Sometimes, I Really Hate Myself

[Reclusive]

Thank you so much. I wish I could just flip a switch and fix it all, but I guess this is my hand to play. I don't know what I'd do without this forum, that's for sure.

 

[Philippa]

Gosh, I know what that is like. It's really hard. I'm feeling pretty bad for having just ignored my dad and not actually told him that am cutting him off because I know he will just deny any wrong doing and tell me I'm being ridiculous. Maybe it's cowardly of me...I've been feeling like I am a bit cowardly for not talking to him about it...I just know he won't see it my way or even try to, he'll just get defensive and act like he's the victim.

He hasn't treated me the way yours has treated you though. My dad makes the effort to come and see me, and take me to lunch (though he usually talks about this guy he wishes I would be more like) and has paid for me to have my teeth fixed. But then he'll go and lie to me about sneaking through my diary and read my private journals and then accuse me of destroying the relationship for calling him on it...so it's like he will be nice one minute and then turn around and be a dick. Isn't that just people though?

I'm having doubts that I am not being fair or being a bitch. He has done a lot for me after all...but he also did a lot to hurt me and didn't apologize or even acknowledge my feelings when he went through my stuff.

Your story has helped put it in perspective a bit more for me.

I don't mean to hijack your thread with my own stuff, it's just making me think of my current situation and I've been battling with a lot of inner feelings of guilt and stuff. It's definitely not an easy thing to cut off from a family member.

Maybe if you can write in a letter what you really want to say to him...that might help you to discharge any feelings of frustration? It can really help, and it might help you with practising what you want to say to him in the way you want. Focusing on learning to love and approve of myself is helpful

 

[Srain]

Reclusive, I think that Tessa said it well. I, too have spent a life-time trying to get it family that their own reasons won't return it, I have no idea why.

It's what a good friend of mine calls feeding the "black hole". You can put your love and caring into it over and over and it just gets sucked up into nothingness. Nothing comes back and you wait and wait trying to fill it and still nothing comes back, meanwhile it hurts so terribly bad, devastatingly in fact and others around you are there care, understand, and will return those feelings if you let them.

hugs,
Rain

 

[Srain]

Reclusive, I think that Tessa said it well. I, too have spent a life-time trying to hope my family will "get it" but for their own reasons they won't return it, I have no idea why...........Rain

(I apologize for having not proof-read the above post and seen that I had left a word or two out making it a bit difficult to read. I tend to do that especially at that time of morning, that is how I think, blech, but I got distracted before I had a chance. The above is how I meant to write it or close to it.)

 

[Serene]

feeding the "black hole"

I love that analogy. Trying to earn my father's love is like feeding a black hole. I have spent so many years trying to figure out what exactly I could do or be to get him to treat me with love and respect.

That little child inside us needs love and respect. If your father isn't capable of giving it then it will have to be found elsewhere. Sometimes I sit and rock myself and even stroke my own hair and tell myself it's okay just like I did with my children when they were little. That "stupid little kid" inside you is a precious little girl who deserves every good thing. As I type this I am picturing her and holding her for you. She is beautiful.

 

[Reclusive]

Well, I think my brother might be working on my dad a bit. I know it tears him up that we don't get along. Our extended family doesn't have much to do with our family, so we were all we had, really, and it tears my brother up that Dad and I don't get along.

I did get a FB post on my wall from him today wishing me a happy Easter. I don't celebrate Easter and haven't in years, but I wished him one back and reminded him of the ham we destroyed when his wife took off for an emergency and left us with the dinner to cook. Turns out that was new years, but it's something. But it was nice getting something from him that didn't cause me to have to work.

My bro said when I'm ready he'll pay for me to rent a car and go visit dad. I can't in good conscience just cut him out of my life. I wish I didn't always have to do things RIGHT and could just do things HUMAN instead, but I feel it would be unjust of me not to give him a chance to change by telling him what hurts me. And I guess how he responds to that will determine whether or not we have a relationship after that. I'm scared though. Scared shitless.

I defriended my cousin on FB today because he blocked me and I blocked him and thought it was silly so just unfriended him. I felt SO bad, and I don't know why - we haven't spoken in 15 years or something, but it still makes me feel like a bad person. But I think that's my starting point for 'cutting the fat' so to speak. Or screwing up my life completely. One of those.

Oh, and Phillipa, go for it, get your thoughts and feelings out here too. It's not my house. And it's comforting to know someone else is struggling, too.