Emotional withdrawal caused by past relationship trauma

[Randomhero]

I wonder if anyone can help guide me. I met an amazing woman about 18 months ago and began dating. From the very beginning she told me she had been single for 3 years due to ptsd, depression and anxiety following domestic abuse from her previous partner. Things started off perfectly and we never had a single disagreement.

In August last year we went abroad for 3 days (her first time) a couple of weeks after she seemed a little distant so I asked if she was ok. We met for a chat and she explained she was feeling overwhelmed and needed space to focus on herself and her children. I said I understood and would support her however she needed and to take as long as necessary, I would still be here. She thanked me and we parted ways with a warm hug. The following days I sent some supportive messages and sent her some flowers. She messaged me telling me not to send anything to her. I apologized for the mistake.

She then went silent for a month (I continued to send occasional messages of no pressure support) she messaged me to say she had ended our relationship and I accepted but made it clear I still cared. We would occasionally message each other between periods of silence and in the October we seemed to be maintaining a good level of contact and we managed to meet for a drink and a chat that lasted the whole day until late into the night. We discussed the relationship and she said things like “I can’t love right now” and wanting to be “friends for the moment” I said I can do that if that’s what is what she needs and made it clear my desire to hopefully return to what we had when she felt ready.

Contact via messages continued with the odd gap of a week or two on occasion with the longest being in 5 weeks between November and December. I messaged her wishing her a happy Christmas and new year (both times she replied) in early January she reached out to me to say she’s “not doing good” and to “do me a favour, please message me every day” she explained she had lost her job and was worried for the future. I said of course and we have maintained that rhythm ever since with only an occasional 24/48 hour gap from her. I supported and encouraged her search for a new job and now she’s started a new job which she tells me she loves.

In May we met for a couple of hours for a coffee and a chat but didn’t bring up feelings or the relationship (I wanted to keep it easy) we hugged at the end and she said not to leave it too long for next time. A couple of times I’ve suggested meeting again with no pressure but she has given reasons not to (work/busy/time with children) which I accepted. Recently she seems to be more engaged in conversation telling me about her day and when she feels sad/nervous/happy asking about how I am/ how my day was and has even begun to initiate contact some days. I’ve expressed my desire to spend more time together when she can and she seems open to it (she said she’s been busy with the new job and will have to let me know) again I accepted it and emphasised there is no pressure. I admit I have been struggling with doubts about how she feels as she has posted a couple of pictures of her out with another man on social media (they don’t show any signs of affection and I know she has some male friends although I’ve never met them) do people in this state seek out new relationships?

What I’d like to know from you guys and girls is there anything I can be doing/not doing to help her and does it sound like she is starting to feel more herself and recovering. I am hoping that we can re start the relationship when she feels ready to but I am also aware that she may not want that but I would like to stay present and supportive until a time comes where she can make that decision from a regulated point of view.

Sorry for the long post but I’m just keen to hear other people’s opinions/experiences

 

[Movingforward10]

Nearly a year ago you split up after a few months in a relationship.

I think you need to walk away.

She hasn't wanted to be in a relationship with you for longer than you were in one.

Whilst that might all seem harsh: why are you putting all your energy in to this when the facts are really very loud here that this is not going to be a relationship?

What are you getting out from staying stuck in this?
What's stopping you from dating other people to find someone who you can have a relationship with?

 

[Randomhero]

Nearly a year ago you split up after a few months in a relationship.

I think you need to walk away.

She hasn't wanted to be in a relationship with you for longer than you were in one.

Whilst that might all seem harsh: why are you putting all your energy in to this when the facts are really very loud here that this is not going to be a relationship?

What are you getting out from staying stuck in this?
What's stopping you from dating other people to find someone who you can have a relationship with?

A couple of reasons really. She specifically asked me to message her every day and I want to support her even if it is just as a friend and secondly have you ever met someone you feel such a connection to that you can’t just walk away from it

 

[Movingforward10]

So how long are you prepared to carry on for?
What's your cut off point?

What are your plans for your life?

People ask me to do things all the time. Doesn't mean they should. Or that I can't say no.

Is there really this deep connection or your wish for one? Because the connection you actually want, she doesn't/can't give you.

 

[Randomhero]

So how long are you prepared to carry on for?
What's your cut off point?

What are your plans for your life?

People ask me to do things all the time. Doesn't mean they should. Or that I can't say no.

Is there really this deep connection or your wish for one? Because the connection you actually want, she doesn't/can't give you.

To be honest that’s the question I’m asking myself now. How long do I hold on?

I’m caught in 2 different mindsets

1) if she is genuinely suffering and sees me as a safe anchor and wants me to stay for the right reasons then I’m willing to hold on

2) she’s moved on but is holding on to my emotional support and I’m being used then I’m ready to walk away.

The problem I have is I don’t know which is true. Her behavior suggests that she is moving towards me all be it slowly our connection today is stronger than it was a month or so ago but the fact we can talk for hours over text but struggle to meet in person coupled with the recent social media picture has me questioning if all I am now is an emotional anchor

 

[Movingforward10]

If you are honest with yourself: you know the answer.

 

[Randomhero]

If you are honest with yourself: you know the answer.

I think I do and that’s why I’m here. You seem pretty knowledgeable, can I ask if you was in my position how would you go about asking the question in a way that won’t cause distress if she is indeed suffering and not stringing me along?

 

[Movingforward10]

I wouldn't say I am knowledgeable. I just share my opinion from my perspective and experience.

And my view is:
What's stopping you from hearing what she has said (that she doesn't want a relationship) and done (not seen you in person and seemingly only using you for emotional support) already?


Why are you working out how to phrase a question about what you need? My view on that is sometimes if we get an answer we don't want to hear, we then blame ourselves for not having asked it in the right way. But, if you feel you need to know her intentions from her current words, despite all the information you already have , why can't you ask in the way that works for you? Asking means being prepared to hear the answer though. And then doing something with that answer.

 

[Randomhero]

I wouldn't say I am knowledgeable. I just share my opinion from my perspective and experience.

And my view is:
What's stopping you from hearing what she has said (that she doesn't want a relationship) and done (not seen you in person and seemingly only using you for emotional support) already?


Why are you working out how to phrase a question about what you need? My view on that is sometimes if we get an answer we don't want to hear, we then blame ourselves for not having asked it in the right way. But, if you feel you need to know her intentions from her current words, despite all the information you already have , why can't you ask in the way that works for you? Asking means being prepared to hear the answer though. And then doing something with that answer.

That is a good perspective and from the outside looking in makes perfect sense. The conflict I have in myself is a lot of what she says and does matches up perfectly with someone with ptsd says/does/behaves when they emotionally withdraw so I can’t say for certain what her true feelings are. She has shown many small subtle signs she may still harbour the same feelings I do but I’m not certain. From day one I’ve known there is a chance she won’t want a relationship and was ready to remove myself until she was in a better place to make any future decision up until she reached out for help during her darkest time in January. I worry by asking outright it could overwhelm her and push her back into withdrawal and I don’t want that for her but at the same time I need some sort of clarity for me (I hope this makes some sense)

 

[Movingforward10]

I think the PTSD withdrawal is being overplayed here.

We might all withdraw in different ways, for different lengths of time. Bit we also have responsibility about our actions on others during that time. We don't lose accountability even if we are struggling.

It seems to me you are searching for the answer: she wants a relationship and waiting is worth it.
And you don't really want the other answer: walk away , this isn't healthy for you.

Have you had relationships before?
Do you have other friends?
I'm wondering about your understanding of relationships and what is healthy for you and how to express what you need.

 

[Randomhero]

I think the PTSD withdrawal is being overplayed here.

We might all withdraw in different ways, for different lengths of time. Bit we also have responsibility about our actions on others during that time. We don't lose accountability even if we are struggling.

It seems to me you are searching for the answer: she wants a relationship and waiting is worth it.
And you don't really want the other answer: walk away , this isn't healthy for you.

Have you had relationships before?
Do you have other friends?
I'm wondering about your understanding of relationships and what is healthy for you and how to express what you need.

I met her after a 20 year relationship (married for 10) but there lies another layer for me. Despite 20 years with someone this is by far the hardest I’ve ever fallen for someone and up until she withdrew the feeling was mutual. Given the root of her ptsd (domestic abuse) I’ve been working on the assumption that the feeling of love it’s what was driving her withdrawal. I think I’ve been supportive to her while remaining healthy for myself - I’m still living my life spending time with friends/hobbies. I’ve just had no interest in searching for another relationship. We have a set ritual where we check in of an evening. Sometimes it a simple “how was your day” and others it can be a conversation that lasts for hours. I will add she has been prescribed antidepressants. My fear is I could be walking away from something special and that the problem is capacity- she did use the terms “I can’t love right now” and “friends for the moment” back in October which makes me think it’s not an active choice.

Maybe I’m naive in hoping but please know I am prepared for either outcome