Relationship Please Help Me To Understand

[harmony of love]

I appreciate this forum beyond words, text, emotion, and sadly...comprehension at this point. Your source of life experience, compassion, and readiness to share a fellow remedy is a blessing. I am trying to hold back the tears, but it can be so overwhelming. This pain of ambiguous love or relationship can be so draining.

Why does my sufferer hurt the ones closest to him? He can be so short and cold with myself, his mother, and his sister. Yet to the world and internet he puts on this front he is in pure heaven. That he is this sweet man with so much love to give. At first, I felt he is trying to somewhat fake it until he makes it, but not so much anymore. I feel like anything I have to say about my life he could care less or does not have the time to listen. His texts and phone calls are rarely ever to ask about how my days are since minor surgery, or the daily struggles of life. I feel so pushed aside.

My warrior is traveling right now, exploring the open road...his words are different. More of a claim to rid himself of PTSD. I have learned much from this website to know, it is a lifelong illness. He makes stops and visits friends along the way. He tells me how wonderful they are and how much they adore him. Part of me has lost the happiness regarding this trip for him, at first I was so thrilled for him to do this because its therapeutic and fun. Am I now becoming bitter because I feel neglected? A friend told me the word neglected does not fit because he is not doing it intentionally, but I do not know what word to use. He is so nice to others and acts like everything is cherry. Why does he then turn to me with such coldness. I have been nothing but supportive and compassionate to him. It is only right now where I am even voicing this emotion. When he calls I am right there to laugh and support his journey.

Please help me express these unsettled emotions. I do not want to be walked on or feel like this. Please direct me in how to share my pain, for I feel he will only push me away further. I just wrote him earlier that I do not feel well, because it is the truth, but less aggressive. I am trying hard not to add to his pressure or stress cup, but I feel lost in the dust.

Sincerely yours and emotionally spent,

Thank you for reading another edition to my saga.

 

[Nicolette]

I have read your post Harmony and a lot of what you are struggling with is not uncommon.

Intentional or not neglect is neglect...... just as abusive is still abuse with PTSD.

It is easier for your sufferer to communicate with others easily as they have no emotional impact on his life and demand nothing of him as he is just visiting. I wrote somewhere before that when ill Anthony will avoid me like the plague and not talk to me but will talk to a stranger at the door like nothing in the world is wrong.

PTSD is hard work and goes against a lot of assumed logical situations. See, while you would expect concern and empathy from your recent surgery to your sufferer it is another stress, so if his [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/"]stress cup[/DLMURL] is full, he will avoid it rather than overload himself. It's a self preservation of sorts which hurts those closest and no matter which way you look at it there is still hurt and yes you suffer from the symptoms of the illness.

I have to be brief sorry but I will try and come back and talk to you at a later time.

Until then try and do things which make you feel good.

Take care.

 

[harmony of love]

Thanks dearly, Nicolette. I chatted a bit on here last night and it truly helped me, but your are right it does not take away from the pain. I can extremely identify with the stranger at the door example. When we were living together (before my surgery) and during his treatment he would be in a rage of anger at me, yet to his military buddies or even the mailman he would be the "peachy keen" character. I would look at him in awe with complete disbelief.

I thought our distance would not affect our relationship, but at the moment I feel further emotionally from him than ever. He also hurt my feelings because during his recent cold remarks or distant behaviors all of a sudden he wanted to be sexual through text. Immediately, my heart sank thinking, wow your not affectionate with me or sweet at all for the past two weeks, but right now you want me to be sexual with you. I never felt that way before, it used to feel warm and shared. At this point, I felt used almost, well more so, oh are we back in elementary school when my principal said jump, I am supposed to say how high. I felt like I am just a robot to him and I must adjust myself to his mood.

The stress cup has made a lot of sense, perhaps I have to re-read it...for it has been quite some time now. I do not want to just ignore him or try to move on like my life is more important, but maybe you can give more advice on that part. The balance of showing him I am supportive without my life revolving around him. I liked what my new friend on here said last night about "pacing myself," which I have not done. I need to help myself now because no one else will.

I appreciate everyones guidance and sharing.

 

[Brontie]

harmony of love,

I relate to your story. What you deal with, your frustration, and your thoughts of not being able to do it anymore. To be fair, I was dealing with stuff too and that made everything so much harder to deal with. I tried so hard to put my stuff to one side and try to figure out what he needed. He had helped me so much in the past, now it was my turn to help him. But where to start.

This was a very placid, likeable, generous man. I hardly recognised him. He was short tempered and got so frustrated and impatient with everything - me and the kids mostly. And like you described, he could talk and joke with family and friends but once back home he was like a different person - silent and sullen. We struggled along for another ten years then decided to divorce amicably. We both agreed that we were just hurting each other.

I relate too with him becoming distant and never asking about me or the kids. Then the other side of the coin was that he would be over-concerned about us. Following me around the house, waiting outside the bathroom. Insisting that I take the kids to the docs and have their weight checked. A T explained that it was quite usual for someone who almost died (he was involved in an explosion) to be very concerned about family members and fear losing them.

I don't think it matters that he isn't neglecting you intentionally. What matters is what you feel. I saw the end coming but I pushed on telling myself that everything would be fine and that I was simply imagining the worst.

I'm sorry that I don't have something more positive to share with you. I love him but I couldn't live with him anymore. We got together on and off for about five years and then decided to leave things as they were. We are good friends and I think he cares about me but I don't think he loves me. He is with someone else and seems to be doing okay. I don't mind. We had been through enough for two life times. We were exhausted.

 

[Mockingbird13]

Harmony and Bronte,
I believe we all share the same challenges here- maybe we are at different stages right now. But the bottom line is that we are here for each other.
Harmony - my husband of 20 years moved out - he is very nice , kind and considerate with others, but with myself and his daughter quite the opposite (this is quite frustrating) I joking say I am # 8 on his priority list but it hurts so much.
I know after reading and learning about PTSD that Im not supposed to take things persoanlly - but darn it I do.
I pray that things get better for you- and Im slowly learing myself that I need to take care of me first as well as my daughter and you also need to do what's right for you.
Bronte - Im almost at that point of exhaustion too...

 

[harmony of love]

Ladies,

Your words of experience scratch at my heart. I do not know what the future holds for our peace of existence. It pains me to fathom that our relationship could unfold in such a manner. When he was in the PTSD hospital his cohort (other veterans) would tell him how lucky he was to have me. I would smile at such sentiment and now I feel it is few and far between. How did I become the burden when all I have ever wanted to do was support and love him. Others come and go as they please, feel his sunshine rays and move on with replenishment. While I am left with burns and lack of vitamin (respect, love, attention) nourishment.
Only to feel a lingering sadness. It drives me to behave as a child in tantrum, plotting to not answer his call if he tries to reach me. Yet, would I really do that? Better yet could I really do that? I do not want to, but gosh he does it to me all the time. In fact, we have come to a nonverbal agreement, shall I say understanding that he calls me, not I call him. I may have more freedom in regards to texting, but I would be lucky for him to answer a phone call of mine. In fact, so would his mother or sister be lucky if he were to answer their calls, but let a fellow marine or distant friend call he will entertain them. I feel saturated with heartache. Part of me feels I need to just wash myself free and start exercising to place this energy elsewhere. Only I fear it will cause throbbing in my mouth and I am back feeling depressed. My bone graft went well and so did the implant so I am nervous during this recovery process. I do not want to cause any complications. Can someone please tell me there is a local support group for us? I have not found much on the internet, when we lived in Hawaii there was nothing, but I thought it would be different in NY. Perhaps I am not looking in the right place. I would love to meet other supporters.

 

[Mockingbird13]

I found a supporters group through our local V.A. and I'm so happy that I did. I was relieved that I wasn't alone, and it is a truly safe place where I can be myself.

I sad to say when I read your post I see so much of myself in your words - right down to the issue with phone calls - it doesn't seem fair does it ? Right now I'm truly afraid to initiate any calls because I know he will not answer (it stabs me in the heart). I to am having surgery this Monday- and he has since told me this past week that he is too busy to help me. I haven't heard from him since.- Sometimes I feel like hes acting like a selfish child - but then I have to take a step back an remember - its PTSD, and not take things so personal (easier said than done cause darn-it it hurts)

Learn as much as you can about this - But You and I both have to remember that he has to be the one to get the help- you and I cannot create a relationship on our own. Hang in there ...My prayers are with you and everyone affected.

 

[Nicolette]

I to am having surgery this Monday- and he has since told me this past week that he is too busy to help me. I havent heard from him since.- Sometimes I feel like hes acting like a selfish child -

Sometimes they do act life selfish children. What you control is how you respond to it.....eg if he asks you for help with something the reply is the same "too busy to help". It's called tough love and it can't be all one way if it supposed to work.

PTSD is all illness - not an excuse to be a horrible human being to those who love and support you. If you are separated then he owes you nothing but if that is not the case then I'm sorry but it has to be a two way street.

I get uncontrolled/unmanaged PTSD and, if the case, they you should seek other support and suggest he get some - while you go on with life as it was just you and your children otherwise you set yourself up to be a set of pins in a game of bowling........ set up to be knocked down each time he makes contact.

Just MHO.

 

[Brontie]

harmony of love,

I'm no expert by any means but I have given this a lot of thought over the years. And I don't think we are so much a 'burden' as we are a reminder of what they once were. They know they've changed and somehow I feel they test us to see if we still love them. But I don't think they are fully conscious of doing this, or of how hurtful it can be. Something else worth thinking about. He might believe that you wouldn't understand. That, I think, explains his change in attitude when it come to his army buddies.

Who knows, maybe his trip will allow him to deal with stuff he struggles to deal with at home in front of you. I hope for a positive outcome to your situation.

 

[mysihba]

Hi, I haven't read your other posts, if there are some, so I might be behind he curve. As a sufferor, I am sure I was difficult to be around and have indeed run off some people, etc. Some of those, I "ran off" because they were negaitve and unhealthy for me to be around ; some because my cup was full I am sure. But I don't think I was ever abusive in any way to my mate, when I had one. I did have a wife for 20 years and still did during the time I imploded with the ptsd. When I crashed, I crashed hard. What I got in the way of support was...reamed out by her, because I apparently was crying during the night and keeping her awake...for 3 weeks. Quite a contrast to the support you have given and are trying to be.

I agree with Nicholette, don't set yourself up to become bowling pins. It sounds like?? he has not made much effort or gotten the needed help to not be, the way he is acting. PTSD is something that needs understood and dealt with, not an excuse for any kind of behavior. You can not place yourself last...all the time or you risk being the latest to deal with their own ptsd or other serious problems....maybe more the victim than he.

I couldn't help but draw the comparison between your "support" and the "support" shown to me, when just a little may have made all the difference. Be kind to yourself and set boundaries with out making demands. He can make the choice to get help, get better...or decide that he won't/ can't change?, but you need some decisions from him as well as positve action.
Hope I'm not butting in...

 

[Beezzer]

Of all of the help and support offered by loved ones (the few I have left), and professionals over the years none of them have opened my eyes like this thread has. I never would have thought strangers would provide me with the pull your head out of your backside wake up call. I fear I have been this way to my fiance the past few years. She has done so much to aid in my recovery only for me to be cold and short with and at times downright ignorant too. Up until tonight (when I discovered this forum) I seriously considered throwing in the towel and be done with it all. I went as far as to get my affairs in order.

Thank you forum strangers for saving my life. Thank you for preventing me from causing so much grief!

I am calling my therapist in the morning.
Gratefully, Beezzer

 

[amethist]

Hi Beezzer

Glad this forum has been a new starting point for you. Maybe you should direct your fiancée here too, we can support her as well.

Don't forget the call to your therapist. :tup:

Amethist