you and everything to do with his organisational skills.

 

[beaneeboo]

I'm sure it is zero to do with you and everything to do with his organisational skills.

It's definitely this. He's even said as much himself and says sorry when it's appropriate. And the amount of time we've had in the therapy relationship has definitely helped because this type of issue before would be difficult for everyone. Now i have learnt that even Ts can't be perfect and I can't hold everyone to such high standards the whole time.

But....

I guess i came on here to talk about it because I'm not sure where the line is... is it unreasonable to expect what needs doing in the first week or is 3/4 weeks later for him to do it ok? I feel it's not which is why I'm here. But i don't know if I'm expecting too much. And don't want to come across as ungrateful ... I certainly thought for him to wait 3 weeks to make the referral when I was suicidal was way too long and more than anything just found it odd from a clinical perspective... like what was his reasoning? I ended up in the crisis house after that

I think i probably should say something but there are 2 worries. First is i don't want to hurt his feelings. Ithink he has genuine difficulties with organisation and adult me can see he's not doing it on purpose. But i also feel it as a lack of care? Second I'm worried it will jeopardise things going forward. But maybe i should gather the courage

 

[Calm in the chaos]

But i don't know if I'm expecting too much. And don't want to come across as ungrateful ...

You are in no way expecting too much or sounding anyway ungrateful. I do think it’s something you should discuss, and he’s probably self aware enough to realise his organisational skills aren’t his strong suit.
He could potentially take extra effort if he knows it’s triggering distrust in your child parts. I think it’s completely valid and reasonable to bring this up.

As for time frames? It depends on the situation - but

him to wait 3 weeks to make the referral when I was suicidal was way too long

This??? Way way too long. That should be a same day referral. Anything where your safety or wellbeing is at risk? Should be done promptly, definitely before the next session.

 

[beaneeboo]

Thanks @Calm in the chaos ... that's helpful hearing your opinion...I think of i told him he would make an effort but we've had these types of convos before and it works for the most part but sometimes he slips on things. The further we get into therapy the more I appreciate the fact I've built a tolerance to navigating these types of dynamics as it used tu be very triggering. But the issue with getting back to my keyworker on the cmht has slightly retriggered things again...

I think it fascinates me how a fairly experienced clinician who has good experience in DDs can do this without understanding the potential consequences... he's not a psychotherapist though he's a psychologist so that may be part of it..

Thanks for your opinion

 

[Movingforward10]

Please don't worry about his feelings. Those are for him.

The issue is: he knows he has issues with organisational skills. He also knows how important it is to do what he said he would. He also knows how important it is to make referrals for the safety of his clients.
Therefore, with all that knowledge and awareness he has, he needs to give timeframes of what is realistic for him to do. If he says he will do it that week and then can't, purely because of his organisational skills - then this is a failing on his behalf. Where is his accountability?
He is much better to say it will take him longer and to stick to that than give unrealistic timescales that he knows he can't keep and risks the relationship with you (and your safety).

You are not being unreasonable at all. Not one bit.

 

[beaneeboo]

Therefore, with all that knowledge and awareness he has, he needs to give timeframes of what is realistic for him to do. If he says he will do it that week and then can't, purely because of his organisational skills - then this is a failing on his behalf. Where is his accountability?

This is exactly where my adult and teenage head is at when I reach my limit

He is much better to say it will take him longer and to stick to that than give unrealistic timescales that he knows he can't keep and risks the relationship with you (and your safety).

I think i can say this to him actually. If i frame it as a request for the future as opposite 'I'm a bit annoyed / upset because..' It may be easier. Not easy but manageable.

You are not being unreasonable at all. Not one bit.

Thank you. It's so helpful to hear an outside perspective