Totally Screwed Up

[Innordinate]

I was going to put this in my diary but maybe it belongs here instead.

This isn't new to anyone with PTSD - we suck at relationships.
Why?
I can't tell people I love them. Not anymore. I used to be able to easily. When I was drinking or high or hungover even I could just say it without having to think about it.
Love you, love you too.

Now it's a huge struggle for me. My therapist and I have been going over and over why, and defining love and redefining it. One thing I know for sure is that I'm still learning what it actually is, means, but also that thats a forever ongoing thing even for someone without PTSD.

Lastnight I got into a huge fight because she told me she needs/wants to hear how I feel about her and instead of just saying "I love you" I asked her how she thinks I feel. :unsure:
So then she tells me I can't even tell her because I don't know - which, I don't even know if that's right.

She always tells me good morning and today nothing. I've txted her because after talking to my therapist I know I shouldn't have gotten as mad as I did and told her to stop talking to me, but I didn't want her to take it literally. I apologized for it but now I'm going crazy waiting for her to talk to me and I'm desperate and trying really hard not to start trying to guilt her into talking to me.

Love continues to betray me.

I really destest, hate, despise and completely loathe the words I LOVE YOU
:mad:

 

[Mr. Smith]

I am too still trying to figure it all out, "Love". That's why I started the "What does love mean to you" in the chit chat part of the forum to see what other people's thoughts are about it and that have PTSD.

 

[jenkins123]

Interesting thread Innordinate. My ex sufferer always said he felt emotionally numb but also was able to say to me twice, and when totally unasked for, "I love you". He also said he was no good at relationships. In his case, I always assumed that issues connected to love, the meaning of etc, are probably related to the reasons behind his ptsd, beaten by father. I imagine when the person who you first learn love from does not show it correctly, it shapes your whole view of what love means, feels like and should be.Love should emote trust, freedom, happiness, all emotions that are not found in such cases.

 

[Heather]

completely loathe the words I LOVE YOU

Is it? Or is it more the feelings that come up when you want to utter those words?

Just a thought.

 

[Sethe]

I've been beating the crap out of myself (mentally) for this too. It is so hard to say 'I love you' to my bf. I used to say it more often in the past. Maybe I have a hard time now because of work with my current T?

Most of me trusts him, but there are parts that trust NOBODY. Loving someone implies being vulnerable and that is something that is very hard to do.

 

[The Albatross]

Rough waters for me here as well, I hear "I love you" and think "what the f' does that even mean?" Sometimes I can say it, some times I can't. It's got to be hard for my partner.

 

[Innordinate]

No, I think they're the dumbest words in the world because no matter how much I would say it anyways who would believe it because I can't show it right anyways.

They're trouble words. Like when you're wife says 'How do I look in this outfit'. Loaded.

 

[Mr. Smith]

Loving someone implies being vulnerable and that is something that is very hard to do.

I hate that feeling, and when they don't feel the same in the dating world it really sucks. You opened up just to get shot down.

 

[Innordinate]

I've been beating the crap out of myself (mentally) for this too. It is so hard to say 'I love you' to my bf. I used to say it more often in the past. Maybe I have a hard time now because of work with my current T?

Most of me trusts him, but there are parts that trust NOBODY. Loving someone implies being vulnerable and that is something that is very hard to do.

maybe it's because as we learn what it really means... its harder to commit to it? The trust thing is huge, so before when it didn't mean I had to trust anyone it was no big deal but now I'm afraid it's a lie because I don't trust people like they expect or think I do.

hmm

 

[Brontie]

I don’t know if this will help anyone but here goes. My stuff comes from childhood trauma by the way.

Never heard the words “I love you” as a child. As a young married adult, I was told “I love you”, I heard it but I didn’t believe it and I didn’t feel it. Trust issues I suspect.

I never felt love until I had my first son. I felt it and I was overwhelmed by it. Truth is, I didn’t know what it was that I was feeling.

Love gradually grew in my life and my heart from that day on. But I still couldn’t say it to him except in cards and letters (he was a soldier and away a lot). And I believed any method of communication was better than none.

Even now divorced after twenty years and still friends, I look back with guilt and some regret that I never told him how much I loved him. He said it all the time but I never felt it until many years later, after he had stood by me and helped me through so much pain.

It doesn’t matter how many times you say it if the other person doesn’t feel it. Small acts of kindness say it better than we can. Hugs and cuddles, smiles, small gifts and small card, and doing the washing up occasionally says it so much better than we can. Actions do speak louder than words.

 

[Abrasky]

Memories of love can be damaged in a trauma. Also If you learn from trauma that a comfort zone is violence, then love is outside that comfort zone, it can be very very hard to try and love. I had trouble with love for a very very long time and I couldn't feel it but I healed it to the point I could love my son and my husband and no one else. Now I am starting the heal being able to love other people too.
It is good when you get glimpses of it. When my son was born, I loved everyone for a short period of time because I felt like he was connected to everyone and that was wonderful.

 

[Deleted member 487]

Whenever I told the woman I was with "I love you" the relationship automatically was on a downgrade. I thought of the girlfriends I had, my ex-wife, the fiances I had, and everytime I cannot imagine myselg being the one to blame. So when I look at the relationships, many of them were before my PTSD became an issue. So is it the PTSD at fault? No. I don't think so. Is it me? I don't see it. Not in all of the remaining relationships to count. Some, yes. I think that ultimately it comes to around 1:3. For every one relationship that ended that was my fault, three were not. Is it all their faults? Actually, a fair number are. We're not talking about the same woman over and over.

My conclusion- I think that most of the woman wanted a fun ride. As soon as I said I love you, they became scared. When I proposed to several, they split. A few I proposed to accepted the proposals. Those fell through, and it was not always their fault either. One fiance I found was sleeping with other men behind my back. She tried to rebuild the relationship, but I said absolutely not. Another, I was too intolerant of her religious beliefs.

I think that ultimately it's something that can only be seen on an individual level. PTSD is not always to blame.