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Should I forgive my abusers?

Thund

New Here
In my process of healing I found out some stories about POW people who were brutally abused by Japanese captors, and after the war they went to Japan and personally forgave them.

One was Eric Lomax, other was Louis Zamperini.

This helped them heal their wounds and heal their PTSD, flashbacks dissapeared and they got better.

I am ready to forgive my abusers and molesters if this can help me heal.

Actually after 20 years I found one of my abusers on fb, and just asked him was he John Doe. He recognized me, and immediately he started to apologise, telling how sorry is him to inflict me so much pain and how his consciousness burns him because of that. As anyone who went through abuse and knows how painful this is, first I felt fear and disgust. This apology was maybe sincere, but its like Ted Bundy said it. Nobody would believe him and he is way past his redemption.

After more than half a year I found strength and asked him again why did he do it. He just said he was young and stupid and didnt think right and that he realised it wasnt excuse.

So after listening story from pow who forgave their captors, I started to imagine that im forgiving him. It did felt a bit lighter and better.

So, should I write and forgive him? Will this help my healing path? Im afraid that this could backfire on me. Did anyone did this?
 
So, should I write and forgive him? Will this help my healing path? Im afraid that this could backfire on me. Did anyone did this?
Does your abuser need to be aware that, in your mind, you’ve forgiven them? In my mind, it can be forgiveness even if they’re not aware.

Communication with our abuser about their behaviour and its effect is a minefield. It definitely opens you up to the potential for further abuse, and having to take on board all your abuser’s baggage, on top of your own. It could massively backfire, but the degree varies with each situation.

I personally wouldn’t take any steps till I’ve established actual support that will be provided by my T to deal with the process and the fallout. In my case? Forgiveness would be moot - they don’t believe they’ve done anything that might call for forgiveness.
 
forgiveness is essential to my own healing, but i'll second @Sideways notion that the abuser/perp doesn't need to be included in the dialogue to achieve forgiveness. to me, forgiveness is letting go of the bitterness that is polluting my soul. bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

in my own healing, forgiveness can still point to an exit sign or keeping a "no trespassing" sign on my front door.
 
Thanks, both. I dont really want to forgive and forget, the only reason I want to forgive is to move on with my life. Hating the abusers dont do so much for them, it only hurts me.

If my healing needs to go through that, Im ready to deep dive into myself and sincerely forgive them.

I thought if I say that to them, it would maybe have bigger effect, but if its the same...

I will mention that to my T next time when I see her
 
Re your "There’s other alternatives, for example radical acceptance, that may be worth thinking about. Forgiveness isn’t essential to recovery", @Sideways, is there a list of what is "essential to recovery", please. And where can I find info on 'radical acceptance'?
 
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I think the reason for forgiveness is the biggest thing. For me? As of today forgiveness isn't even on the table. They don't deserve it and i'm not going to give it. But I also don't feel that its necessary for me to forgive for me to move on. I can continue to heal without going down that road.

I think forgiveness becomes an issue when there is anger about forgiveness, if that makes sense? If it is something necessary for your journey so you can let go of the anger then yes, it's something that you need to do. If it's just something others are telling you that you need to do, then maybe not.
 
Idk, I feel like it is - for me - more important to forgive myself for getting caught as the victim the way I did. Forgiveness is fine I suppose, for the offending party, but I am not so quick to jump on that. And no, forgetting is not a part of the forgiveness piece, if I ever decide I want to go that way.

I use Ho'oponopono a lot to see where I am with forgiveness.
I am sorry
I love you
Please forgive me
Thank you.

This can be directed many different ways. I need to be able to say it clearly and kindly towards myself first before I ever consider forgiving others. Best of luck in getting to peace.
 
In my process of healing I found out some stories about POW people who were brutally abused by Japanese captors, and after the war they went to Japan and personally forgave them.

One was Eric Lomax, other was Louis Zamperini.

This helped them heal their wounds and heal their PTSD, flashbacks dissapeared and they got better.

I am ready to forgive my abusers and molesters if this can help me heal.

Actually after 20 years I found one of my abusers on fb, and just asked him was he John Doe. He recognized me, and immediately he started to apologise, telling how sorry is him to inflict me so much pain and how his consciousness burns him because of that. As anyone who went through abuse and knows how painful this is, first I felt fear and disgust. This apology was maybe sincere, but its like Ted Bundy said it. Nobody would believe him and he is way past his redemption.

After more than half a year I found strength and asked him again why did he do it. He just said he was young and stupid and didnt think right and that he realised it wasnt excuse.

So after listening story from pow who forgave their captors, I started to imagine that im forgiving him. It did felt a bit lighter and better.

So, should I write and forgive him? Will this help my healing path? Im afraid that this could backfire on me. Did anyone did this?
I think you should. I think its like healing maybe???? But if you don't feel like you don't have to !
 
is there a list of what is "essential to recovery",
Nope. Which is what is so brilliant about it - there is no one thing that you must do to heal. What works for you may or may not help the next person. Which is why if forgiveness doesn’t fit for you? No problemo!
And where can I find info on 'radical acceptance'?
I developing my best understanding of Acceptance through ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy). Russ Harris’ book The Happiness Trap is a walkthrough of the principles of ACT, super easy to read, and definitely one of the most practically helpful books that I’ve read.
 
I think beyond forgiveness what is necessary for healing is agency. Are you forgiving these people because you've chosen to do so or because you think it's what you should do? As for myself, I don't have much else to add beyond what I've already written on the topic. And I'd say the same here - for me, forgiveness was necessary, but that's because I've spent the last 16 years working on regaining a sense of agency. And "letting go" of abuse - rather, choosing not to allow abuse to rule your life - just isn't as important as having free will. So if you're not making this choice with full cognizance, "forgiveness" simply isn't as necessary as that. Which is why forgiveness is a personal choice, and not simply something that we've agreed as a society is required for healing. Anger is a sign that injustice has happened, and for some people, focusing on injustice, on anger, is more healing.
 
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