One Of My Abusers- In A Place I Go All The Time?

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have been thinking about how to say this for days. I need to say it, get it off my chest. But I had no idea how to say it...couldn't wrap my head around it. I haven't been on the forum much lately...but doing alright...but now...?

I first moved here a year ago, and I saw his name on a flyer at my local mosque ( like a church), I freaked out. He worked there. Out of all places. How crazy was that, that he would end up in the same state, same city as me? I don't know how to handle it, I didn't tell my husband. Just my T. Who thought I should get in touch with the religious leader there.

By the time I talked to the religious leader, the guy ( the pedophilia) was now working at a local school teaching 5th graders. The religious leader denied knowing the bad guy, denied every talking to him, even denying every going to the school he worked at ( despite the photos I found of the RL at the school). So outright lied to my face, and completely dismissing me.

I avoided the place, but yesterday there was a lecture there, my husband wanted to go to. I knew the bad guy would be there. I went anyway, I wanted to see him. I have never seen him. I spotted him right any. With his kids. I could hear his voice, I remember his voice so clearly.The RL called him by his first name, something I noticed he didn't do to anyone else, they must be close. During the whole lecture, my husband was in the back...someone wanted him to get involved and be there more. More involved when he is there?!

So now I feel...like between a rock and a hard place. On one hand I have hard time going there as I HATE the RL...but its my right I can go wherever I want. Free country and all that. But I think the RL will say something to the bad guy ( he already did and the bad guy emailed me out of the blue), and the bad guy will recognize me. My T thinks there a high chance the bad guy will try something...be it thinking maybe we could have an affair together or something. T thinks he emailed hoping I was available.

I realize there is not much the RL can do. But...the whole thing makes me so mad. I wish I could do something. Anything!! It should NOT be like this. I needed that religious support.

Okay...I am sure there is more to say. I am trying my best for this whole thread to make sense...I apologize in advance for it.

 

[Ted Moen]

Hey Ayesha, a trigger is a trigger, even if the trigger is a former abuser. One approach to significant triggers is avoidance. War movies are triggers for me, so I don't watch them. On the other hand, my father was (he passed some years ago) a trigger for me, but my relationship with my mom was important so avoidance wasn't an alternative. In fact, not only wasn't it an alternitive, but I had to behave in a way my mom considered appropriate.

So I think it helps to remind yourself the former abuser is a former abuser. Former, no longer your abuser. Even if he expresses interest, you can decline. You can define the relationship to the minimum necessary for you to continue to participate in your religious activities. You can anticipate the initial flow of intense feelings when you encounter him and plan how you will behave appropiately in the religious activities even though the intense feelings are passing. Once they have passed you can pat yourself on the back and take pride in your ability to manage your behavior in a demanding situation. Even more, as you get better at that and gain confidence, you will be able to look at him and know he no longer has any significant control over you. He will become an insignificant trigger.

Ted

 

[Kintsugi]

Ayesha,
I am really worried for you. If you don't feel comfortable telling your husband, I guess I can't push you to do that. But I'm not sure this is healthy for you? I am only getting a little bit of the situation from your post here, but he sounds like someone who... shouldn't be doing the things he's doing, having children, OR being near you???

Very concerned. (((Ayesha)))

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

You can anticipate the initial flow of intense feelings when you encounter him and plan how you will behave appropiately in the religious activities even though the intense feelings are passing.

Sounds like something my T and I should plan out. This was a major issue for me.I still want to go, still have the right, the need, or whatever I am trying to say here.

My husband does know, and understands how I feel. Its me who is telling him that I want to go, even if the bad guy will be there. I think one being able to look at him and feel nothing is a good step. Its also me who is telling my husband that he should be active if he wants to be.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Sorry to sound so...out of it. My ADHD as been kicking in really really bad last few weeks.

I apologize if I sound short. My attention span isn't very good.

 

[OKRADLAK]

That is certainly something your T should explore with you. You're right. You have a right to handle it any way you need to and want to.

If you need to feel the power of being there in secret and not having him see you or recognize you in order better to understand him and figure him out, well, that is totally understandable!

If you feel the need to tell your husband and to confront him, that is your right, too.

In a way, this is a huge opportunity to have your mind filled with new information on an abuser. So many times, what they did gets stuck in our head and crystalizes with no new info coming in. Every thought is around that image or that tone of voice, or that look. To be a position to have SAFE interaction and him not even knowing?

I know it must be stressful, but play around with your (safe) options and use this to make you stronger!

 

[Stir Ling]

Safety at all costs!!