bigjohnson0301
New Here
so i’m not like diagnosed or anything but i want to figure out if it’s worth asking my doctor because i grew up in a very abusive household growing up as a young kid and early teenager.
when my mom married her husband, i was seven years old. in the time they were dating my mom tried to have me befriend him and stuff so that i’d like him, which i did at the time because i was a very little guy. everything kinda went south after they got married though because even at the wedding reception he took my mom somewhere private and started chewing her out over the wedding cake. they went on their honeymoon for a while and when they came back it got even worse. prior to this me and my mom lived with my grandparents, so he moved in with us. almost every day he’d argue with my grandpa they’d go all around the house screaming at each other and cps got involved for me and my little brother. after a couple months or so my mom and her husband managed to get a crappy apartment on the other side of town, so i had to say goodbye to my grandparents and start a whole new life. they had two other kids together in that time but it only got worse because he’d scream at my mom all the time and our neighbors would always call the cops on us,
i didn’t really have many friends back then, and by this point i was like 8 or 9 years old. furniture would get thrown, we’d get in trouble for stupid things, and me being the young kid i was thought it was completely normal, so i never talked about it like ever. all the other kids at my school just kinda thought i was a loser. we weren’t able to take really good care of our apartment and our landlord hated us for some reason so our living quality was absolute dog shit. maggots crawling out of the kitchen sink, lead seeping into our food from our cookware, hundreds of flies everywhere and mounds of clothes and garbage all across the space.
after a couple years living there my grandparents were generous enough to combine their funds and make a down payment on a house. i was so relieved to be out of that apartment, but again things got even worse from there. as i got older, i had more expectations as the oldest brother. i’d watch the kids all the time, and that’s almost all i remember in the early years living there. more responsibility fell on my shoulders as time went, and as i started making more friends, i realized how abnormal my life was. i wanted to start opening up about how he would yell at my mom every morning, all throughout the day, and especially at night. i always stuck by her because i always felt like i could keep her safe.
one night i woke up to the sound of screaming and furniture being thrown, plates being broken, what i could call a somewhat average night, but what set this one apart was everything suddenly went quiet, i heard my door open, and there was my mom. she didn’t say much at first, she just sat on my bed and leaned her head on my shoulder. she told me she felt safer in my room and i comforted her the best that i could. i thought everything would be okay, but suddenly my door started pounding. he yelled at me to go in my closet because he was going to come in and he didn’t want me to see him naked. my closet was right next to my bed so i heard absolutely everything for once. the pure hatred in his voice and the belittling, demeaning things he said to my mom. for the first time in my life i wanted to stand up to him, after all i was inches away from everything but i froze. i waited until he left my room and i ran out and hugged my mom and told her everything would be okay. suddenly i heard him screaming to get out of the house, get out of the house over and over again. my mom and i went nextdoor from my room to get my brothers up but he said “no you’re not taking *my* kids get the f*ck out of my house”. he didn’t care that she took me though. we sat out in her car for a couple minutes and he started blowing up her phone telling her to leave, so we drove off. we made it down our street a little and pulled into a culdesac.
my mom called 911 and we talked to the dispatcher for a while before we saw headlights pull up and she started freaking out. she told dispatch “my husband found me” but i said no look, it’s the cops. when they pulled up to our car, my mom was in hysterics and couldn’t stop crying long enough to explain, so i did the best i could. they went to our house but he played buddy buddy with them and they said there was no issue so they went back to the station. my mom and i drove across town and pulled up on a curb outside of these other apartments and we were getting ready to sleep in the car when she got a call. he was calling freaking out begging her to come back to watch the kids while he went out to smoke.
so unfortunately we ended up going back and the doors were barricaded and we had to force our way in. he was in my bathtub and he started yelling at my mom again making her feed him crackers and stuff. she told me to just go to bed so i laid down but i couldn’t sleep. my dog noticed so she jumped up on my bed and laid with me and i got to hold her which helped me.
even after all this my mom still loved her husband, and the way she would attach to him he took advantage of many times. he’d rape her, make fun of her during sex because of her size, etc. at this point i knew my household was broken. but i was told specifically by both of them never to tell anyone. especially my grandparents. as time went on, my moms health deteriorated rapidly. she got hot flashes, fainting spells and stuff just out of the blue. every time this happened it needed medical attention because she would go unresponsive for hours. so i was stuck at home arguing with this guy and trying to keep my brothers safe.
i wanted it to end so bad i almost killed myself. i started drinking and cutting myself and scratching the skin off my hands but nothing got better. then one fateful night i decided to take a shower before bed, a normal occurrence. the next morning i woke up with this dude completely in my face screaming at me that i left a giant mess in the bathroom despite the floor only being a little damp, he made it out like he almost died. he went off on me for hours and i couldn’t take it anymore. i screamed right back at him and told him to shut the f*ck up which caused a screaming match. he tried telling my mom to take my brothers and leave so he could grill me with me all alone. she wouldn’t let me stay in that house any longer, so she ran everyone out to the car and i went and talked to my pastor. i don’t remember hardly anything from then except almost crushing my moms phone while my grandma told me to take deep breaths before i hyperventilated. i couldn’t think at all my brain was just like tv static. i ended up moving back in with my grandparents while my mom finally settled her divorce which took months.
even now as i’m looking back on everything and remembering things that have been buried for a very long time, i can’t help but feel like im just being dramatic. the worst part is he’s not even out of our lives yet. he’s tried to bust down our door, he’s almost walked up on me before, he’s made threats to me and my friends, nothing really feels safe. and even after all these years he’s still trying to pressure my mom into getting back together with him. she had a couple boyfriends and he always needed to know everything about them, a full background check, the whole enchilada. i just hope i can find an answer to what i feel and why i barely remember my past and my childhood
when my mom married her husband, i was seven years old. in the time they were dating my mom tried to have me befriend him and stuff so that i’d like him, which i did at the time because i was a very little guy. everything kinda went south after they got married though because even at the wedding reception he took my mom somewhere private and started chewing her out over the wedding cake. they went on their honeymoon for a while and when they came back it got even worse. prior to this me and my mom lived with my grandparents, so he moved in with us. almost every day he’d argue with my grandpa they’d go all around the house screaming at each other and cps got involved for me and my little brother. after a couple months or so my mom and her husband managed to get a crappy apartment on the other side of town, so i had to say goodbye to my grandparents and start a whole new life. they had two other kids together in that time but it only got worse because he’d scream at my mom all the time and our neighbors would always call the cops on us,
i didn’t really have many friends back then, and by this point i was like 8 or 9 years old. furniture would get thrown, we’d get in trouble for stupid things, and me being the young kid i was thought it was completely normal, so i never talked about it like ever. all the other kids at my school just kinda thought i was a loser. we weren’t able to take really good care of our apartment and our landlord hated us for some reason so our living quality was absolute dog shit. maggots crawling out of the kitchen sink, lead seeping into our food from our cookware, hundreds of flies everywhere and mounds of clothes and garbage all across the space.
after a couple years living there my grandparents were generous enough to combine their funds and make a down payment on a house. i was so relieved to be out of that apartment, but again things got even worse from there. as i got older, i had more expectations as the oldest brother. i’d watch the kids all the time, and that’s almost all i remember in the early years living there. more responsibility fell on my shoulders as time went, and as i started making more friends, i realized how abnormal my life was. i wanted to start opening up about how he would yell at my mom every morning, all throughout the day, and especially at night. i always stuck by her because i always felt like i could keep her safe.
one night i woke up to the sound of screaming and furniture being thrown, plates being broken, what i could call a somewhat average night, but what set this one apart was everything suddenly went quiet, i heard my door open, and there was my mom. she didn’t say much at first, she just sat on my bed and leaned her head on my shoulder. she told me she felt safer in my room and i comforted her the best that i could. i thought everything would be okay, but suddenly my door started pounding. he yelled at me to go in my closet because he was going to come in and he didn’t want me to see him naked. my closet was right next to my bed so i heard absolutely everything for once. the pure hatred in his voice and the belittling, demeaning things he said to my mom. for the first time in my life i wanted to stand up to him, after all i was inches away from everything but i froze. i waited until he left my room and i ran out and hugged my mom and told her everything would be okay. suddenly i heard him screaming to get out of the house, get out of the house over and over again. my mom and i went nextdoor from my room to get my brothers up but he said “no you’re not taking *my* kids get the f*ck out of my house”. he didn’t care that she took me though. we sat out in her car for a couple minutes and he started blowing up her phone telling her to leave, so we drove off. we made it down our street a little and pulled into a culdesac.
my mom called 911 and we talked to the dispatcher for a while before we saw headlights pull up and she started freaking out. she told dispatch “my husband found me” but i said no look, it’s the cops. when they pulled up to our car, my mom was in hysterics and couldn’t stop crying long enough to explain, so i did the best i could. they went to our house but he played buddy buddy with them and they said there was no issue so they went back to the station. my mom and i drove across town and pulled up on a curb outside of these other apartments and we were getting ready to sleep in the car when she got a call. he was calling freaking out begging her to come back to watch the kids while he went out to smoke.
so unfortunately we ended up going back and the doors were barricaded and we had to force our way in. he was in my bathtub and he started yelling at my mom again making her feed him crackers and stuff. she told me to just go to bed so i laid down but i couldn’t sleep. my dog noticed so she jumped up on my bed and laid with me and i got to hold her which helped me.
even after all this my mom still loved her husband, and the way she would attach to him he took advantage of many times. he’d rape her, make fun of her during sex because of her size, etc. at this point i knew my household was broken. but i was told specifically by both of them never to tell anyone. especially my grandparents. as time went on, my moms health deteriorated rapidly. she got hot flashes, fainting spells and stuff just out of the blue. every time this happened it needed medical attention because she would go unresponsive for hours. so i was stuck at home arguing with this guy and trying to keep my brothers safe.
i wanted it to end so bad i almost killed myself. i started drinking and cutting myself and scratching the skin off my hands but nothing got better. then one fateful night i decided to take a shower before bed, a normal occurrence. the next morning i woke up with this dude completely in my face screaming at me that i left a giant mess in the bathroom despite the floor only being a little damp, he made it out like he almost died. he went off on me for hours and i couldn’t take it anymore. i screamed right back at him and told him to shut the f*ck up which caused a screaming match. he tried telling my mom to take my brothers and leave so he could grill me with me all alone. she wouldn’t let me stay in that house any longer, so she ran everyone out to the car and i went and talked to my pastor. i don’t remember hardly anything from then except almost crushing my moms phone while my grandma told me to take deep breaths before i hyperventilated. i couldn’t think at all my brain was just like tv static. i ended up moving back in with my grandparents while my mom finally settled her divorce which took months.
even now as i’m looking back on everything and remembering things that have been buried for a very long time, i can’t help but feel like im just being dramatic. the worst part is he’s not even out of our lives yet. he’s tried to bust down our door, he’s almost walked up on me before, he’s made threats to me and my friends, nothing really feels safe. and even after all these years he’s still trying to pressure my mom into getting back together with him. she had a couple boyfriends and he always needed to know everything about them, a full background check, the whole enchilada. i just hope i can find an answer to what i feel and why i barely remember my past and my childhood
Last edited by a moderator:
.
