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Relationship Remorseful for my past relationship

southwest

Learning
I've been struggling lately a lot about my last relationship. With the respect that I keep harping on myself about how If I could have always done the right thing or acted the right way I would be still in a relationship with my girlfriend. A little back story my ex girlfriend suffered from past complex trauma from her children and also had been in a abusive relationship before we got together. She eventually began to feel triggered around me and pulled away.

I know I'm human and I can't be perfect but I wanted to be for her so badly. Now I look back on my moments that I wasn't exactly what she needed and feel deep remorse about it. I start to point at those times and say these are the reasons she left and you weren't a good partner.

I still love her, but that relationship did take its toll on me and I felt exhausted most times from it. I made me feel like I was walking a tight rope so she wouldn't be trigger or get upset. It definitely made me feel like I had to give up some of my boundaries like good communication to be with her.
 
I still love her
I'm feeling for you. It seems like you are being abused too.

You deserve some respect. You will have to cope with retroactive jealousy which will happen if you keep triggering responses that remind her of her previous (bad) relationships and as you tread carefully, she needs to be gently (tactfully) reminded that you won't treat her like that. It will hurt you too but you did say you still love her.

Have you sought relationship counselling to see if you should pursue a life together or seperate?

I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you that before you commit to any life together you should be friends first above all else.
 
I'm feeling for you. It seems like you are being abused too.

You deserve some respect. You will have to cope with retroactive jealousy which will happen if you keep triggering responses that remind her of her previous (bad) relationships and as you tread carefully, she needs to be gently (tactfully) reminded that you won't treat her like that. It will hurt you too but you did say you still love her.

Have you sought relationship counselling to see if you should pursue a life together or seperate?

I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you that before you commit to any life together you should be friends first above all else.
I suggested going to relationship counseling before we broke up but see wasn't very open to idea. We are trying to be friends at the moment. However I feel like she would rather date other people than try another relationship with me. She says she still loves me. It's definitely hard to hear that from her.
 
When I was symptomatic to my eyebrows? The more perfect someone was for me? The faster I ran from them.

PTSD ain’t exactly a logical, healthy, thing.

However I feel like she would rather date other people than try another relationship with me.
Do you have any idea how much easier a f*ckbuddy is, than being in a relationship with someone you actually care about, and care about not hurting, or messing up their life?

You have $1,000.

What’s easier? A $5 hamburger or a $2k meal at an amazing restaurant?

The twice as much as you have place isn’t impossible, but the burger is stupid-easy.
 
Do you have any idea how much easier a f*ckbuddy is, than being in a relationship
I have enough trouble trying negotiate flashbacks and triggers with the one person I love. Having a *buddy is out of the question for me because it goes against the grain with me and I think promotes the same casual attitude to sex as my abuser, the only difference to me is that it’s consensual. I don’t think casual sex between two broken people is helpful to people with CPTSD. I am trying to lead a more simple life with less trauma and triggers. Just saying 🙂!
 
if you keep triggering responses

They’re not triggering… she is being triggered. It’s important to make that distinction. Unless somebody knows what triggers their partner, and they are intentionally doing that thing in a malicious manner to cause a purposeful reaction they are not triggering anybody.

The ultimate responsibility lies with the person who is being triggered. The sufferer cannot blame an outside party for when they are triggered. It is happening in their head. That is their responsibility to manage.
 
Hi @Sweetpea76, I don’t think the OP was maliciously trying to trigger.

Getting personal here, but my wife of 40 years (next month) sometimes forgets my triggers because there are so damned many of them that she pulls back and goes into compassionate mode. It is not her fault; it’s not my fault, it just is what it is. The only way to stop 🛑 the unintentional triggers, would be to totally stop being intimate. And that would make life unbearable.

She says she still loves me. It's definitely hard to hear that from her.
Go easy on yourself bro. I went through a similar but reverse situation in my twenties. It was me that had PTSD and she just wanted three f*buddies. I didn’t end up sleeping with her and she lost it and became verbally abusive because of my reluctance.

She never knew about my childhood sexual abuse. I ended up walking away from sex and for any hope of a future together and it was one of the most difficult life experiences that brought me to the edge of suicide but ultimately quietly walking away saved my life and left my self esteem intact.
 
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I have enough trouble trying negotiate flashbacks and triggers with the one person I love.
Everyone’s triggers & stressors are different… but the stress of important/meaningful relationships -vs- unimportant BS interactions with people you don’t give a damn about? Is pretty durn universal with PTSD. All relationships are stress. The more important the relationship? The higher the stress.
 
All relationships are stress. The more important the relationship? The higher the stress.
Understood, for some time I was agoraphobic. Probably still am...I have to de-stress after social gatherings; the more significant, the more I need time out. Thanks Friday.
 
what is important for *supporters* to understand is that they are not responsible in any way shape or form if their partner is being triggered. It’s not something they need to feel guilty about, especially if they are already the designated asshole in their own home.

@southwest if she was not managing her triggers/stressors, then there was no way you could have been perfect enough. You were the convenient target to project on.
 
what is important for *supporters* to understand is that they are not responsible in any way shape or form if their partner is being triggered. It’s not something they need to feel guilty about, especially if they are already the designated asshole in their own home.
Truth.

@southwest This is WATER IS WET level of truth.

Someone else’s triggers & stressors? Are NEVER your fault. Full stop. Unless you’ve taken up rape & murder as a hobby, or something equally egregious, and then? Sure. The person you’re sexually assaulting, or witnesses to your kills, you’re responsible for their fallout. Not for anyone else’s. If you ever FEEL responsible? Ask yourself, very seriously, who you raped, killed, tortured, kidnapped, etc. to cause this reaction. If the answer is “no one”? Then you’re ‘feeling instead of facts’… the same way they are. Which is craziness.

NEVER blame yourself for the evils others do.

If you wouldn’t “take credit” for raping, assaulting, murdering, etc. someone you didn’t? Do NOT take the blame, guilt, shame, triggers, etc. that someone else did, either. EVER.

I know. It FEELS more complicated, in the moment. It’s not. Feelings? Are. Not. Facts. You didn’t do this. Don’t take the blame for it. Doing so? Not only hurts you, but also the person you love. As they mix up past/present.

It. Is. Not. Your. Fault.
 
what is important for *supporters* to understand is that they are not responsible in any way shape or form if their partner is being triggered. It’s not something they need to feel guilty about, especially if they are already the designated asshole in their own home.

@southwest if she was not managing her triggers/stressors, then there was no way you could have been perfect enough. You were the convenient target to project on.
Thanks and after alot of reading especially from this site I understand that as the truth. It's still hard not to fall into those mindsets though.
 
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