Sometimes, I Really Hate Myself

[Reclusive]

So, my dad emailed me to make a poster for his work (graphic design stuff). He only even emails me when he wants something. I WANT to say 'no', but of course I said 'yes'. Now I have to get this stupid-*ss poster done this morning and I don't want to and I feel ashamed and I hate myself and find myself so disgusting and pathetic. I'm nauseous because of it all and I just want to cry. I suffer compulsions and today's is scratching my face and I keep making myself bleed. I had nightmares last night where I was screaming for my mom to save me (she's dead) and have been awake since 1 am. My fiance's still asleep and I don't want to wake him because I woke him with my nightmare and he was really mad at me about that.

I wish I could stand up to him. My t and fiance say I need to confront him or cut him out of my life, but I feel unable to do either. Confronting him is pointless, as he'll just deny deny deny like always, but cutting him out of my life without confronting him is kind of unfair to him. And why do I care about being fair to him?

Okay... off to make a poster.....

 

[KP the nut]

(((HUGS)))

You care because you are a sweet person who doesn't want to let anyone down. Maybe deep down you want his approval and love - I don't know. There are obviously deep issues here.

Saying no, is IMHO an act which takes practice. I think for a lot of us here, myself included we want to do things. For me I think it because I want love and because I feel if I don't do things I won't be loved. I am unworthy of love unless I maintain, peace, don't create waves, it sounds stupid.

Perhaps when you've done the poster say something like, I've done it this time but in future I can't.

Sending strength
KP

 

[Abbi]

You care because you are decent person... people should have empathy for others. That extends even to people who have hurt you. It is no reason to hate yourself, it is a reason to admire yourself. My problem is not knowing where the boundaries are for people that I should "lovingly lock out of my life", its enforcing them. Discernment then action. Appears from what you said in regards to your therapist that may be the point that he/she wants you to see. Its not easy, when you have been traumatized you get used to boundaries being violated...not having a say. I would guess that you probably still have that part of you that does seek your father's love and approval. That does not change easily. You see the issue, that means you can deal with it. So ease up on yourself and continue to move forward. Perhaps think about an "action plan" and even rehearse saying NO, so when the phone rings or the next email pops in the in box you feel more prepared?

 

[Reclusive]

You're both right about the approval and love thing. Rationally, I know it's not possible, but the stupid little kid inside still thinks it is. I know I'll always be an embarrassment to my dad, except when he wants something. And of course the stupid poster is for his company he works for and they want to feature a dog that needs adopting in their store, so I'd doubly feel an *ss for not agreeing and I'm sure my dad knows that. I've done the poster and I already sent it. I should have checked back before I did because I'm pretty sure this is going to be an ongoing issue.

I'm also worried that if I cause any ripples with my dad, I'll lose my relationship with my brother, and I think my dad knows that.

 

[livergirl70]

I do exactly the same, I think it's a wish that I might get some praise from my parents for once. I never get it but keep trying. My therapist reckons that if I stopped looking for praise I might have a better relationship with my parents - can't see it myself.

 

[KP the nut]

You're both right about the approval and love thing.
I'm also worried that if I cause any ripples with my dad, I'll lose my relationship with my brother, and I think my dad knows that.

I'm 50 years old and I don't know when I'll stop looking for approval and love from my Dad who walked out on me/us when I was 5. He died in 1984.

Please take my advice and start doing what is best for you.

(((HUGS)))
KP

 

[Reclusive]

Out of no where, my little bro called me today and we had a good talk about dad. It really helped me see a lot of things differently. Like, even though my dad never says he's proud of me, he couldn't stop telling my bro when he visited how good my photography was. It's tough when you don't hear it for yourself. And we also talked about how dad is hiding a lot of his pain in his work and keeping himself over busy. AND he confirmed that no matter what happens with my dad and I, I'll always have him, which meant SO much to me!

Then my T wanted to discuss my self-esteem in therapy today. LOL figures.

 

[Ted Moen]

It's normal and healthy to want approval and recognition and all that stuff from a parent. Make a good poster for him and let yourself feel good about your part in the relationship. He is the one who is not participating appropriately in the relationship. Some parents are just not very good at parenting.

Ted

 

[Tessa]

(((Hugs)))

 

[Srain]

Awwwwwww it's not a 'stupid little kid' inside of you :( Shame on him for exploiting you and using you! Is he PAYING you? Is it what you are worth? (I didn't read that he was, if I over-looked that arrangement, forgive me.)

I don't see you that way at all. When my father was alive I was so very grateful when caller ID came along because even the sound of his voice left me unable to be my adult self. I was always the adult child with my mother so it's always been easy with her. Some relationships are what they are, that's their dynamics, beating yourf tender self up is not the answer sweet one.

Stepping back and perhaps communicating in another manner so that you feel in more control of how you handle to the situation and have time to think about your answers might be, such as email. I'm sure you know his phone number or have it show up on your phone. You could message him asking him what's up, that right now your only taking emails, you can explain or not why you are not answering the phone.

THIS IS NOT YOU DOING THIS. It's family tapes built right in like Manchurian Candidate, only I like the old version better because nothing cracks me up more than Sinatra call a woman 'Babe' ;)

Please take care,
Rain

 

[Reclusive]

He SAYS he'll pay me, but he never does. He does send money on my birthday, though? At this point I've done $4-5k work for him for not a dime. PLUS I'm supposed to get a percentage of the profits from his online store and haven't seen any of that, either.

It's really tough for me to interact with my dad. After my mom died, we couldn't be in the same room without there being a huge fighting screaming match. I moved less than a month after I turned 18. Ever since then we've had a 'civil' relationship, until I let him move in with me. We would discuss things, and then he would just do whatever he wanted anyways.

My family knows full well that I don't use the phone. I think the only call I've gotten from them was from my little bro the other day and I can forgive him that because he was drunker'n a skunk and really upset.

I just really hate waking up to an email from him. If he could just pepper in some emails that just said 'hey, how ya doin'?' and that it, it'd be way cool.

I think the biggest problem is that the little girl inside me wants love and approval but she ALREADY KNOWS she won't get it. Not from dad. I dunno, maybe he doted on me until my brother was born, but I always knew he didn't want a daughter.

 

[Tessa]

I understand the little girl longing for approval and just some love from a father. I have spent my life longing for this.
You are worthwhile and valuable and I hope the care of your PTSD friends may surround you with a fraction of the care you need from your father and give you hope.